It's been a long while since I watched the end of this season three of The Ultimate Fighter, and I went about halfway through season four, and then bailed on the project, knocking it all way down my Netflix queue. It ruined MMA for me. First off, this season three was a motley collection of the most stereotypical weak-brained tribal tattooed bar bouncing fake bad asses that you could ever ask for. It perpetuated everything I hate about MMA. Secondly, Dana White never did anything different, but I think I hit the Dana White overload mode, to where he wasn't this genuine blue jeans and t-shirt corporate head, like Mark Cuban with attitude, and he just ended up seeming like a fucking douchebag who can get away with sayin whatever because he controls the purse strings on a bunch of dudes who could kick your ass. Frankly, it became apparent that Dana White fucking sucked, to be honest. They should've cycled him out and had somebody else host the show, even though it's Dana White who makes the decisions. He just seems like a guy trying too hard for you to notice what a straight shooter he is, how cool he is with the boys. It comes across as fake and postured and I'm sure he's making bazillions off these guys and screwing their wives when they're training in Iowa or Minnesota or Brazil or wherever the latest flavor of the month fighting style is headquartered at. Nonetheless, I did actually trudge all the way through Season Three, so here are my top 14 from that one, being the most notable 14 people for me personally, ranked from straight up chillest bro type to biggest douchebag type. No Dana White either. I just didn't even bother including him in the list, because that'd probably be what he wants, even if I talked about what a slimy snake he is.
#1: Ross Pointon - This was the little goofy limey fucker who just liked to fight and ended up taking the heavier weight class open spot just because why not? That dude was awesome, and should I become famous, my security personnel will be three dudes EXACTLY like Ross Pointon - usually drunken, always ready for trouble, with a goofy smile on their face at all times, and enthusiastic as fuck about anything I could tell them to do, no matter how impossible.
#2: Michael Bisping - The other limey fucker, and it is obvious I am part of the viewer reaction process that caused them to have a stupid America vs. England year of this show. Michael Bisping not only seemed like a chill ass dude, but his Rocky going to Russia to fight Drago training techniques were quite inspiring too. Bisping is one of those rare MMA bitches that actually seems like he might be able to hang out all evening, playing some cards, watching the game on TV, and not be a jack ass about mixed martial artistry every twelve minutes, like most of those dudes are, whether famous or shitty little local cokehead guy taking Gracie jiujitsu at a garage two blocks off Broad Street.
#3: Ed Herman - In lieu of dudes who actually seem chill, I will always pull for the relentless retarded brained drunken and overly-emotional redheaded dude. That was Ed Herman this season of the show, and very much like the Chris Leben dude from the first season, just, if at all possible, filled with even more hollowpoint bullet-like intensity. I hope Ed Herman has made many children with many women from his time on the television screens.
#4: Saul Soliz - He was just one of the coaches on the show, but honestly, that's how shitty this Season Three cast was. Saul seemed like a solid dude who told you the truth, even if it sucked, and he gave the show a bit of even-keeled coaching, as opposed to the odd style of bighead Tito Ortiz and the no style of stupid Ken Shamrock.
#5: Mike Nickels - Honestly, a few months later, I don't remember why I wrote Mike Nickels down as number five. I know he was one of those tattooed rock star bodyguard tribal MMA homos on this season, but I think he was the one with the wacky neck tattoos who seemed like an old friend of mine I used to get fucked up with all the time. Nickels maybe did something toward the end of his run that I was like, "Oh yeah, that dude's a lounger." Something had to have happened, but in a sign of a truly great reality television show, I have no memory of what that could've been.
#6: Tito Ortiz - Really, amazingly enough, before watching this season of TUF, I couldn't stand Tito Ortiz. His giant knoggin combined with marrying nasty ass Jenna Jameson, who looks like a female skeletor with big tittie bags now, kinda creeped me out. But by the end of this season's DVDs, I didn't really hate him anymore. I didn't love him, but I could tolerate him, because he seemed sincere, and not like he was just a balloonhead of indeterminate racial make-up trying too hard to seem cool, like a Dana White Jr.
#7: Kendall Grove - Nothing really bad about the wiry Kendall, other than he was just kinda there. He and that black dude had that stupid "DAGGER!" thing they did, but that seemed more like the stupid black dude's thing that Kendall Grove went along with. I don't know, he was just so quiet, and he wore that Hannibal Lechler mask when he came out for fights in the training center in front of like 13 people, which seemed odd to me as well.
#8: Kalib Starnes - I used to frame houses with a dude just like this. JUST LIKE THIS. It was so weird because I knew he was gonna complain about the coaching, and I knew back home he had a Japanese motorcycle with an airbrushed gas tank and matching helmet. I knew it. I knew he wasn't gonna win because something always goes wrong for dudes like that. They might hit a wild turkey on their motorcycle or they'll fall in love with a crazy chick who already has four kids by some Mexican guys or they'll get some sort of infection from a tattoo they got in a dilapidated industrial city about two hours from where they actually live. Doomed from the start.
#9: Tait Fletcher - This was the shaved head sculpted facial hair ginormous tool guy that was a wannabe rock star bodyguard. It was too easy to imagine him telling Tommy Lee that a rap album was a good idea to enjoy anything he did. I actually bet dudes like Tait Fletcher think Mickey Avalon is a good thing. Ugh.
#10: Matt Hamil - The big burly deaf guy is Matt Hamil. Deaf people are boring when they are really good at something, like grappling. Deaf people tend to be more enjoyable when they are full of frustration and unsatisfied lifelong desires and an inability to interact with others very well, partially out of their handicap but partially out of a deep psychological cocoon they've built for themselves as a defense mechanism against the evil taunts of other children. Successful deaf people are really creepy, and lack personality.
#11: Jesse Forbes - He reminded me of somebody who was friends with an old roommate of mine. I actually thought it might be the same guy, but they never said if Jesse Forbes washed dishes in Atlanta or not. An idiotic teenager's mind in a grown dude's body, skilled in the art of fightboxing - all of that is a terribly annoying formula, and that's exactly what stupid Jesse Forbes was.
#12: Josh Haynes - I didn't like him not because he was chubby but because he was stupid, carrying around a picture of his stupid son for motivation, and looking like the type of chump ass dude who has never drank a beer or done a drug in their life but is still naturally stupid so follows all the rules in life, not out of fear like most normal people do after getting busted one or two times too many, but out of stupid, meaning all he can do with his life is be a cop or a firefighter. I mean, I guess I'm glad the rest of us get the public service, but damn, it's always ignorant ass white guys doing it.
#13: Ken Shamrock - Shamrock came across as such a raging dumbass in this season of The Ultimate Fighter. And the strange thing was, just as he seemed completely clueless, he could somehow key into an aspect of the ongoing saga, you'd think maybe he had a slight clue, and then he'd blow it up and seem even stupider than before. Ken Shamrock is a pretty good argument for eugenics actually.
#14: Rory Singer - Up to this point in my The Ultimate Fighter watching, I would have to put Rory Singer as the least likeable piece of shit ever on this show. I was amazed when in retrospect wikipedia knowledge, I found out he trained with and was homeboys with Forrest Griffin, who has been the coolest dude on this show up to this point (through three seasons). How could that be? How could a goofy oddball be best pals with a whiny jewish guy who perpetuates all the annoying aspects of being a jewish guy? It confused me to no end.
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