S14: Worst College Football Teams

So yeah, here's the 14 shittiest college football teams thus far, through the past weekend, as determined by the simple formula of no wins, ties broken by highest average margin of defeat...

#1: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-8, 46.375 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last week) - The Steers came so close last weekend, only losing 31 to 26 at home against Oklahoma Panhandle State, another notoriously not-that-good team. The Steers have three more shots at erasing the goose egg from their W column, and they have been trending towards a potential victory in recent weeks.

#2: BECKER HAWKS (0-8, 41.750 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last week) - The Hawks lost 37 to 0 to Gallaudet, which is the deaf kid college, and was a football team that only a few years back hadn't won a game in like five years time. Becker's best of their two final chances to win a game might be this coming week hosting Castleton, who never had a college football team until this year.

#3: SOUTHERN VIRGINIA KNIGHTS (0-7, 39.143 avg. margin of defeat, #6 last week) - This NAIA recluse's trip down to Carolina to play at FCS team Gardner-Webb did not go well, as the bus ride home to Buena Vista was after a 65 to 0 drubbing, and helped them shoot up the college football Shit List. Still, their showdown against almost equally as inept Apprentice School is only two weeks away.

#4: ROCKFORD REGENTS (0-7, 39.143 avg. margin of defeat, #3 last week) - Best defensive performance of the year last week against Aurora by Rockford, giving up only 37 points. Their offense only added 0 points though, yet still they actually drop a spot in this week's worst team Shit List. And of three remaining games, in two weeks they travel to play Maranatha Baptist Bible College in yet another potential showdown of reverse magnitude from off of this list.

#5: NEWPORT NEWS APPRENTICE SCHOOL BUILDERS (0-6, 37.500 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last week) - They had last week off, but I found a timeline of their football program's history inside the internets. The best three-year block of their existence was 2005 through 2007, when they went 5-5, 7-3, and 5-5. That's their high watermark.

#6: MARANATHA BAPTIST BIBLE COLLEGE CRUSADERS (0-7, 35.429 avg. margin of defeat, #10 last week) - They climb a few spots up (or down?) this list after giving up a season-high 64 points at Concordia, although they also scored a season-high 14 points. Their game hosting Rockford in two weeks might be their only chance at a W.

#7: ANNA MARIA CATS (0-8, 35.375 avg. margin of defeat, #8 last week) - Lost 48 to 0 at Norwich this past week, and only seem to have one more game scheduled on their initial year of playing the footballs, against the totally deaf Gallaudet University. The sad thing for me personally is that both Anna Maria and Becker are in the Division III Eastern Collegiate Football Conference, yet they don't play each other. Seems unwise that the same small conference could offer, at year's end, two of the remaining unwinning teams in college football.

#8: HIRAM COLLEGE TERRIERS (0-7, 34.714 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) - After escaping the Shit List briefly last week, Hiram College stepped back up big time with a 63 to 14 loss to Case Western Reserve on the road. Amos Sutton Hayden would be proud. But look at their helmets... it's like Spuds McKenzie.

#9: NEW MEXICO HIGHLANDS COWBOYS (0-9, 34.333 avg. margin of defeat, #5 last week) - A noble road shoot-out loss to Western New Mexico, 50 to 30, helped the Cowboys climb their way down this list, with only two games remaining on their schedule. Their offensive output last week was more than their previous four games combined.

#10: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-7, 34.286 avg. margin of defeat, #11 last week) - A meager 49 to 7 loss to Benedictine College helped the Wildcats climb a notch this week towards being the most inept program in collegiate football 2009. They actually went winless last year as well, and haven't won a game since October 20, 2007.

#11: DANA VIKINGS (0-8, 33.625 avg. margin of defeat, #7 last week) - Lost 38 to 7 at Hastings College last week, to hang tough on the Shit List, though climbing their way out of it. If you google news search "Dana Vikings" the top news items that show up are how Brock Lesnar must be faking his sickness since he was at the Vikings game the other week.

#12: TRINITY INTERNATIONAL TROJANS (0-9, 33.444 avg. margin of defeat, #13 last week) - The Trojans climb a spot on the back of a 48 to 7 drubbing against Taylor, and with only two weeks left in their NAIA season, could be doomed to a 0.

#13: LOCK HAVEN BALD EAGLES (0-8, 32.750 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) - When I did this thing last year, though not weekly, Lock Haven was a presence then, as was their conference rival Cheyney. Both of them have been 0 for the year thus far this year as well, but only now has one of them been losing by enough to crack the Top 14 Shit List, after losing 27 to 0 last week and a 45 to 0 showing the week before. Sadly, Cheyney and Lock Haven have not scheduled each other this year.

#14: IDAHO STATE BENGALS (0-8, 32.000 avg. margin of defeat, #12 last week) - Actually moved away from being the worst a little this week, after a semi-respectable 40 to 12 road loss to Northern Arizona. In two weeks, they host one of the top two teams in the Football Championship Subdivision class of NCAA Division I football, when Montana comes to town. That will probably be ugly.

Gone From This List From Last Week: Kentucky Christian Knights (beat Faulkner at home, 22 to 14), and West Georgia Wolves (beat West Alabama in Georgia, 10 to 9).