Regia Extra

AFFORDABILITY: This was a big quart or forty bottle from the fancy Wegman's up near Gainesville in soulless northern VA we stopped at on the way home from our friends' corn maze early November. Wegman's is the greatest grocery store ever, we realized when stopping at one in Scranton, Pennsylvania by chance, where they have wonderful varieties of magical sausages at the deli, and ridiculous beer choices (where beer is available, like not in Pennsylvania, stupid state liquor laws). Regia Extra is a Salvadoran beer, and after my family went to Costa Rica and all I got was a lousy Imperial t-shirt (plus an Imperial 40), I always try to get weird central American forties, which has been only once, at Wegman's, when I got this Regia Extra. I don't remember how much it cost, but if I've only spent $4 on central American forties in the past five years, that's pretty fucking cheap. Plus, in northern VA, I can pretend MS-13 members are carpooling to the fancy Wegman's out where the white folks live to buy up some authentic Regia Extras for their favorite tio on his birthday. That types of thing makes me happy to be American in 2009. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: I drank this big bulky bottle of Central American beer and it made me feel hefty and awesome. It made me wish I had about four more big bulky bottles of Central American beer. Basically, I primed the bulb and was ready to get fired up, but the stupid Wegman's was long gone in the rear view mirror by this point. 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Granted, I've only seen two of them in my real life, but Central American beers have a great sense of wall mural ready label aesthetics. Regia Extra kicks this flavor strongly, and I would gladly wear a black t-shirt with its insignia on the front, at least until a lot of people knew what it was all about, or after one too many stupid fucks were like, "Oh man, Regia Extra, I was backpacking through El Salvador doing volunteer work for the handicapped spider monkeys that were given traumatic brain injuries by Reagan's Death Squads for fun back in the '80s. I LOOOOOVEEEE Regia." 4 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: I'm sure Regia Extra is owned and operated by fine and decent upstanding folks, mostly because I lost the bottle in the snow outside and I don't feel like looking inside the internets for the information because you can't really trust the internets anyways. It is somewhat disconcerting that we mostly use Google for our information seeking nowadays, but Google is a for profit corporation, like we are willingly stepping into the Braven New 1984 Fahrenheit or some bullshit. My cell phone has been disconnected for like two months now because I ain't got no money, and honestly, it's been quite refreshing to ride around and not have the stupid constant cybertron contraction device in hand, just waiting to bombard my privacy with shrill and worrisome alerts that someone wants to waste a couple minutes of my life. Life is precious, and short, and not to be cluttered with electronic carcinogens. I would bet the fine corporate leaders behind Regia Extra, probably with a waxed mustache mots of them, understand this completely. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: The Regia Extra is "extra" because it comes in a big thick bottle and make me feel like travel time is in order. Big thick quart bottles are highly underrated by bullshit uber elite beers. Metal signs nailed into windows with roofing nails, because big thick bottles busted out the panes. Metal signs talking of beer in bright colors with slanted letters, and inside the establishment, slanted people talk in big stories, and if the crowd becomes too thick and too regular to where they know each other too well, then new stories are made, sometimes violently, more often comedically, because people would rather laugh than bleed, and if they do bleed, it's better to laugh about it than die about it. What I'm saying is the Regia should be a bigger, thicker part of my life, not some fucking random quart bottle I bought at the ginormous Wegman's with the choo choo train riding around the top of the store up in soulless megavoid Northern Virginia. 4 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 4 STARS!