Man, where to even start with these Redskins? It is an embarrassment to be a Redskins fan right now, not just because of the loss to the Lions, but for the overall deep-sinking shittiness of this franchise that it exposed. I almost put Redskins Fans on this list, because for me personally, honestly, I kinda hope they implode ridiculously bad, causing terrible turmoil for the players, coach, and most importantly the owner. When a team gets to the point its lifelong fans root for it to suffer, to teach itself a lesson, that's some bad bad shit.
Anyways, here's my semi-fake self-prophesied metaphysical analysis of my favorite sporting team in the whole wide stupid fucking world. Last week, for those keeping score at home, we were sitting with 3 positive/5 negative and one even, and obviously after that sports page lollercoasting, I've got to drop it negative one notch (one is my self-prescribed limit per week, because if I allowed emotion to dictate that, I'd blow up the whole team after that Lions game... it forces me to find positives in a pile of shit, which, in real life, a pile of shit can nourish deficient soil and allow you to grow life-affirming food stuffs). And here we go...
2ND DEGREE POSITIVE - LONDON FLETCHER. No doubt about it, on a team full of undermotivated shitheads, one cannot cast doubt on London Fletcher. While other high-priced defensive stars were injured, like Fletcher, and made meandering returns or none at all, London Fletcher quietly got hisself together and came back out and did his job. He has the fourth longest active starting streak in the NFL. He's a coach on the field. And honestly, immediately after the game, he wasn't on my list here yet. But the next day, in regards to the game, he said something along the lines of how this isn't a good team, and hasn't been a good team since he's been in Washington. Fletch was brought in by Greggg Williams as an on-field coach, and when Dan Snyder dicked Williams of his obvious head coaching gig because Vinny Cerrato didn't get down with Williams too well, Fletch could've been a dick too, bitched and moaned, and made trouble. But he never did. This year, he wanted a new deal, and didn't get one. But he didn't make a scene. He'll run his contract out and move on, I'm sure. The thing is, Fletch is such a well-spoken dude from a Division III college named after a white guy, you'd think his life was lacrosse games and soul food restaurants that serve tofu and organic spinach salads. But it's not. They had a story in the Wash. Post today about Fletch, with a drug addicted mother in a shitty Cleveland neighborhood, a younger sister shot dead at 13, older brother who's spent most of his adult life in prison. And Fletcher's got a pack of shitty neighborhood public school kids he mentors, that he took to the U.S. Capitol building this week, on his day off after the loss to the Lions, on his dime. London Fletcher is the fucking man, and a beast on the field, but a respectable man in real life. I know he's gonna leave once his contract runs out, because why stay? He's seen the reality of the situation, and although many opportunities to help out others have came from coming to D.C., he's sat down with the devil and knows this is an evil team. But ideally, he should be a coach upon retirement, and be motivating, teaching, and influencing this team for the next decade.
1ST DEGREE POSITIVE - SANTANA MOSS. Moss had the biggest game of his NFL career, by yardage, and yet I still can't fully get behind him. He's too quick to complain about uncalled penalties, and too quick to celebrate simple first downs. If you've ever played a lot of pick-up basketball, there's always a dude who thinks he's way better than he really is, who thinks the shitty community college gym is the NBA finals, and he calls foul on every shot he feels come off his fingers funny, whether someone else's hand was on his body or not. Those types of dudes, even if they help you win a game from time to time, are real life shitheads not worth the trouble of interacting with. On top of this personal life experience-based belief of mine, no one in the Redskins locker room has been more apt, even after losing to Detroit, to hype up how this team has too much talent than Santana Moss. Anyone still talking that bullshit, doesn't deserve that much credit, regardless of an 175 yard game receiving, especially considering the previous two weeks he hadn't done shit. Not done shit. Haha, and this is one of the positive spots.
EVEN - JASON CAMBPELL. A lot of people have already thrown Campbell under the bus, but honestly, you watch the games, and he's not being allowed to make decisions. If he fucks up, fine, let him fuck up. Take the chain off and let him bite the neighbor's kid and get euthanized. But keeping him around, on a short chain hooked to an old car axle sledgehammered into the ground, it just makes everybody uncomfortable because we're avoiding deciding a final truth. And Campbell has never been that bad. He's not been that good either, but he's not been Joey Harrington, or Heath Shuler, or even Patrick Ramsey. He's okay, and ultimately, that's all this franchise is at this point. Really, he's the perfect QB for us at this state, and they should just give him a 5-year contract extension and accept the mediocrity.
1ST DEGREE NEGATIVE - CLINTON PORTIS. First off, let me just say I love Clinton Portis. He is a warrior, and he is funny as fuck. I wrote a letter on my homeschooled daughter's behalf when the NFL did that take a player to school for a day thing to try and get Clinton Portis to come down to Va. to hang with a bunch of homeschoolers for a day. It obviously didn't pan out, but I imagine it would've went stupendously had it gone down. The thing is, Clinton Portis does not get big gains anymore. As my fellow NFL sufferer/Armchair Linebacker contributor Neil said last week, he sees the glue factory in his future. And it's true. If Portis breaks through the line, he's only gonna get 35 yards at the most before someone catches him. But at the same time, two conditional things come to mind. First off, what the fuck is up with Chris Samuels? If he's one of the league's best, how come when they run left, like nine dudes on defense clog up the line and Portis runs sideways until he's pushed out of bounds for a one yard loss or gain? Shouldn't there be some sort of forward push? And secondly, most every NFL team knows about the whole multi-running back notion for your team, where you mix it up. Shit, the most successful teams have gone to three backs. Yet the Redskins have just Portis and stupid Ladell Betts who is like a lesser version of Portis, same model year. Most NFL teams would've had the sense to have a young RB on their roster as the 2nd guy, to spell Portis with ridiculous speed and naive tendencies. And Portis could instill the hard-earned wisdom of pounding yards in the NFL into the kid. I mean, if you give a dude a ridiculous, long-term contract, wouldn't you want his tenacity and attitude to be passed onto the next guy, to maximize the value? Not the Skins. They just want to pretend this is the same Clinton Portis that got off the plane from Denver, and when he's not, they look around like, "What the fuck happened?" as if NFL RBs never get older and feel the concussion-level impact of a few thousand crashes in their every muscle and sinew.
2ND DEGREE NEGATIVE - DEANGELO HALL. Last season's second half, DeAngelo did pretty well, causing me to give him credit. But when the Redskins let loose Shawn Springs to get the money to sign Hall, they fucked up. Hall did well when coached into playing a team game, but without Springs' influence, it's Hall's secondary. And after the Lions loss, where DeAngelo Hall again didn't really do shit of creditable notice, he was talking shit about how there were people thinking they've arrived in the NFL and hadn't made a play yet, and how he tried hard but he couldn't speak for everybody else in the locker room. Straight up cancerisms. Lead by example, not by Monday morning quotable. My whole trust in Hall was his ballhawking ability to score TDs to help an impotent offense, but instead he's just played soft cover defense that gives up TDs.
3RD DEGREE NEGATIVE - DEVIN THOMAS. Really, this speaks badly for him, Malcolm Kelly, and Fred Davis, the three amigos of suck shit that were drafted in the 2nd round by retarded Vinny Cerrato last year, all of whom have underachieved or were overhyped or overvalued in he draft. And all three had one token reception each in Detroit last weekend. But what bothers me about Devin Thomas is, he has been the healthy one who can wake up on time for practice, and he was back home in Michigan, where he played college ball for Michigan State. If there was ever a game for him to light it up and show and prove, this was it. And yet again, he was all promise with minimal delivery. But that's what the fuck this team is nowadays, for a decade now.
4TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - ALBERT HAYNESWORTH. He's supposed to clog up the middle and make sacks for the guys around him... I can buy that. I'm in on that. But him finally getting a sack and laying there lifeless because his hip hurt? And laying there until a cart came to take his big ass off, with a towel over his head like it was a career-ending injury? And then to come back out after halftime, but not with the rest of the team, but dramatically after the half had started, walking slower than fuck, like old people tied together, to come out and half ass some plays? Look, I don't pretend to know his body or how much a hip flexor hurts. But I know if you're supposed to be the toughest man around and lead this defense, you don't meander like he did coming back out to return to the game. You either call it a day, or you jog your big overpaid ass out and fire bitches up. Who gets fired up for a guy taking leisurely stroll back to the sidelines to play every fourth play? Albert Haynesworth proved to me in that Detroit Lions game not so much that he's injury-prone as much as he showed he's a dramatic bitch. But he's got a back door to Mr. Snyder much like Clinton Portis, which means defensive coordinator Greg Blache probably couldn't tell him shit, even if he wanted to, which I would imagine he does, as Blache is basically like a 65-year-old Mike Singletary. And we're stuck with Haynesworth as well. He could turn it around of course, but that walking slowly onto the field was reminiscent in my mind of when Randy Moss walked off the field while he was with the Vikings against the Redskins, with time left on the clock. Haynesworth quit, cashed his check, and slept easy. Fucked up thing was the first practice of the week after this game, he missed practice to fly back to Nashville to handle some personal business. If his mama didn't die or his daughter didn't get leukemia, then fuck him.
5TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - JIM ZORN. I feel bad for Zorny, being thrown in the deep water before he could even swim. But the simple fact of the matter is Zorny can't swim. He makes bad decisions, doesn't motivate his team, and is in over his head. But I'm pretty sure his time is short.
6TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - DAN SNYDER. His time is not short. He has destroyed this team so badly, I might send letters to the rest of the league and go free agent as a fan, as much as I'd hate that. He has little patience with coaches and players for not delivering on the promises he puts out, yet I'm, as a fan, supposed to accept Dan's decade of decline and not be frustrated, because he likes to spend money, and that's all you can ask from an owner. No, fuck that bullshit sports meme. I can also ask an owner to step the fuck out the way. I can also ask an owner to hire people who actually know what they're doing (meaning deciding players) and let them do it. I can also ask an owner to not be a money-maximizing piece of shit. But being all that won't come to pass, I might as well throw out some more imaginary askings, and ask an owner to get the AIDS and die, or wreck his helicopter, or be electrocuted. Or best yet, get literally scalped by renegade militant Indians, with a video of the violent act inside the internets. Something's got to give.
ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2009, BEST TO WORST (ties broken by my personal opinion): TE Chris Cooley (+5), MLB London Fletcher (+5), SS Chris Horton (+2), P Hunter Smith (+1), WR/PR Antwan Randle El (even), HB Clinton Portis (-1), FS Laron Landry (-2), DT Albert Haynesworth (-3), WR Devin Thomas (-3), CB DeAngelo Hall (-3), LB Robert Henson (-3), WR/PR Santana Moss (-4), QB Jason Campbell (-5), Coach Jim Zorn (-10), Owner Dan Snyder (-15).
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