Bud Light Lime

AFFORDABILITY: The Bud Light double deuces flavored with lime are quite affordable, as are all double deuce bottles of American alcohol. And they all fit perfectly between your legs on a ride home, plus stick up just enough for your hand to wrap around like you had a porn star penis, and you feel great about yourself as you enjoy a nice intoxicating beverage on your ride home from whatever it is you do with your days. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: I had bought two of these and left them in my truck for a while, but it got cold outside, which meant they stayed kosher in the truck. Me and my wife had tickets and backstage passes for Mattellica and our boys Lamb of God, and hung out and got tore down, and wandered our way back to our trunk in the grocery store parking lot nearby. (Two days later, we found out some blonde-haired chick got abducted right by where we were drunkenly wandering late at night, which is creepy as fuck.) On the way home, we contemplated roadside endeavors, so I took some back roads to do my little trick where I cut across a ford on a gravel road because that makes me feel like a complete man (a ford is a creek that cuts across a public road in case you be sheltered in the dull-de-sac too deeply). But while we road, I pulled out one of the double deuces and my wife twisted the top off and we shared it. It tasted like ass. It tasted like someone had sucked eight dicks, washed the taste out of their mouth with mouthwash, spit it into a bottle, capped it, and sold it to me at a store as an alcoholic beverage. Basically, it is dick mouthwash. -2 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Clear sticker label on a clear bottle is some tuned-up Honda bullshit, which is not to disparage that type of lifestyle, because there’s a house nearby where the dude of the family cuts the grass with no shirt on and has barbed wire chest tattoos and the ol’ lady of the family stands around in the front yard talking on the telephone while the kids ride around in toy Escalades, and for some reason that ol’ lady intrigues me, probably because she wears sweat pants all the time and looks like she’d have a hairy yoni, yet she’s not that attractive, at least not when flying by in a broken ass pick-up truck with two years of payments still left on it. Nonetheless, I have a strange habit of finding attraction in odd background type things that no one else would notice. The Bud Light Lime bottle does not kick that style, although I can say, with my personal war colors of lime green and black, the packaging of their Bud Light Lime 12-packs appeals to me, except it leans towards regular lime complemented by white instead of hard neon lime complemented by black like I would personally kick. That woman at that house in the sweatpants who I imagine does not shave her netherworld, she has nothing on my ol’ lady, who is buxom and beautiful and drives me mad just by sitting there staring sideways without noticing me watching. I have always wanted my ol’ lady to have some lime green lingerie, but it has never happened. I imagine if it did, I would explode, like for real, and she’d get to cash out our life insurance policy. I don’t know what it is about lime green, but that’s my shit. 2 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Dude, it’s owned by Budweiser. Bud doesn’t hire people, it buys them. Darfur refugees have their huts burned down by Budweiser, essentially, which is why the red t-shirt charity thing is so ironic, except most people don’t know that. Budweiser can afford Super Bowl commercials for the very fuck of it, even if the entire world is unemployed and not watching, and they run commercials just for the seven newspapers left to talk about it the next day. Budweiser is an industrial tycoon that runs over Chinese folk and doesn’t care. In America, it sponsors theme parks where roller coasters give our children A.D.H.D. without us knowing by rattling their little brains around in their skulls. Budweiser are Hitler, all day, every day. 0 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: I have absolutely nothing positive to say about this alcoholic beverage. I hope its gimmick dies quickly and goes away. Flavored beer? What the fuck is wrong with this crooked ass world? 0 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 0 & 4/5 STARS!