It doesn’t get any worse this, literally, because when I set up this metascientifical analysis gimmick the beginning of the year, I told myself, “Hey dude,” because that’s how I talk to myself in the mirror, “hey dude, if the Redskins rip and run off a crazy start to the year like you know they just might, don’t ever let yourself not have at least one negative player in your write-up, because balance is always there, even if it doesn’t seem so. And if things go bad like you know they probably will, don’t ever let it not have one positive point in your write-up, because even in the middle of a pile of shit will sometimes be a psychedelic mushroom, bro.” So after that game last weekend, the mockery of the nation, where even The Onion is piling on the Redskins, I slid it one degree south, for 1 positive/1 even/7 negative, and it won’t go lower, no matter how low it gets. In fact, to be honest, at this point I think I am going to hold onto my current serious analysis through next week’s game (hopefully including a game diary of the Monday night one against the Eagles, which might be shaping up to be the ugliest thing in years for Skins fans, like Eagles fans might rape our women and we’ll be stunned into staying medium while they leave with our kids in alternate black Bryon Westbrook jerseys), but after the bye, as we have the perfect storm for the most dysfunctional football season of NFL football in my adult life, I might spin the positive and negative slants to cover who is helping this train wreck wreck more hilariously. I mean, what else can I look forward to as a Redskins fan? Dan Snyder’s young and healthy and rich and unflinching. I might as well get some black comedy out of it.
Anyways, on to last week’s game talkage...
1ST DEGREE POSITIVE: ANDRE CARTER - It is often hyped by the NFL Hype Machine how Albert Haynesworth might not have 39 sacks and 215 tackles at the end of the year, but he makes everybody else around him better. I have noticed Andre Carter putting QBs into the turf with more regularity this year, that’s for sure, and he’s become the imposing presence he was supposed to be whenever he was getting overnights at Dan Snyder’s mansion and rides in the Redskins One helicopter (they actually call it that... even as a lifelong Redskins fan, I’ve got to say that’s stupid as fuck). But what I’ve also noticed is just as often as not, these dominating plays are made while Haynesworth is on one knee on the sideline gasping for breath as he leans on his helmet.
EVEN: CHRIS COOLEY - Cooley got his last weekend, and I feel for dude for having to be loyal to such a retarded franchise. He’d be positive, but obviously when you are the laughingstock of professional football as a collective team, things skew negative.
1ST DEGREE NEGATIVE: JACK KENT COOKE’S CHILDREN - You know the fucked up thing, I started outlining this Sunday night while trying to detoxify myself of the traces of pneumonia trying to sneak into my lungs after fighting off the swine flu, and I was like, “Fuck it man, I’m gonna blame the kids of Jack Kent Cooke for not keeping this team in their control, stupid greedy fuckers.” Then, on Wednesday, there’s a story in the Washington Post about how John Kent Cooke was so bummed he didn’t get the team, how he hates Dan Snyder, and the horrors his father would have felt were he to see all this. It’s a long ass article and I would link it, but fuck it man, the Washington Post has gone to shit and I still shell out a buck a day for their print version and they fill it with crap like twitter comments along the top of the page or dumb shit like that. If you are competing with the internet, probably the best way to fight that is not to mimic the internet but in a really tiny tiny dose. Stupid fuckers. But the gyst of the article is that Jack Kent Cooke wanted to fund a charitable trust and felt he couldn’t afford to do that without selling the team to avoid inheritance taxes and shit, and he was banking on his son getting an investment group to buy it, and they were close, but Dan Snyder did some shady bitch shit and snagged the team. Of course, this was all from John Kent Cooke’s perspective, so it’s probably as skewed as my analysis, but I’m down for believing it. I read it in a newspaper so it has to be true. But Sonny Jurgensen also said that he thought if Jack Kent Cooke thought his son could run the team, he would’ve gave him the team.
2ND DEGREE NEGATIVE: ALBERT HAYNESWORTH - Haynesworth had a monster game against the Chiefs, and had me contemplating giving him some daps. But then there he was pulling a Randy Moss bitch nigga move and jogging off the field to the locker room before the game was even over, in a huff because the rest of the team didn’t play as good as he did. I might buy that if this wasn’t the first game with the Redskins he’s actually played that hard in. You can’t show up for the first time fully committed in week six and expect to get credit for being some sort of team leader in motivational ethics. Supposedly, he was even speechifying his teammates in the locker room after the game. Fucking dumb ass.
3RD DEGREE NEGATIVE: TODD COLLINS - Might as well go ahead and throw the career back-up under the bus now since he played just as pathetically as Jason Campbell for half the game (albeit at a much better price). And to be down at the end of the game, needing a touchdown, and get sacked in your own end zone... not even Jason Campbell is that bad.
4TH DEGREE NEGATIVE: MALCOLM KELLY - This is one of those things that is also skewed by events. I mean, just because most other teams considered this guy a medical red flag and wouldn’t have drafted him at all, much less in the 2nd round, why should I expect Malcolm Kelly to perform like a high 2nd round draft pick at WR? I am almost giving Snyder/Cerrato credit and validation by assuming Kelly should actually be doing what they told me he’d do. But at the same time, whether a 2nd round pick or 6th round pick, you have to have some fire, and Malcolm Kelly has not shown fire at all in his two years here. But I can’t fault the guy for coming. If someone told me they’d pay me $50 an hour to do something I’m probably not qualified to do and wouldn’t have felt I deserved but $25 an hour to do anyways, I wouldn’t say no either.
5TH DEGREE NEGATIVE: JIM ZORN - This will be the last time I speak badly of Jim Zorn. He was brought in to do a job he couldn’t properly do, a stopgap in time until Snyder felt he could convince a Head Coaching heavyweight to come to D.C. and save the team. After the game, he gets his play-calling duties snagged, immediately, and probably should’ve stabbed Vinny Cerrato with his own nose bone at that point, used the blood to smear war paint on his face, and gone into rabid pit bull mode on Dan Snyder himself. But he didn’t, knowing if he quit, his last paycheck was his last paycheck. He came back Monday morning, answered the media questions that someone else probably should’ve had to answer, totally emasculated, knowing that Dan Snyder doesn’t have much, but he does have money, and Zorny might as well get as much of that out of this shitty situation as he can before he’s told to pack his bags. Plus, if he’s fired, he gets even more of it. You are a funny dude, Jim Zorn, and just like last week I said I would talk shit on Jason Campbell anymore, this is my last time speaking negatively of you. Good luck in your future endeavors, especially the ones in the coming weeks while still in D.C.
6TH DEGREE NEGATIVE: VINNY CERRATO - Fuck you, you piece of shit. I wish you had tried to take my play-calling duties after a game. I would’ve made you know what it feels like to be a woman. You stupid bitch. (Note to all women: I don’t hate women, or use sex in place of maintaining power over someone. I am basically referring to a jail mentality where weaker men with less heart and fight are dominated by stronger, more passionate men, and then sex is used as a psychologically crushing final blow to the weaker part of the interaction. In fact, usually I only use the word “bitch” in regards to men I’d have animosity-laced sex with, to teach them a listen, and never in regards to an actual woman. You are noble and beautiful creatures, surely created by the Goddess herself, and I would never disparage you as I would this Vinny Cerrato guy. Come by the house and watch a football game with us; I’ll explain some of the nuisances to you, and you’ll understand.)
7TH DEGREE NEGATIVE: DAN SNYDER - Do the right thing and hang yourself. Do not sell the team and do not get paid. Just die.
ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2009, BEST TO WORST (ties broken by my personal opinion): TE Chris “Captain Chaos” Cooley (+7), MLB London “Fletch” Fletcher (+6), DC Greg “Coach” Blache (+3), SS Chris “Cuatro-ocho” Horton (+2), DE Andre “Contract Year” Carter (+1), SS Reed “Whiteboy” Doughty (+1), P Hunter “the Punter, whose groin is strained” Smith (+1), DE/LB Brian “Wow, this place is fucked” Orakpo (even), DE Jeremy “Jams” Jarmon (even), CB Carlos “Butterfingers” Rogers (even), WR/PR Antwan “5-yards-sideways 1-yard-forwards” Randle El (even), John “Not a Junior” Kent Cooke (-1), HB Clinton Portis “Sheriff Gonna Getcha” Portis (-1), TE Fred “Snooze Button” Davis (-1), FS Laron “Not the Manimal” Landry (-2), FB Mike “Fullback” Sellers (-2), QB Todd “Sudoku” Collins (-3), LB Robert “that Twitter dumbass” Henson (-3), WR Malcolm “Gimpheart” Kelly (-4), DT “Lord” Albert Haynesworth (-5), WR/PR Santana “Juelz” Moss (-5), CB DeAngelo “Team Spokesman” Hall (-6), WR Devin “Wild Child” Thomas (-7), QB Jason “Mushmouth” Campbell (-8), GM Vinny “Mr. Snyder’s Cock Holster” Cerrato (-12), Head Coach Jim “Zorny” Zorn (-24), and Owner Daniel “Dan” Snyder (-27).
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