#1: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (8-1, 4th overall) - Man, I can't even take Brett Favre games seriously as they have Favre cams and analysts actually say "love of the game" and "gunslinger" and it's like a Mr. Show skit and I laugh and laugh and laugh and suck on my big balloon full of nitrous oxide I stole out the dentist's office because he doesn't lock his back door and only has the one ADT wire in the front part of his Main Street spot.
#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (6-3, 6th overall) - It's amazing how many games the Cowboys have won this year with Ralph Wiggum being allowed another year of "coaching" this team by Heath Ledger's last performance as owner. I will say this though, there are lots of players who get lots of hype that I don't like much for really no real good reason at all, and I will say derogatory things about them. But in my short lifetime of experiences, I have ran wide circles with many varying crowds, and you learn to not necessarily judge people but prepare yourself for them by the look in their eyes. It is the window to the soul. When I look into Tony Romo's eyeballs, even on the television, you see a man who is denying his true self and is a dishonest and probably self-abusive individual. He is the most obvious closeted, even to himself, gay man the NFL currently has, which is why T.O., a more flamboyant version of the same, had such a problem with Romo and Jason Witten being such "boys" and almost killing himself. Man, Dallas left behind the Jimmy Johnson era of drug addicted sodomites, but it seems their sodomite influence is as strong as ever. Has there ever been a professional sports franchise with such a rich and long history of sexual perversion?
#3: NEW YORK GIANTS (5-4, 13th overall) - As a Redskins fan, the Giants are like third-place rival, behind the obvious Cowboys and the Eagles (with their retard fans), so when the Giants do good, ehh whatever. And when they do bad, it is also like whatever. Really, this is a boring fucking football team. Eli Manning is like the most Phil Simms vanilla ass bitch you could probably still find in post hip hop America in the year 2009, and really, is there even a remotely interesting personality on this team left this year (other than obviously Osi Umenyiora, since there really aren't that many people who are stoked to piss on others for sexual gratification anymore)?
#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (5-4, 15th overall) - Look, I will be serious for a second here... Bryan Westbrook has been one of those solid dudes who even though they play for a division rival or your favorite team, they do it without ego and without bullshit swagger yet they fucking kick ass, including your favorite team's one, on the regular. But it's hard not to like that type of guy. This multiple concussion shit is something that even five years ago no one would've thought twice about, and shit man, honestly, I've had four or five concussions in my life, including a couple of really good ones that knocked me goofy for a few days. Usually, alcohol was involved, so you can blame the concussion effects on detoxing after a heavy drunk, but the last one I got there was no alcohol involved, so I felt the full effect of being knocked stupid because my brain had gotten swolled up inside its shell. It's some crazy shit, mostly because we study our brains as humans with our brains, so everything we "discover" has to be taken with a grain of salt. Still, you hate to see a dude like Westbrook be done because of rattled brains. But at the same time, maybe a solid dude would get out while he's still solid, ala Barry Sanders, instead of perpetuating the bullshit machismo football player stereotype and playing until they forcibly remove him from the league.
#5: CHICAGO BEARS (4-5, 18th overall) - Oh man, Jay Cutler is hilarious, with a natural born poutface tossing mad interceptions like he's your 8-year-old cousin playing you in Madden. I would have to assume somewhere along the way there was some sort of curse that has doomed Bears QBs to be retarded even when quite possibly good. This means two things... Firstly, no new QB will ever be good enough, especially after Bears fans were lining up to fellate Jay Cutler when he got traded there. And secondly, if you factor in the Bears Curse quotient, in actuality, Jim McMahon must've been better than Joe Montana, and would've won four Super Bowls, but he got stuck in Chicago inside their QB curse. Odd how they would always have awesome middle linebackers and terrible quarterbacks, like their heritage is full of pride for not losing too badly.
#6: GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-4, 19th overall) - The Packers one week will be the best team in the NFC, and the next week they lose to the Browns or some shit like that. There is no identity, which I guess, sad as I am to make this statement, that's what made Brett Favre great. He might fuck up, or he might not, but you knew what was gonna happen every week. You don't really know what you're getting with this Packers team week in week out. Granted, their O-line is decimated to fuck, so the fact Aaron Rodgers can even do what he's done makes him a thousand times better than say a David Carr or Patrick Ramsey, and honestly, Brett Favre probably would've been crippled by now anyways and Rodgers would be their QB anyways.
#7: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-6, 26th overall) - I am a Redskins fan, and I know there are lots of politically correct websites like buyoutsnyder.com or snydersucks or whatever about Dan Snyder not owning this team anymore. But I am a realistic man, and also not ashamed at all to just outright say, I hope Dan Snyder dies. I am a conscious man, so hopefully it's natural and mostly pain-free, but still, die Dan Snyder die. I'm sure this would be shocking to many, but really, if I can't wish death upon those that infringe upon a perfect Sunday for myself, then can I really call myself American? Am I truly free if I have to stifle these feelings of hatred for a little-dicked miniature man who has ran my one emotionally-important sports team into the worst years of my life? And I don't really want him to die, if he sells the team. But if he still owns them, then yes, I want him to die.
#8: DETROIT LIONS (1-8, 32nd overall) - Man, they were ranked last according to my methods last year, obviously, and somehow they've slipped back down to the last overall spot again this year. It makes me feel bad for Lions fans. Hell, they just sold the Silverdome for like half a million, which was the big sports talk radio bit of the day, but really, that's crazy as fuck. Like, where I live, the economy sucks, but the local redneck family who made a fortune building logging equipment, half a million is something they could pull together easily. They could've bought the Silverdome for a private members only mud bog club, except the Silverdome is in Michigan, where I guess people are way more fucked than here. Which I guess is also how I should look at my Redskins - we are a long way's from being the Lions. In fact, even if we sucked every year from here till my death, it still wouldn't be as bad as being a Lions fan.
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