#1: NEW YORK GIANTS (4-0, 2nd overall) - The Giants are peaking early again, like last year, so maybe Eli having an ouchie on his heel isn't a bad thing, to slow them down for a few weeks, so they can get back to closer to full stride later in the year and not burn out quick at the end like they did last year. You know, I hate the fucking Manning brothers, and it pains me that Eli had to end up in the NFC East where I have to watch him all the time. Personally, I think the Giants blue uniforms are the most ugly ass uniforms in all of pro football, like every other jersey is made of shiny spandex material and their's are old sailcloths dyed blue. But they do well in restocking their team year after year, to where dudes are lined up to fill roles when other guys get hurt or move on in free agency. As a Redskins fan, it is painful for me to see, but I'm sure for Giants fans, it's pretty nice being in the same division as both the Redskins and Cowboys. You are automatically in a four-person race where two of the other people are retarded, and you're properly healthy and competent and fit and ready to roll. Goddamnit.
#2: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (3-1, 5th overall) - You know, early on I didn't mind Tom Brady, because it was exciting to see this kid come off the bench and take crippled old Drew Bledsoe's job and do right with it. And then his runs to the Super Bowl the first couple times didn't bother me at all, not that I rooted for the guy, but it was cool. Then I guess he got that one fancy bitch pregnant, but then bolted on her for the other fancy bitch he's with now that he also got pregnant and married, and I was like, "Hahaha, whiteboy ODB!" trying to hold onto some respect for the guy. But somewhere in the past year, all that time off healing I guess, and with the Brady protection rules in effect for quarterbacks now, I don't know, something shifted, and I want the guy to get brain damage. Actually no not really because all that brain study stuff is going on and if it happens to Brady, they'll start making the QBs wear red shirts and red flags and you have to rip off both flags to make them stop but you can't tackle them or it's an automatic field goal for the offense, and they get to keep the ball. So maybe I hope Brady gets in a car wreck and gets hurt brainwise instead, or his purty face gets all scuffed up and ugly, and he has to grow a beard like Hank Williams Jr. I know it seems petty to wish ill on someone I don't know, or really anybody, but this is mostly for entertainment purposes only, trying to entertain the more degenerate of the people who float by here from time to time. But suffice it to say I want Tom Brady to go away, in the same way I wanted Joe Montana to go away. Pure hatred, and you can call it playa haterism because of their good looks and wealth and successes in life and mock my own physical and financial shortcomings all you want. But whatever. As a poor man in America, if I can't hate the rich, what the fuck can I do? This country was built on hating rich fuckers, or at least that's what local rich people made the local broke ass populace believe was up to create a more perfect union.
#3: NEW YORK JETS (3-1, 8th overall) - The Jets got punked last week, and then go out and sign butterfingered Braylon Edwards. I don't know, I'm naturally inclined to not like the Jets, but Rex Ryan is a funny dude. And their defense already is playing with a swagger far more than you'd expect from their questionable pedigree. Once they mix in a few more defensive monsters in the coming years, they could be scary. And Mark Sanchez is hard not to like, although if he wasn't on my fantasty footballs team, I'd hate that pretty boy fucker. But he is, and my only other option is Kyle Orton, so I've gotta say Mark Sanchez is the greatest shit I've seen in years. (I'm in a 20-team league, so scrap heap QBs are impossible to find.)
#4: DALLAS COWBOYS (2-2, 11th overall) - An obvious flaw in my calculation system which will have to be tinkered with at the end of the year because the Cowboys should not be ahead of the Eagles at this point, by any means. Yet they are. Tony Romo sucks man. He's like Brett Favre without the possibility of actually coming through in the clutch. I watched a bit of the Broncs/Cowboys game, and the way he was floating passes to his receivers was fucking dangerous. Lucky for Jerry Jones Roy Williams was the only guy retarded enough to extend himself out and get blown the fuck up out of the game with a rib-cruncher. And what happened to the Cowboys defense? It was only like two years ago they were chock full of great players that made me fear for the future as a Redskins fan. It's all gone to hell though, with promising ballers looking like unmotivated jackasses nowadays. I thought that was all gonna go out the door with the other Roy Williams when they ran him off? Wade Phillips has to be the stupidest fucking head coach to still have a job ever, with his Ralph Wiggum all grown up looking ass.
#5: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (2-1, 12th overall) - There's an 12-year-old kid I know, he's like the boy I mentor on a chill level since I don't have sons of my own, and he's an Eagles fan. I bet him at the beginning of the year that every game the Eagles won more than the Redskins, I'd do an hour of his chores for him at his house. But for every game more the Redskins won, he'd have to do an hour of chores at my house, like cleaning up the chicken coop or cutting the grass or helping me sheet mulch some new garden beds for next year based on a book I read called Gaia's Garden. I'm all about permaculture bros; fuck your temporary culture. Anyways, I have already figured I'm doomed and am figuring in my head that maybe I can weasel out of doing his chores by taking him to an ACC college basketball game or two. He also loves Allen Iverson, and I wish I had thought about it because A.I. played the Wizards in a preseason game in Richmond this past week, and I could've just done that and got off easy. By the way, I hate the Eagles, except Mike Vick, who's my boy. When you protest Mike Vick in 2009, you're only protesting your only ignorance and intolerance of black culture, except it's not protest so much as a celebration, a celebration of your know-it-all whiteness that's so fucking smart and so fucking righteous and so fucking Whole Foodsy.
#6: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (2-2, 17th overall) - This is my favorite sporting team in the whole wide world, and it pains me to say this, but they fucking suck. They fucking suck far worse than anyone really wants to admit at this point. After the next two weeks, in all likelihood, they will be 3-3, and the total record of the teams they played to get there, coming into the games against the Redskins, will be 0-14. And yet the Skins will have lost three of those games (I'm figuring they lose to the Panthers this weekend, in case you were wondering). Fucking pitiful. Frustration level large.
#7: BUFFALO BILLS (1-3, 19th overall) - Oh man, T.O.'s dressing like an Australian gay dude in press conferences and repeating things so as to not say the things that bounce around in his wacky chemically imbalanced head. This is going to be awesome. I hope at some point, Marshawn Lynch's gangsta primadonna stylings start to cross confrontational paths with T.O.'s personality, because that will be funny to watch. It's like driving by a car wreck on the interstate - you really hope to see it all mangled and fucked up and you're glad it doesn't affect you directly.
#8: MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-3, 25th overall) - You know what's some stupid shit people say about sports all the time? "Get off the schnide." That's some stupid sounding bullshit. I would look up the etymology of it but I'm sure it's something that would bore me to death, and I love word origins or phrase histories. My five-year-old was all worried about being kidnapped the other day - what can I say, the kid is a paranoid little spazz at times - so I used that as a teachable moment, being she's learning her phonetics and starting to sound out sentences and all, and went through the whole orphan kids sleeping on the streets and how freight was shipped via boat so captain's would snatch orphan kids and take them back to the boat and by the time they woke up they were stuck on the boat and had to work against their will, so she didn't have to worry about being kidnapped because the world wasn't like that anymore. She was wearing a pink t-shirt from the beach with dolphins on it that glows in the dark when I explained this to her, climbing on the old ass metal monkey bars I got at a yard sale for five dollars and brought home strapped precariously to the top of a Subaru stationwagon. We went to the beach that time she got the shirt beginning half of September, when rates were down but the water was still warm, and the beach junk stores were all kicking it like "50% off anything!" which meant the kids could afford to get glow-in-the-dark dolphin t-shirts. Life is good, bro. Life is good. We certainly string it together, like old popcorn on a Christmas tree.
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