Simpler Times Lager

AFFORDABILITY: It is the cheapest beer available in the Trader Joe’s fake beer section selection, and when you factor it into the by the can deal they offer, you could buy a pair of cans of this for a dollar and some tax change, and the can promises 6.2% alcohol content. That makes it some homeless man beer, but at a place homeless folks can’t catch a bus ride to. 9 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Simpler Times tastes like a couple of asses. Honestly, in the throes of sex, you can touch an actual ass, or around the edges of it, with your tongue, and it doesn’t actually have a taste, much less something terrible, so that’s more a figure of speech. So let’s place another thing into that metaphor... Simpler Times tastes like putting your tongue between the toes of some nasty, workboot-wearing dude who has worn the same white socks three days in a row, with a hole in the heel of his left sock and three of his toes sticking through the front end of his right sock. It smells like malaria and tastes like you don’t taste it because the smell is overpowering and ruins your taste. Did you know that if you wear a blindfold and hold chopped onions under your nose but eat a pear, it tastes like onions because your olfactory senses overpower your taste buds? For real though. So when I say Simpler Times tastes like a couple of asses, more realistically it makes me think I’m smelling a couple of asses, with a can of beer pouring into my mouth. A couple of nasty asses. 1 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Simpler Times may be a fake beer of some sort or another, but they do a snazzy job of selling the angle fully, with dull old school colors and an almost goofy cursive font, plus little hops doodads accentuating the edges, really, if someone gave me a budget and was like, "Hey Raven, make a beer can," I would be stoked if this is what I ended up with. 5 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Simpler Times be claiming to be made by Minhas Craft Brewery, Monroe, Wisconsin, since 1845, but I would imagine if I googled that nonsense up, there'd be no long history of such a thing even existing. Which means the Simpler Times corporate master is a front company, so perhaps they also traffic in white slaves and stolen cell phones as well. Although, from Wisconsin, hearkening back to "simpler times", perhaps they kick it chill, and aren't degenerate organized criminals. The Minhas grandkids probably skip around old tractors, gathering up wrassleberries for canning jams on a Sunday afternoon with their MeeMaw, eating snacks of fresh goat cheese on baked crackers, while that stupid Prairie Home Companion plays on the radio dial. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: These are no longer Simpler Times at all, but if it boils down to drinking a shitty tasting beer in a funny retro can that I get for cheap from the same place I use my food stamps to buy a bunch of packages of organic frozen corn because for some reason all my children have been raised to think a plastic coffee cup half full of frozen corn is the best, sweetest snack food on earth. Of course, I immediately recognize the irony in the fact those types of Trader Joe's stores are usually in the suburban choke parts just at the periphery of the brightest pink light pollutions as seen from outer spaces. But it's hard to figure if Simpler Times are simpler like "Simple Man" lyrics suggest, or simpler like we find a way to sit under that light pollution in the far corner of the Best Buy parking lot drinking a couple beers while listening to satellite radio. 4 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 4 & 3/5 STARS!