S14: Best College Football Teams

Well, let us roll through the best college football teams in the United States of the Football for this week. I had originally only planned to do it every other week or so, but really, life is not so much slow as painfully costly with little cash flow to cover the charges, so I like to bury my head in the sands of internet sports dorkery. Again, the method of ranking is simple - 0 losses (at this point at least), with ties broken by highest average margin of victory, and in the rare case of necessity, the second tiebreaker is just my very personal preference.

#1: SIOUX FALLS COUGARS (7-0, 47.000 avg. margin of victory, #1 last week) - Well, the University of Sioux Falls Cougars only won by a 28 to 13 score this past weekend, but instead of their usual NAIA competition, they whooped up on a NCAA Football Championship Sub-division North Dakota team, on the road to boot. It was a huge win, leaving the regular season closing game at Morningside in four weeks as their biggest obstacle left towards perfection going into the NAIA playoffs.

#2: MORNINGSIDE MUSTANGS (6-0, 45.333 avg. margin of victory, #2 last week) - The NAIA league's #5 ranked team stomped Concordia 58 to 7 at home. They haven't given up more than a touchdown defensively since their first game of the year. It makes me wish the NAIA football championship was a smorgasbord of athletic activity like their basketball tournament is, because it'd be fun to go to some mid-sized midwestern city in some run-down former NFL stadium and watch two days of small college, God-fearing, over-sized white dudes and small town brothers kick ass on their small stage. I bet it would involve a lot of Miller High Life Light drinking, at least on my part, probably with tomato juice involved as well.

#3: LINDENWOOD LIONS (7-0, 40.000 avg. margin of victory, #5 last week) - After a 42 to 3 halftime lead, the Lions coasted to a 67 to 10 stomping of weak ass Culver-Stockton last weekend. They remain the #3 ranked team in NAIA football, though I'm sure that bullshit is as chock full of politics and drama as any other college football poll.

#4: MONMOUTH FIGHTING SCOTS (7-0, 39.571 avg. margin of victory, #3 last week) - Monmouth should've run up the score on Ripon more than the 35 to 13 victory it achieved if it wanted to hold down a top three spot in my bullshit blog's decrepit little list inside a neglected corner of the internet. They did jump into the NCAA Division III Top 10, at #9, as a result of their big road win though. Props to you, Fighting Scots of small town Illinois.

#5: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (6-0, 36.500 avg. margin of victory, #6 last week) - And then there is Division III's #2 ranked team, who continued their romp through the Wisconsin University small college system by bucking up UW-Stout at some place called Menomonie, which I think became a skit on The Muppet Show at one point, 38 to 3, last weekend, maintaining their elevated status as the cream of the Wisconsin Intercollegiate Athletic Conference crop. Next up is UW-River Falls at home, and notable about this game is, as I have gleaned most of the helmet images off of the amazingly remarkable Helmet Project website, and have looked through most of it, the UW-River Falls Falcons have one of the pimpest current helmets in college football.

#6: WITTENBERG TIGERS (6-0, 33.667 avg. margin of victory, #4 last week) - Mighty little Wittenberg used a last second field goal to eke out a win on the road against the Little Giants of Wabash College last week (who were ranked #7 in this very listing before the game), and I'm sure could give half a fuck less they dropped in the very arbitrary margin of victory tiebreaker, as they won their toughest regular season game of the year. But they probably should've went for the touchdown, like men.

#7: ST. XAVIER COUGARS (8-0, 33.375 avg. margin of victory, #9 last week) - NAIA's #8 ranked Cougars from somewhere in Illinois stomped on some other obscure school 66 to 31, including a 42 point first quarter beatdown. That's ridiculous. I can't wait for the NAIA playoffs for these little assed teams to start eating each other like football Battle Royale.

#8: WESLEY WOLVERINES (6-0, 31.667 avg. margin of victory, #13 last week) - You would expect if a team on the Worst Teams list from last week was hosting a team from last week's Best Teams list, that you might get a 49 to 0 waste of a cold Virginia afternoon. Well, that's exactly what you got in Newport News last weekend, apparently, and Wesley climbs five spots in the football bully poll.

#9: ST. FRANCIS COUGARS (6-0, 31.000 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) - Jumping into the bully poll is the NAIA's University of Saint Francis Cougars, who had Bishop D'Arcy Stadium in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, rocking last week, as they whomped up on some Trinity International ass (I think that's an amateur porn flick about Latina midgets), 63 to 7. The NAIA - Home to Motherfuckers Getting Their Asses Whooped.

#10: NORTH ALABAMA LIONS (8-0, 29.250 avg. margin of victory, #12 last week) - North Alabama beat state rival Delta State last weekend, 34 to 24, and was rewarded with their first ever #1 ranking in NCAA Division II football. The weird thing is, you know who coaches North Alabama? Terry Bowden. I had wondered what happened to that guy. Too bad his dad is screwing up the foundation he set in Florida State so badly that a Bowden, who would've been accepted with open arms not so long ago, wouldn't be invited for a second interview, at least not till Jimbo Wright screws it up officially for a few years. How the hell do you hire a guy called Jimbo in 2009 anyways?

#11: CASE WESTERN RESERVE SPARTANS (6-0, 28.667 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) - NCAA Division III top ten powerhouse enters the bully poll after beating Ohio Wesleyan 55 to 7. Case Western Reserve plays in a four-team conference, and with only four weeks of regular season football left, won't even have a conference game until two weeks from now. That's wacky, ain't it?

#12: FLORIDA GATORS (6-0, 27.667 avg. margin of victory, #10 last week) - Took a little swamp voodoo on the foot of the Arkansas Razorback kicker to get 'r done, but Florida is still undefeated, and allows for a small representation of Division I household-known football presence in my goofy little thing. I think it would be great if Tim Tebow got concussed, his memory was gone for three days, it came back, and he went on a big "I am Jesus" freak out because of all that. At the same time, as a proud homeschooler, I cannot wish ill, even weak comedic attempt type ill, on the first homeschooled Heisman Trophy homeboy. Usually we just win spelling bees and shit.

#13: TEXAS LONGHORNS (6-0, 27.333 avg. margin of victory, #11 last week) - Texas also survived a marquee match-up against football players people actually know the name of, and dropped two notches in this completely unimportant list, but maintained a foothold here, meaning some random asshole in Texas is gonna google search Texas Longhorns football and end up looking at this right here, which will make me feel more comfortable when looking at my keyword stats than some of the perverted ass shit people be looking up inside the internets. It is disturbing to realize how the internet search engines artificial intelligence thinks someone wanting to watch "midget latina amateur double penetrations" should look at my blog.

#14: LAMBUTH EAGLES (7-0, 26.857 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) - Hey look, it's yet another NAIA team in this thing! Lambuth pitched their first shutout of the year last week, down at some school named Faulkner in Alabama, 59 to 0. I'm sure the bus ride back to Jackson, Tennessee, was pleasurable, and I bet Coach even bought a bunch of two-for-a-dollar apple pies at Mickey D’s.
Gone From This List From Last Week: Wabash Little Giants (lost to Wittenberg, 10 to 7), Mary Hardin-Baylor Crusaders (lost to Mississippi College, 17 to 14), and St. Thomas Tommies (lost an epic one to the St. John’s Johnnies, 20 to 17).