NFL WEEK 18: Wild Card Weekend

The NFL capped off an interesting year of their professional variety of the American football egg game with a lackluster week 17 that was uneventful as fuck. Like seriously, it was the one week of the year where both CBS and Fox had a doubleheader, but even in the few games that mattered, it still seemed lethargic and boring. Too much was already decided. And they want to boost it to 18 games, to make a few more weeks of uneventful football to push up home game revenues? Fuck that noise. But the playoffs are set, and next weekend means two great things for football fans - the start of one and done pro football, and the last weekend of the year we have to fucking listen to that godawful booth team of Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth. They, more than anybody, make me wish satellite radio didn't have the ten second delay behind the television rays. Anyways, here are the eight teams playing this weekend in wild card games...

#1: DALLAS COWBOYS (11-5, 4th overall) - Coach Wiggum finally whooped them boys into December shape. Now he can get r dun in January. Except Tony Romo, forever the employee of the month runner-up, already has an achey breaky back to use an excuse for flubbing up this coming week like he did the last playoff games Dallas had, the last few times. Tony Romo has still never won a playoff game, and the fact the Cowboys didn't fuck themselves up in December was like they cleared a new hurdle in life and don't have to try real hard to feel successful at the end of this season.

#2: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (11-5, 5th overall) - The Eagles seem to enjoy being the underdog, on the road, expected to lose. It's like Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb don't like to be the favorites for fear of fucking it up. Or maybe they don't want to play in front of their own Philly asshole fans, because it sure seemed like they didn't give a fuck last weekend at Dallas. Maybe they wanted an extra week away in a five-star hotel, to chill in the (relatively) warmer climate, even though the Arctic blast is on nationwide right now. Whatever it is, don't let last weekend fool you... I would be shocked if the Cowboys beat the Eagles again this week. As bad as the Eagle defense has gotten, their offense is like an Arena League team in the vein of the '99 Rams Greatest Show on Turf. They could backdoor their way into another Super Bowl if bitches ain't careful.

#3: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (10-6, 7th overall) - Wes Welker's double ligament blowout is a devastating loss to the Patriots, and might affect next year heavily having happened so late in the season, and ruins any hopes of playoff successes they might have entertained. Lucky for them all they have to do this week is play the New York Jets. Oh wait, they play the Ravens. Hahahaha. Brady's window shuts another inch.

#4: GREEN BAY PACKERS (11-5, 8th overall) - Last weekend's Packers/Cardinals game was a joke, but you know, the Packers defense has developed into a well-rounded monster, with strong pass rushing, solid veteran secondary, monster linebackers that look like vikings, and they will disrupt some shit. On offense, they lack the line and an abundance of offensive threats, but with a solid ass young defense and Aaron Rodgers, who has looked seasoned as well as solid, this could be a team for the next few years to worry about, considering the Bears are swinging low and the Lions are the Lions and Brett Favre might have this year and that's it in the tank for the Vikings, and that's all their division rivals. As much as it would be a media shitstorm frenzy, I'd love to see the Pack and Eagles both win this weekend and set up a Favre/Packers showdown in the stupid NFL playoffs.

#5: BALTIMORE RAVENS (9-7, 9th overall) - We live around and know a bunch of oversensitive hippie new age types, so the only dude around my regular life that actually likes a football team senselessly is a friend who likes the Ravens, actually the dude I bought my pigs off of, so I like to root for the Ravens just to see him happy. Plus, who doesn't hate the Patriots? Both Ed Reed and Randy Moss look like not-very-well-raised black dudes who have far too much money for their own good. Yet Ed Reed looks like a happy assed motherfucker who knows how to cook a whole pig inside a trash can (or more likely crabs up there in Charm City), while Randy Moss looks like a moody motherfucker for whom the allure of white pussy has long since faded, leaving nothing but an angry and unhappy man for whom nothing is good enough. Not the millions, not the touchdowns, not the screams of adoring children. Nothing. It would be nice to see Reed just lay Moss's cornrowed ass out one time, in the snow, a rumpshaker of a hit, just to see Randy Moss grow alligator arms for the rest of the game and be all pouty and moody during the final minutes on the sideline.

#6: CINCINNATI BENGALS (10-6, 11th overall) - The Bengals will unleash their full fur this coming week, against the most undeserving playoff team of recent memory in the Jets, meaning the Bengals will actually win a playoff game. The Cincinnati Bengals will win a playoff game. Unless of course Carson Palmer gets kneecapitated in the first series like a few years back against the Steelers. I think they could still win without him, at least against the Jets.

#7: ARIZONA CARDINALS (10-6, 12th overall) - Last year the Cardinals snuck through because no one really expected them to do shit. This year, again no one expects them to do shit, but nobody's gonna give them the benefit of a slack approach. Kurt Warner's god will fail him, I am sure of this. But if somehow the Cards and the Eagles make it to the NFC Championship game again, and it is a rematch of last year, and they win to go to the Super Bowl again, I will accept Jesus as my whatever the fuck he's supposed to be. So Kurt Warner, my soul is in your hands, if your wacky mythology is correct. You can save me like an African AIDS baby.

#8: NEW YORK JETS (9-7, 17th overall) - The Jets suck and shouldn't be in the playoffs. Mike Greenberg is fucking stupid and Rex Ryan is a fat ass. Mark Sanchez is one of those white Mexicans that gets all the pussy in the world and I hate him.