NFL WEEK 19: Divisional Playoffs

I am the least excited about NFL playoffs than I can remember being in most of my adult life. I just don't care about, and actively dislike most of the teams left playing. Part of this could be the fact my team is the Washington Redskins and I am a well-bred playa hater because the Redskins suck so badly (although we are well on our way to another off-season Super Bowl with the hire of Mike Shanahan!). But at the same time, there's not a lot to like about many of the remaining teams. Shitty personalities and overhyped superstars and teams that were unstoppable five weeks ago that looked pretty normally mediocre as the season wound down. Oh well. I will watch, because I am an American, and it is my duty to love football, passionately, so that the rest of the World will not understand me even more...

#1: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (13-3, 1st overall) - When the Chargers were up-and-coming young team full of skill position players galore and a wacky yet brutish defense with that guy that got busted for selling prescription cough syrup on their secondary (who I've always pretended was Quentin Jammer ever since, even though I know it's not, but every time I see Quentin Jammer, I smile and go, "That dude loves listening to DJ Screw"; but then Shawne Merrimanne will jump in the screen and I'll frown and go, "That dude loves exploring himself fully in a sexual way while hanging out with the longhaired Indian looking dude from Black Eyed Peas"). But somewhere along the way, and I think it was the overuse of the powder blue jerseys, or it might just be the fact I hate Norv Turner like Tennessee people hate Lane Kiffin, but for different reasons though just as passionately, but I just don't like the Chargers. Sad thing is there's a good chance they'll play the Colts in the AFC Championship game, and I hate the Colts worse than everybody in football except for the Cowboys. Actually this year's playoffs is like a giant parade of Teams Raven Hates. I should really get satellite TV now that I have a job again and just start watching hockey.

#2: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (13-3, 2nd overall) - I think their last few weeks was just smoke and mirror laziness, and their offense will turn it back on pretty easily about halfway through this weekend's game against the Cardinals. Perhaps this will be out of necessity, because I don't think defenses can just turn it on or off as easily, far more rhythm oriented than people understand, especially with a blitz from nine angles attack like Gregggg Williams uses for the Saints. The Cardinals/Saints game could end up being even more high-scoring than the Cardinals/Packers one. That would be fun to watch. I missed most of the Cards/Pack game, and caught the overtime ending at the stupid laundromat drying our clothes since our dryer is still broke. (Should probably buy a new heater coil being I have a job again as well.) The laundromat on a Sunday night is a vast wasteland of bi-racial mongoloids and people of low mental aptitude with eyeballs slid too far apart like a rhesus monkey lab experiment on fetal alcohol syndrome.

#3: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (14-2, 3rd overall) - Yeah, according to my mathematically brilliant season-long scoring system, the Colts are only ranked 3rd overall in the NFL. I know everybody is all like, "This is the team to beat. Peyton Manning is the greatest QB you will ever see in your life even if they cryogenically freeze you and you come back in 200 years and your job is to watch every football game ever played with the eyes of someone who was alive back around the year 2000 when the game was considered more brutal and repugnant and caveman-like." Fuck Peyton Manning. And the Colts have ugly uniforms.

#4: DALLAS COWBOYS (12-5, 4th overall) - Oh man, Cowboys bring the hatred. I have a friend who is a classic cynical Philly-style Eagles fan, and in the last couple weeks, though our team allegiances are natural enemies, we have bonded strongly in our mutual distaste for the media hype machine being slowly cranked up for this Dallas Cowboy team, since they finally won a playoff game. The simple fact of the matter is it is still the Cowboys team coached by Wade Wiggum (a retard coach, so strike one), quarterbacked by Tony Romo (a closeted homosexual QB of middling talent, who wishes Jason Witten sang like Carrie Underwood, or that Carrie Underwood had an ass like Jason Witten, one or the other), and owned by Jerry Jones (who should be proud of himself because with Dan Snyder's recent forays into running blind circles, and Al Davis not dead, he's technically only the 3rd worst owner in the NFL). But the more complex fact of the matter is the NFL this time of year is pre-engineered like a Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Rock Wrestlemania bout, so things happen for a reason. And the Dallas Cowboys are a great storied franchise that can get hyped up at the right time, as the Vikings and Saints start to ebb backwards into a late season low tide, and such a great and storied franchise would make for a great Super Bowl losing opponent to Peyton's Colts, to make it seem like Peyton's won like 5 Super Bowls instead of just the one, as you flash through history and see all the Cowboy victories, and then those exact same uniforms losing to Peyton and the Colts. Really, I fully expect the Cowboys to go to the Super Bowl and lose to the Colts because I fully believe the league is crooked as fuck and fixed, not choreographed but fixed, and this will make Peyton Manning seem more God-like, which is the goal, as Tom Brady's knee did not stand the test of this season and the NFL figurehead superstar slot needs to be replaced, and without the same model good looks and charming smile, Peyton's gonna need to seem like the best QB ever forever plus two years to be the ultimate superstar.

#5: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (12-4, 6th overall) - Ol' Farvey and his new pack of schoolyard ballmates get to host the stupid Dallas Cowboys this weekend, in what should probably break down like this. First half is competitive, but not too exciting, more of a build-up than anything. Second half, early on, Farvey is hurt on a few rough sacks or near sacks, but plays on. This refers back to the previously established Farve/Childress stay in the game storyline. Then Farvey throws a few errant passes, makes a halfway comeback, almost there, but then an interception kills the tying drive in the closing minutes. This creates a good Super QB in the Big Game rub for Tony Romo, and the injured but refuses to quit angle plays well with Farvey's Ol' Gunslinger personna. Then he goes into mulling retirement mode until the first week of September.

#6: BALTIMORE RAVENS (10-7, 7th overall) - The Ravens are the only team left that I feel I can root for, and I don't necessarily like them in a franchise sense, with ugly uniforms and stoling my go-by name. But a friend is a Ravens fan, and I enjoy their style, at times, and Ed Reed's bushy Grady Jr. if Sanford & Son still existed beard fills my heart with joy. And really, their game with the Colts is gonna be made or broken by whether their defense can play up to the game, beyond the common sports media meme of "this Ravens defense is not as good as it usually is" and they can make some plays. Wouldn't it be awesome to see Ray Lewis piledrive Peyton Manning into the turf and he's out for the game and Jim Corgi or Ralph Blyleven or whoever the fuck finishes the season for the Colts? And man oh man, if ever there was a black dude who was more thankful for the whiteboy who worked for him than Jim Caldwell, I'd like to meet that black dude. Well, not really, because he'd probably be a dickhead capitalist fuckface managerial type black dude who felt he had come up in life by exploiting the talents and efforts of others who were below him on some sort of arbitrary chain of power chart.

#7: ARIZONA CARDINALS (11-6, 9th overall) - Usually I would root completely against Kurt Warner because of his whole Jesus Concussion thing, but I didn't when they were playing the Packers. And watching the game I realized what it was... Aaron Rodgers, with his dark sunken eyes and blank expression, looks 95% facial matching technology like my youngest sister's old crackhead boyfriend who wrecked their car on purpose, almost killed my sister, and went to jail for being a complete punk ass piece of shit. So as much as I hate fake ass Christian do-gooder asshole types, I hate crackheads who fuck up a few years of my sister's life even more. I'm not sure if that means I get into Heaven or Hell, so I guess I'm lucky neither of them even exist.

#8: NEW YORK JETS (10-7, 11th overall) - As much as I hate the San Diego Chargers, I don't much care for the New York Jets. It pisses me off a fat fuck loudmouth and loveable asshole coach like Rex Ryan is being wasted up in New Jersey. He'd be a much better fit in one of the North division teams, or better yet as the new coach of Tennessee. In fact, Rex Ryan is tailor made for the SEC, and his monstrous defense doing battle with Urban Meyer's finesse offense would be a tasty Saturday afternoon treat for years to come. Instead he coaches the stupid Jets, who hope Mark Sanchez doesn't get distracted by pussy so much he throws five interceptions and loses the game.