S14: Best College Football Teams

I had meant to do these the past two weeks as minor division college football playoffs have started up and shaved off contenders to the top of this list, but life has been too real and I ain’t done shit inside the internets to post of. But here we are, with this week’s Bully List of teams who are still as of yet undefeated in the various realms of college footballs and have won by the most average margins of points...

#1: SIOUX FALLS COUGARS (13-0, 44.000 avg. margin of victory, #1 last time) - The first two rounds of the NAIA playoffs, Sioux Falls won 63 to 21, and 49 to 21 (against archrival Morningside, whose only two losses this season came to Sioux Falls). This week, in the NAIA semifinals (their 5th straight trip that far, and 7 out of 8 years they’ve made the NAIA football final four), they face-off against St. Xavier (see below) at home.

#2: MOUNT UNION PURPLE RAIDERS (12-0, 39.583 avg. margin of victory, #7 last time) - Mount Union is the most dominant college football team of any division there is, and thus, rather than eke out victories and be near the top every year, like a Florida or Texas for Division I examples, they go undefeated most every regular season, and start to actually peak at the end of the year. First two rounds of the Division III playoffs, Mount Union beat Washington & Jefferson 55 to 0 and Montclair State 62 to 14. Their last 7 games combined, they’ve given up a total of 42 points, yet never scored less than 44 in any individual game. On top of all this, former Mount Union alum Pierre Garcon is making rare NFL noise for a Division III player as one of Peyton Manning’s latest WR beneficiaries. I had been wondering how a black dude could be named Pierre Garcon, but it turns out he’s Haitian, so colonialism is the explanation. Mount Union hosts Albright College this weekend in a Division III quarterfinal game.

#3: LINDENWOOD LIONS (12-0, 37.917 avg. margin of victory, #4 last time) - Crushed previously unbeaten Ottawa Braves last weekend, 64 to 26, and earned the right to roll into Montana to take on fellow unbeaten Carroll College in the NAIA semifinals, with a trip to scenic backwoods and mildly racist Rome, Georgia, for the NAIA championship on the line.

#4: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (12-0, 36.917 avg. margin of victory, #6 last time) - In their first two Division III playoff games this season, the Whitewater Warhawks of Wisconsin have outscored their opponents by 100 points. That’s two games. This week they take on another unbeaten and domineering team in Wittenberg in the D-III quarterfinals.

#5: ST. XAVIER COUGARS (13-0, 32.462 avg. margin of victory, #5 last time) - Scored 52 points per game the first two rounds of the NAIA playoffs and earn the right to go to Sioux Falls and in all likelihood get their asses kicked this weekend. But who knows. When the NAIA Cougars of St. Xavier play the NAIA Cougars of Sioux Falls in early December playoff action, you can throw the records out the window.

#6: WITTENBERG TIGERS (12-0, 31.667 avg. margin of victory, #8 last time) - Wittenberg, who has won big all year, is playing closer in the D-III playoffs, and has to travel to Whitewater, Wisconsin, to play one of D-III’s heaviest heavyweights this weekend, hoping for a couple of wins to get them to Salem, Virginia, to play in the Stagg Bowl. That would be the the D-III championship game, and Salem, Virginia, even in Virginia, is mostly known as “the outskirts of Roanoke.”

#7: TEXAS CHRISTIAN HORNED FROGS (12-0, 28.250 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - TCU shall be this year’s non-BCS darling in a big bowl game, but it won’t be a championship game, even if Texas loses to Nebraska and whoever wins the SEC title game has a plane wreck on the way home. Division I college football is stupid, and the excuses for no playoff system are basically like a Mexican cop justifying why you have to give him $100 to not go to jail.

#8: TEXAS LONGHORNS (12-0, 27.583 avg. margin of victory, #12 last time) - I got to watch a good portion of that Texas A&M vs. Texas Thanksgiving night game, and what the fuck? I thought Texas had defensive players drafted every year into the NFL. There was no defense in that game, and it kind of made me hope for a match-up against Alabama with them, for the conflict of interests that would create. But at the same time, Colt McCoy looks like an 11-year-old soccer field dickhead, in my mind making him Tyler Hansbrough-like, which means I hope Nebraska accidentally paralyzes him this weekend and Texas loses and ends up playing in the Cotton Bowl against Arkansas or some bullshit.

#9: WESLEY WOLVERINES (12-0, 26.667 avg. margin of victory, #10 last time) - The Wolverines have been cruising through the D-III playoffs, and this weekend host road-ready, upset-minded Johns Hopkins University (I think they are the Fighting Interventionary Radiologists) in the quarterfinals, with a win setting up a showdown with stupid bad Mount Union.

#10: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (12-0, 26.667 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - A couple of big wins the past couple weeks, including crushing Chattanooga, has given the Crimson Tide enough of a margin of victory, combined with D-III and NAIA playoffs picking off other teams, to finally crack this list. This past year, I’ve gotten more into college football than ever before, and I’m actually pretty stoked to watch the SEC Title game this weekend, especially to root against Florida because I hate Jesus.

#11: BOISE STATE BRONCOS (12-0, 25.750 avg. margin of victory, #14 last time) - Has a tune-up match on their blue turf against New Mexico State this weekend, and then anxiously awaits being screwed by BCS bullshit.

#12: CARROLL FIGHTING SAINTS (13-0, 21.538 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - The NAIA’s least dominant unbeaten dominant team, hosting Lindenwood in a high altitude semifinal football contest this Saturday.

#13: FLORIDA GATORS (12-0, 20.833 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - Fuck Tim Tebow. You know what I mean? Let him go play in Canada.

#14: CINCINNATI BEARCATS (11-0, 20.727 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) - Pittsburgh ruined Cincinnati’s chance of a BCS title game back door sneak-in entry by losing to to West Virginia in the Backyard Brawl last weekend, so Cincinnati will have to settle for whatever non-championship game they get being Kings by Default of the Big East Conference.

Gone From This List From Last Time: Morningside Mustangs (lost at Sioux Falls last weekend, 49 to 21, in the NAIA playoffs), Monmouth Fighting Scots (lost in the first round of the D-III playoffs two weeks ago, 43 to 21, hosting the St. Thomas Tommies), Case Western Reserve Spartans (lost in the first round of the D-III playoffs to Trine College, 51 to 38, at home), North Alabama Lions (first they lost a quadruple overtime regular season-ending game against West Alabama, and then went into the Division II playoffs as a high seed but lost last weekend at home against Carson-Newman, 24 to 21, falling a couple games short of a national championship), Ottawa Braves (lost 64 to 26 last weekend to Lindenwood in the NAIA quarterfinals).