NFL WEEK 13: Draftboard Time

There are many who have complained about how bad the lower tier of NFL teams is this year, but honestly, I have no problem with it. The fact we get to watch every game possible now and it stretches from Thursday to Monday makes us pretend every game is more important. But back in the day, other than Monday night, everything was Sunday afternoon, and there were all types of shitty teams buried in the non-cablefied mix of thangs. A nice slew of shitty assed teams help guarantee dominant dynastic teams, which possibly sets up bullshit like the Saints vs. the Colts, both undefeated, in the Super Bowl, which would be amazing as fuck, but won’t happen. That would be like an Arena League game. Nonetheless, I’ve called in sick a few weeks this year, but I’m gonna start my final regular season cycle of team talkings this week, with the lowest rung, the shittiest of shitty teams that really have no hope for much else than not only getting a top draft pick but actually magically not blowing it like they have a long history of doing, which most of these teams do.

#1: BUFFALO BILLS (4-7, 22nd overall) - The fact T.O. has not imploded shows two things... first off, Buffalo is a deep, dark corner of the NFL earth, and two, nobody cares. They will never win in those ugly assed uniforms.

#2: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-8, 25th overall) - You would think the Chiefs would have a bright ass future, with like 25 1st and 2nd round picks the past few years combined, and they show flashes I guess, like beating Pittsburgh the other weekend, but they still end up being the Chiefs. I’m not sold on Matt Cassell as a solid dude to lead your team to not-sucktitude, but what the fuck do I know? I can’t even afford Madden 10.

#3: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-8, 27th overall) - My favorite sports team on the whole wide earth has pained me so painfully this year that I can’t even think of amusing or black-hearted ways to make fun of them. I am cry.

#4: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-8, 28th overall) - When I feel really sad about the Redskins, I try to look at the Raiders, where Al Davis is building an offense even more retarded to outsiders than Dan Snyder has done. But Dan Snyder is young, so give him time. He can one day be as old, weird, delusional, meddling, and stupid as Al Davis.

#5: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (1-10, 29th overall) - I have heard talk radio talkings of how some dudes could get fired after one year head coaching, including Raheem Morris in Tampa. How the fuck can you throw a 23-year-old black dude into a head coaching gig with that shitpot of misfits and expect him to succeed? I bet it’s because he plays too much rap music and the Glazer family is racist.

#6: CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-10, 30th overall) - Man, the Browns are a terrible terrible terrible football team coming apart at the seams. And yet somehow they might not get higher than the 3rd or 4th pick in next year’s draft. I guess there really is an abundance of excellent mediocrity this year.

#7: DETROIT LIONS (2-9, 31st overall) - They still seem to be doomed. Maybe they should’ve sacrificed Matt Millen on a lakeboat casino in a pagan ritual meant to cleanse the team of its terrible and tragic history, and then changed their uniforms to blood red and black like that team from Hell in Madden football.

#8: ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-10, 32nd overall) - They won a Super Bowl in the past decade? For real though? Poor Stephen Jackson, dwindling away in obscurity, with a limited shelf life as an NFL running back.