#1: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (4-0, 1st overall) - Yes, according to my ultra-scientific, semi-half assed methods, the New Orleans Saints, at least at this point, are the best team in the NFL. Interestingly enough, according to this half-assed personalized punter formula-esque method, the Giants are #2 in the league, making this weekend's showdown between the two in The Big Easy the first time I recollect my dork formula's #1 and #2 playing each other, even in the playoffs. Of course, I have drunk and ingested a lot of things in my lifetime that kill of brain cells like a Brazilian kid who wishes he had a Ramones t-shirt but can't afford things like actual things, so you can't truss it. Nonetheless, the Saints look tough this year, because Gregg Williams (the extra G stands for Guerrilla-blitzes) has their defense believing they are the shit. And there’s no doubting the offense, with Drew Brees acting like a Madden game set on rookie mode, picking betwixt the nine different offensive threats they’ve somehow created. Seriously, they have a star WR named Marques and a star RB named Pierre. Reggie Bush not being the second coming of Barry Sanders has easily been overlooked with such spread-out success, and even Jeremy Shockey’s miserable ass seems happy, which probably alone should make Sean Payton a coach of the year candidate. The Saints are one of the most fun teams to watch as well, and with a remaining road schedule that includes three of their last six travel games at Tampa Bay, St. Louis, and Washington, if the Saints can hold down their home fort (in memory of the fallen underclass of Hurricane Katrina who died in the Superdome bathrooms and haunt the opposing team’s locker room), they could make a pretty serious run at a solid 14-2 season or so and get home field advantage for the NFC playoffs which, unfortunately, would probably mean an abundance of shitty football-related Lil Wayne songs inside of the internet all of a sudden.
#2: ATLANTA FALCONS (3-1, 9th overall) - The Falcons seem like, if they are tuned up properly, they could be an elite team. The way they fucking punked a Mike Singletary 49ers team in San Francisco was impressive. But they are a young team, and will be apt to have misfires along the way. Still, not to sound like an internet tool or anything, if I had the money to blow on an NFL authentic jersey of the stitched numbers variety, as I am ashamed of my Redskins right now, I’d probably want a Falcons alternate red Matt Ryan jersey. Who am I kidding? I’d get a custom one that said WHITE SHOES for Billy “White Shoes” Johnson. That dude’s wobbly-leg TD celebration bouncing side to side is still the greatest end zone shit ever. Back in his day, he didn’t need props or skits like these young bucks today.
#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (3-2, 15th overall) - Oh man, a bye week after a fucking beatdown at home, with Type-A-squared personality Mike Singletary as your head coach. I’d hate to be a San Francisco 49er right now. I bet he’s making his players bring in their kids to run wind sprints up the concrete stairs at the practice field and got Charles Haley coming in to sexually assault their wives right now, to motivate them.
#4: CAROLINA PANTHERS (1-3, 18th overall) - I don’t think the Panthers are as shitty as their record suggests, as they’ve lost to the Falcons, Eagles, and questionable Cowboys, but just barely, thus far. And with Tampa Bay and Buffalo on the agenda the next two weeks, so long as Jake Delhomme doesn’t get another severe case of the turnovers, they could easily be sitting at .500 come November.
#5: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-3, 19th overall) - It’s amazing what a sucker I am, because the Seahawks have always been one of my least favorite teams for no other reason than their ugly ass uniforms. But then they spring those lime green numbers out a couple of weeks ago, which were universally panned as ugly, even though, in my eyes, that was the pimpest shit the NFL had sported in a long ass minute, until this past weekend when the Broncos sported those throwbacks with the vertically striped socks. Of course, everybody’s like, “Eww” again, because people who like to talk about uniforms are jackasses and only like what everybody else acts like they should like. It’s like the emperor’s new clothes. Those Broncos unis were tight as fuck, and as someone who’s been watching a lot more Australian Rules Football on the digital PBS bonus channels this year, I can only hope more NFL teams move to the overload of stripes instead of this new school Eurotrash Pride swishy contour style they’ve been doing. So if I had money to waste, instead of the White Shoes jersey, I’d get a lime green Houshmanzadeh joint.
#6: ARIZONA CARDINALS (2-2, 20th overall) - As respectable and loveable as Larry Fitzgerald is, his goodness is overruled a thousand times over by Kurt Warner’s inherent jackassery, so the Cardinals cannot be mediocre enough for my tastes. Were he to get injured and Matt Leinart took over, I’d go back to basically rooting for the Cardinals, in as much as looking at the scores online on a Sunday night and thinking, “Oh man, too bad the Cardinals didn’t win,” could be considered rooting for someone.
#7: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (0-5, 28th overall) - Man, Jon Gruden trashed the ship on his way out, didn’t he? He has shown he is adept at taking a team quickly to good heights, having his schtick run it’s course, and bailing out a year or two (in the case of the Raiders) before everything comes apart at the seams. The Buccaneers are not a very good team, at all, anywhere. And you have to feel for Josh Johnson (he’s their starting quarterback, in case you, like most people, have no idea who that is), because basically the head coach, who is 22-years-old, said, “Well, Byron Leftwich isn’t really that good, so he’s our last QB now. And this team sucks, so I’m not gonna ruin our rookie wonderboy Josh Freeman by having him be sacked 83 times before next summer’s training camp. So Josh Johnson is our man, by default. Good luck kid.”
#8: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-5, 32nd overall) - I can’t believe people actually believe this Rush Limbaugh buying the Rams bullshit. What a cheap way to garner mainstream attention, in avenues he doesn’t normally get play. Hey, guess what? I’m part of an ownership team trying to buy the Redskins, so tell everybody you know about Rojonekku. Our website is www.buyoutsnyder.com and I have as much a chance as Limbaugh does. How could a man who has written the cruel and uncaring things like I have ever be allowed to own a professional football team where dudes concuss themselves to early Alzheimers? What has this world come to?
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