Oranjeboom Premium Beer

AFFORDABILITY: The Oranjeboom is some sort of semi-real beer you can purchase in the beer aisle of Trader Joe's, which means it's on the budget tip, but budget white people tip, because you can only find Trader Joe's in white enclaves where the Whole Foods is too corporate and people just aren't comfortable putting Angie's vegetarian frozen foods into the trunk of their Prius, so they'd rather fill it with questionably organic frozen foods from Trader Joe's. I will tell you we hit the fuck out that store for the following things: organic frozen corn, frozen wild blueberries, olive oil, grade B maple syrup, crackers, funky little bottles of balsamic vinaigrette, “fresh” mozzarella balls, and weird shitty beer. Also, we do it all with food stamps, except for the beer, which means you paid for it. You paid for my children to fill a plastic coffee mug with organic frozen corn and walk around the house wanting to watch some Angelina Ballerina on the television. I mean, I paid for it too, in a worked sense, but honestly, I cheat on my taxes and don’t pay shit, ever. Fuck this government. But yeah, when you roll into the Trader Joe’s, the dude behind the cybertronic bar code scanning machine says, “$52.39,” and you say, “I’m gonna use my EBT card for what I can,” and he pushes a button and then says, “$4.29,” then the Oranjeboom don’t cost shit. Bwahahahahaha. 5 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: The Oranjeboom has a slightly odd taste that makes me feel like I used to be The D.O.C. maybe, but kind of Norwegian instead. I don't necessarily like that feeling, although I'm sure a vast array of vaginas comes as a standard feature. Kind of like GPS satellite directions though, I don't really need that. I'm good as it is, good as fuck. Oranjeboom rolls like the type of thing, that though supposedly part of a "good time", actually steps in the way a touch, causing you to point your toes inward like an 42-year-old woman having an oral sex orgasm, except you are a dude wearing some raggedy ass Converse, and you can't walk with the proper swagger through life when you got your toes curled all day long, tensed up, putting an ulcer inside your Achilles tendon. Also, I am watching Good Times and James Evans wouldn't drink this shit. You know, I went to the Best Buy and the Good Times was on sale, but I didn't have for-real money, just a little bit left of credit limit, and I thunk upon myself, "What would Florida Evans do?" And I knew she wouldn't buy this shit, so I left. But then I also thought to myself, "What would J.J. do, before he learned his good morale lesson in part two of the cliffhanger?" So I went back in and through The Good Times inside my jersey, and then kind of hung out loosey goosey style looking at the markdown shit up front until a pair of younger black dudes walked towards the exit, and I followed right behind, and the alarm went off because of my Good Times, so I stopped with my arms out, and the door dude was like, "You're good," and went after the black dudes, saying, "You're good." You'd be surprised how much shit you can steal through those electronic alarms just by stopping when the alarm goes off. I guess I could feel bad about having those black dudes get played by stereotypes, but I ain't the one that's racist. I'm just using racism against society's self, to my own benefit. And really, a white dude like me can only play the race card in small stakes increments, like getting his self some Good Times on DVD for free. And James and Florida are always wearing orange-ish clothes, to properly highlight their bold African-American features. James Evans has the best nostril flares in ever. He would've never drank Oranjeboom. Ever. Shit, the bus don't even go to Short Pump where they sell this shit at. 0 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: There are some things going on on this can that I fully endorse. Pinstripes and odd colors, kinda like Trader Joe's is the liberal company I would expect them to be and they have a beer vending machine at their design office, and some dude was sitting there drinking and listening to Premier League games on the satellite radio and decided he'd make a beer can up that would look good as a soccer jersey. So he came up with this. As I am in the midst of early onset of World Cup Fever, I cannot hate upon such a scenario, even if I completely made it up with my retarded brain. 7 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Oranjeboom has allegedly been brewed since 1671 by some Dutch people, United Dutch Breweries, but what the fuck is it about orange and the Dutch? Is there something I've missed in history? The national sports teams where orange, and this shit has orange in it ("Oranjeboom" translates as "orange tree"). I don't remember seeing crazy orange flags looking at Euro flags in the almanac when I sit around and look at flags and fantasize about all the ones I want to buy (#1 on my list - Rwanda). But whatever the situation, I have to think United Dutch Breweries is some sort of syndicate that controlled all the smaller breweries, and this one was the proudest and cheapest Dutch model to force upon the world, so they cut a deal with Trader Joe's, since I've never ever ever seen it anywhere else, or even heard of it before. I like such proudly ambitious yet naively localized world domination efforts. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Oranjeboom's tall slender cans and odd style from crazy Dutch people is flavorful, but the fact it's only found (as fas as I know) at Trader Joe's makes it seem kinda frou-frou with a splash of ghetto (because that's basically what Trader Joe's is). I don't know, if it came in weird-shaped 12-packs at the Food Lion with pictures of the Dutch national soccer team on it, I'd have more handfuls of daps for it, but as it stands, I'm on the fence. 3 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 3 & 4/5 STARS!