Heineken

AFFORDABILITY: Heineken is not the cheapest beer, but it is not the most expensive either. It seems to position itself as the ultimate beer for a new money type individual, or as a cheap beer for rich folks, a sort of Budweiser for the bourgeoisie. I bought a stub can of it, so I didn’t have to cash out an IRA or anything to get one (hahaha, like I even have shit like that), but I could’ve just as easily gotten a tallboy Modelo Especial instead. 2 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: The Heineken's destroyability has always been an issue with me. It has, as I said, always perpetrated it's fanciful nature, yet I've never really felt it. I know white people who only drink that shit, and honestly, when Jay-Z did the endorsement for Heineken, I was like, "Hahaha, Jigga so white." For a while in my life, I didn't even like beer in green bottles because of Heineken's white assness. (I should clarify, yes I am white, and proud of my melanin - an ethnicity of wage slave laborer who built skyscrapers and die for papers featuring pictures of bossmen that cost them the best years of their life. When I use white derogatorily, it is similar to a dark-skinned girl - better than light-skin, naturally - calling someone else with dark-skin an "Uncle Tom" type, like that dude on Geraldo that threw the chair at the singer from The Cro-Mags.) Yuengling got me back on that green bottle shit, and Beck's helped with the battle, so much so that their two-pronged drinking public relations with my personal habits and consumer tendencies opened up the possibility of me buying a Heineken. And again, it tasted skunky, which maybe is its deal since Germans love scat porn, and the big can did not give me a big can greasy throught stream. 1 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: There is not much there, simple green and white pomp and circumstance, and I am in a hater mood tonight. The only thing I could remotely think great about Heineken at this point is I guess some people shorten it to Heiney because they are retarded, and there's that "Ex Girl to the Next Girl" song by Gang Starr where Guru says, "even tempt me with the hiney", in reference to his old girl's big ass. But that doesn't relate to the Heineken label, which would make a great soccer jersey, and probably is somewhere, where people spend denominations of money that end in vowels, and women don't have to wear the top half of their bathing suits at public beaches, and you're not supposed to get a hard dick from it. 1 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Heineken’s corporate master is themselves, masters of the Mediterranean white slave trade, secretly funneled through the Middle East to make it seem like brown people are behind the dastardliness. Heineken is one of the most openly evil corporations in the world, supporting scat pornography, the systematis abuse of kidnapped Russian women, and forcing Jay-Z albums on us to this day, as well as Kanye West and now manipulating the media to convince people Drake is good, since they realized Charles Hamilton would probably Kobain himself before they could get a good recoup on the initial investment. 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Look, I will not lie. I think very little of Heineken or Heineken drinkers. As a youth, my folks’ friends who drank it were the most pretentious people they rolled with. And as my own adult, that experiential stereotype has been nothing but solidified. If you drink Heineken and think I’m an asshole, props to you, do what makes you feel good. But also I would expect nothing more than for you to judge me as a lesser human, being you drink Heineken. 1 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 1 & 2/5 STARS!