AFFORDABILITY: It is local, and I guess they have some sort of deal with the Country Blessings place to make their local microdrink slightly cheaper than the hodgepodge selection of other microdranks, so in that sense - the sense of me walking into the nice but expensive boutique country store to buy beer from their fine beer selection since the Food Lion don’t really stock shit since we only have a small scale Food Lion which replaced the IGA which was a gross ass grocery store but if you wanted something like a certain beer you could ask Joe the guy who owned and managed it, “Hey Joe, could you stock a couple six-packs of Newcastle Brown Ale, because my wife really loves it, and I’d buy it from time to time,” and Joe would do that, even tell you when it had come in for the first time. In the today sense of my small town reality, I guess it’s cheap, but ol’ Joe would’ve had it for half a dollar cheaper, and I would’ve got to look at the meat cutting trophies from the 1970s in a display case while I checked out. Plus, they had a claw machine. 2 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: All Starr Hill brand beers have limited destroyability for myself because, first of all, they mostly all taste and look the exact same, with slight variations, like using a computer program to see what your kids would look like should you procreate with women from different regions of the earth. And secondly, Coran Capshaw is the man with his hand behind the plan of these beers, which makes me not want to get drunk, but burn down half of Charlottesville. I can drink them down, but not fast enough to get tore the hell up when I start thinking about Mr. Capshaw and how he owns the whole town and forces his hand into every music club around and is going to take the empty space behind Douglas Avenue where the only honest garage on earth Coles Automotive was located and turn it into condominiums all the way to the Coal Tower where crusty punk kids used to party before that one dude killed that girl, the whole thing makes me sick, and I can't drink 'em fast enough, because if I learned one thing from seeing my dad be a complete alcoholic, it was pouring beer on sadness don't help a damned thing. 1 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: It is a beer bottle label that portends a carnival which I can’t confront upon because me and carnies go back like red and black lumberjacks with the hat to match. The art looks a little too much like a children’s Rupert book drawn by a shroomhead, but still. 3 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: That dude Coran, who owns everything around where I live. I should probably not talk shit in case I decide to sell myself out, but kind of like finger tattoos, I can’t help but sabotage my future to stay true to my present. 0 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: I don't know man, I'm just not a Starr Hill fan, and feel guilty supporting it because I feel like I'm supporting my own demise. I should probably twist my attitude on that front, but my attitude's twisted enough as it is. 0 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 1 & 1/5 STARS!
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