AFFORDABILITY: Part of the holiday sampler party pack supreme, so it has affordable pricing written all over it. I'm sure though, what with Samuel Adams inflated sense of they selves, if it came in individual 6-packs, it'd be more than I'd care to spend on a simple man's minded six-pack. I don't trust Samuel Adams after that whole White House picnic table beer meeting between the overly insensitive racist Irish cop and the overly sensitive racist black professor guy at the Obamas when Congressmen were lobbying for the black dude to drink a Sam Adams of one sort or another. Obama was doomed when something simple like having some arguing ass dudes over to sit down with a beer and talk it out turns into something where people not even involved firsthand turn it into reasons to get this or that involved in the photo op and how anything less would be uncapitalized. Our government just doesn't work anymore; it proves it time and time again. You want change? Set something on fire. When the woods get too much viney undergrowth going on, choking out trees from the freedom to grow tall, fire comes along, burns up everything, and it grows fresh and beautiful again. Yeah motherfucker. 3 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: My wife was under the initial impression that Cranberry Lambic was some good stuff, but upon tasting this bottle of stopped up toilet water, she rethunk that maybe it was the Cherry Wheat flavor. Cranberry Lambic may be the actual worst fucking beer I ever tasted in my whole life. Crude malt liquors are at least tasteless for the most part, but this went beyond tasteless headache medicine to just disgusting. Seriously, I wouldn't drink another of these ever, even for free, but probably if you paid me, because I've got bills. Lots of bills. 0 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: All Samuel Adams bottle labels just make me think of Family Guy, but even more so when it's Cranberry Lambic, which sounds like some made up shit that would be funny to a Family Guy writer. The labels on Sam Adams don't vary too far off the main style, which I always think is a ripoff. If sports teams make a killing on throwback and alternate jerseys, and the people who like that shit drink lots of beer, and you're already having to pay for a separate label, why don't they go big and make up some outlandishly noticeable awesome label with the Sam Adams guy still in there, but like an anime pornbot cartoonization of himself? I mean, come one, it ain't 1954 anymore. The whole branding thing doesn't work the same way it did on Mad Men. By the way, everybody who ever recommended that to me, you are a fool. That show sucks, is slow and boring and stupid, and sucks, and you suck for liking it. Stop being so goddamned white all the time. 0 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Samuel Adams owned slaves. This corporation is a true descendant of that, and though they are no clothing apparel company that buys Lots of southeast Asian children and picks out the best looking ones to market in the sex industry and uses the lucky ugly ones to crank out high-quality t-shirts at low-impact prices, without passing that savings on to you so much as boosting their bottom line, I would still bet Samuel Adams, were he alive, would flavor a vat of beer with three drops of blood of an Irishman or Negro or something. Hopefully they stopped doing that for real, but you can't tell with this megalopolous corporations. ("Megalopolous" is not actually a word, but I think it should be, referring to things too large to control by manmade law that, in return, make large economic gains of intangible wealth, at the expense of tangible men.) 1 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: This was a terrible beer. Absolutely horrible. I drank it on a December Saturday afternoon and it took away my holiday spirit even more than poverty and unemployment did that day. I would not even give this beer to a workplace enemy as a passive aggressive honoring of a secret Santa obligation. It's that bad. 0 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 4/5 STARS!
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