S14: Worst College Football Teams

On the opposite side of the undefeated is these sad sack teams - the worst college football teams of this year's young season thus far, requirements being no wins, and then highest average margin of defeat breaking the ties. I live near the University of Virginia, and the hatred of Al Groh is high, even though he is Norv Turner-like in his ability to do just enough year after year to not get fired. But could you imagine being a backer of one of these teams? Granted, most all of them are small colleges, but it's got to be depressing. How do you even get kids to come play at these schools? Well, here's your list...

#1: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-6, 55.500 avg. margin of defeat) - Though the NAIA-affiliated Texas College football team has had a terrible start to their football season - including a 92 to 0 loss at Stephen F. Austin - they had a great showing this past weekend, only losing 35 to 32 on the road to Bacone. Things can only get better from here.

#2: ROCKFORD REGENTS (0-5, 42.200 avg. margin of defeat) - It is a shame to my dear mother, who was born in Rockford, Illinois, that the Rockford College Regents football team is so damned bad. They are consistent though, getting beaten consistently by around 40 points, rather than mixing in super blowouts with close games. Props to them.

#3: BECKER HAWKS (0-6, 39.167 avg. margin of defeat) - Man, looking at Becker College's (of Leicester, Massachusetts) results are rough to digest. They lost a game 42 to 2, and you have to assume the safety was like a pity safety to make for an easier punt at some point during the game. Becker, you would think, is the worst team in the NCAA Division III Eastern Collegiate Football Conference.

#4: ANNA MARIA AMCATS (0-6, 38.667 avg. margin of defeat) - Well, you would think that, except Anna Maria College are playing their first year of football ever, and are also in the Eastern Collegiate Football Conference. Sadly, they do not have Becker College scheduled this year. They do get to play Castleton State, also in its first season of football, whom they played once already to start the year, losing a respectable a 42 to 28 affair. In a few weeks, they'll get a second shot against Castleton's virgin team, as well as a game against Gallaudet's Fighting Deaf Bison football team, historically one of the worst in NCAA Division III.

#5: HIRAM COLLEGE TERRIERS (0-5, 38.200 avg. margin of defeat) - They are in the same Division III conference as the undefeated teams from Wittenberg and Wabash, and they've only already played Wittenberg (in a thrilling 70 to 7 loss), so their schedule will not get easy later on. I was roommates with a dude who was playing linebacker for Hampden-Sydney College, another Division III football team, a year they went 0-10. It was painful for the guy, and now HSC is undefeated and semi-respectable again, but that 0-10 year is like a historical marker for their team history. Everyone knows about it, and my old roommate has to live with that shame for the rest of his life. I feel for the guy, as well as all the guys like him struggling in shitbag teams like Hiram College.

#6: LAWRENCE VIKINGS (0-5, 37.400 avg. margin of defeat) - Here is the margin of defeat in Lawrence College's games this year, from first to most recent: 53 point loss to Monmouth, 42 point loss to St. Norbert, 42 point loss to Grinnell, 16 point loss to Illinois College, 14 point loss to Lake Forest this past weekend. As you can see, they are slowly angling their way towards busting up that goose egg in their W column.

#7: NEW MEXICO HIGHLANDS COWBOYS (0-7, 37.286 avg. margin of defeat) - The Highlands high rollers from Las Vegas, New Mexico, wherever the fuck that is, are, thus far, the worst team in NCAA Division II football, and the 98-pound weaklings of the Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference.

#8: NEWPORT NEWS APPRENTICE SCHOOL BUILDERS (0-5, 37.200 avg. margin of defeat) - My home state finally represents! And they've only got four games left. I'm not even sure what the fuck a Newport News Apprentice School is, but I think it has to do with shipbuilding. Seriously. A school dedicated to building ships having a football team is a harsh reality for whoever has to coach that team.

#9: DANA VIKINGS (0-6, 36.667 avg. margin of defeat) - Dana College shares NAIA conference affiliation with two of the undefeated juggernauts from yesterday's list - Morningside and Sioux Falls, but luckily have already been fucked up by both those teams. This week they play a team called Peru State. It's too bad small college jerseys are so crude because I'd pimp a Peru State jersey like a motherfucker.

#10: SOUTHERN VIRGINIA KNIGHTS (0-6, 34.833 avg. margin of defeat) - An NAIA team that is only like an hour from my home and has existed for seven years, yet I've never heard of it at all. Seems odd. The big showdown is, if both teams can maintain their relentless pursuit of imperfection, Southern Virginia will close out the season with a road game against Newport News Apprentice School on November 14. If they are both still winless, I may even go to that game, just because.

#11: MARANATHA BAPTIST BIBLE COLLEGE CRUSADERS (0-5, 34.400 avg. margin of defeat) - They have not scored more than 12 in a game, and not been closer than a 25-point loss to St. Scholastica, 33 to 8 in week two of their season. But, if things hold their pattern, on November 7th, in Watertown, Wisconsin, the Crusaders will host the Regents of Rockford, in a game where someone who believes in Christ will have to win.

#12: IDAHO STATE BENGALS (0-6, 34.167 avg. margin of defeat) - NCAA Division I football is broken up into the big-time teams and Football Champsionship Sub-division smaller teams, who actually have a playoff system, but usually also do the job to the bigger bowl-bound teams to start out the season. This means almost no actual Division I NCAA team is without a win after the first three weeks of the season, and that there are a slew of FCS I-AA teams that get crushed on the regular, for big bucks. Idaho State is actually at this point the worst team of that motley assortment. They cashed checks for crushing destructions against Arizona State (50 to 3) and Oklahoma (64 to 0), but have now moved onto losing to the directional schools of their home Big Sky Conference.

#13: KENTUCKY CHRISTIAN KNIGHTS (0-6, 33.333 avg. margin of defeat) - It is obvious that, Tim Tebow aside, Jesus freaks cannot play football. The Kentucky Christian University Knights are an NAIA school, snake handlers, and believers of a God that doesn't recognize Obama's birth certificate since it's from Hawaii which has not been blessed by the Lord's favor yet.

#14: SOUTHWESTERN OKLAHOMA STATE BULLDOGS (0-7, 33.286 avg. margin of defeat) - Well, to be fair, the Division II football team from Southwestern Oklahoma State University went on the road last week, to Tahlequah, Oklahoma, and only lost to Northeastern State University 13 to 6. After games against Central Oklahoma University in Edmond and then back home to Weatherford to host East Central University, they'll get their best shot for a win against the Oklahoma Panhandle State University Aggies at home. Man, there's a ton of obscure bullshit football in Oklahoma.