#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (5-0, 5th overall) - Man, as much as I hate the guy, Peyton Manning is probably like the best QB of my adult life, which sucks to say because he's annoying as fuck. The thing is, it's not even like he's a disingenuous guy or straight up asshole or anything, but it's 2009 and hip hop has tinged the world to where even a Scandinavian kid in the far remote corners of nowhere inside a yurt made of reindeer pelts and woolly mammoth bones flashes a WestSide hand gang sign at you. But not Peyton. That dude is whiter than the whitest white that was ever whited, and then wiped with a bleach water rag. If this was still the '70s, and Peyton rocked a fu manchu with some shaggy feathered hair, and did everything else exactly the same as he does now, he'd be one of those all-time gamers, a guy obscure indy rappers would use as their stage name, "Peyton Manning expanding your horizons with lyricism invisioned, bending metaphors and similes through a prism with precision...” and so on, eventually paying Buckshot to be a featured artist on a song.
#2: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (4-2, 7th overall) - Tom Brady is back because he went wild in the snowdrifts of Foxboro last weekend. Whatever man. With that veteran team, they’re bound to put it together and bust up some hapless opponent with high school recklessness at some point or another. But also, with that old team, half the defense shuffled around, they’re not gonna put it together long enough to make a run in the playoffs. The window may not be closing on Tom Brady, per se, but it could be about time to shift into his Joe Montana in Kansas City phase, except he’ll have his swan song in New England still because those fucks would never let Tom Brady go. Those guys are gonna look back fondly on three Super Bowl runs, and curse that damn David Tyree ruining their best run for that ultimate dynasty marker of a fourth ring in a time cluster along the NFL history chart.
#3: MIAMI DOLPHINS (2-3, 17th overall) - You know, it seems with the OMG! WILDCAT OFFENSE!-a-mania running wild in the NFL coaching ranks, that somebody might try to do something a little more than just having a RB catch the snap and take off while the QB lines up in the slot and throws a weak ass block. Miami does though, and it’s funny how sometimes, like last week against the Jets, you can see how confusing some simple shit like the Wildcat can be for overloaded modern defenses that know 7000 things about every play, but it’s still all limited by a narrow scope. “Pro style” offense is often used, to disparage guys who aren’t next level enough. But man, I went to a high school game last weekend with my boy Mike Gee, and he was telling me about some off-the-wall shit some small ass high schools do, like old school Four Horsemen shit but on crack. I say the NFL needs more gimmick offenses, not less. And if your gimmick runs cold, switch the gimmick. Also, Ronnie Brown, for a half-crippled motherfucker who struggles to get five yards on a breakaway run sometimes, is a fantasy football all-star, due to the aforementioned Wildcatting he ringleads, for a couple years now.
#4: HOUSTON TEXANS (3-3, 19th overall) - What a confusing team. They might score 42 points this week, then give up 250 yards rushing next week. Or they might even do both. What they need to do is change their team colors though. Nothing successful will come from that, ever. It’s a shame they had to clothe their team during post-9/11 American fervor.
#5: NEW YORK JETS (3-3, 20th overall) - Rex Ryan’s swagger has lost some pop, no? And Mark Sanchez suddenly seems a fraud after he was tossing picks to the Bills last week like he was Neil O’Donnell in the Super Bowl and the Mafia had paid him to make sure the Cowboys would win.
#6: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (3-3, 22nd overall) - Jack Del Rio is a cockroach of a coach, holding strong. Half the team arrested in the past two years, in a small-sized city with a closeted underlying racist tendency? No problem. Mediocrity personified on the football field? No problem. Jack Del Rio survives. Shit, if he throws in an upset of the Colts and the Jags still have a shot at a wild card berth in the playoffs the last week of the season, he might even get an extension. Side note: how the fuck have the Jaguars been so adept at finding black dudes with really generic names in their short franchise history? Fred Taylor, Jimmy Smith, Matt Jones (he might be white, or at least yellowboned), Mike Sims-Walker... it’s their drafting using a craigslist response spambot name generator.
#7: BUFFALO BILLS (2-4, 24th overall) - The Bills pull off the upset in the Meadowlands in the longest, most uninteresting to me game ever played as far back as my brain can remember (which isn’t far, to be honest), and substitute QB plays better than starting QB, and T.O. now doesn’t get traded before NFL trade deadline, and we can watch the wheels come off this thing like we were expecting. Snow don’t kill cancer.
#8: TENNESSEE TITANS (0-6, 30th overall) - Oh man, poor Jeff Fisher. He’s lucky Lane Kiffin is coach of the Volunteers to keep most hardcore Tennessee football fans properly distracted at least until mid-December, when they all turn their heads and go, “Wait... what?” LenDale White should start drinking tequila again, and the Redskins should just give them Albert Haynesworth back for a few weeks, and let’s see if that makes a difference. Also, if you run a small yet steady roofing company, and you are letting the work crew be run by a guy who looks like an allegedly recovered crackhead, bound for relapse at any point, like Kerry Collins, and your man-in-line to replace him is a pudgy-headed serial raping looking dude like Vince Young, well, you’ve already lost control of this thing. You might as well start over.
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