Samuel Adams Winter Lager

AFFORDABILITY: It is winter and Samuel Adams, like anybody that is not a body but a corporation, is trying to conquer the collapsing economy with budget 12-packs. Thusly, affordable. Of course this is relatively speaking, because really, for a 12-pack of this, I could've bought a case of Miller. But Miller would cause my head to revolt the next day like Liberian child soldiers. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Just like snow, if you keep adding enough of it, everything slows down to a crawl. Then if you add even more, you get to sleep in late tomorrow morning. 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: I am bored with Samuel Adams. Immensely. Everything about them is starting to seem stupid to me, and I may never drink them again, with again meaning nine months or so. Sampler packs can be blessings or banes, and the Sam Adams winter variety seems to be a bane. I think it's because the different brands could use a little more individual personality. I mean, we all know that all this shit comes out the same pipes at the beer factory, so at least make the labels very obviously different to make us feel like our life is actually getting a little bit of that proverbial variety spice. 1 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Living history re-enactors are the best. Being both living history and pornography tend to employ people with limited acting abilities who become, for better or worse, completely immersed in their work, it just makes sense the two things should be crossed. Why does no one make good quality intellectual porn? Living history porn would be the biggest thing ever, because most everybody in America is secretly a pervert of some sort, but not an outright crazy pervert like the lackluster porn industry caters to. They need to aim higher, go for that Jaguar money. Samuel L. Adams was a historical figure, and since I’ve talked about this stupid company far too much already because I bought a winter sampler pack and ended up reviewing all the beers, I am using the living history porn idea to take the place of their corporate write-up. If you are a pornographer and end up making living history porn after getting this brilliant idea from me, all I ask is that you send me complimentary copies of your films. Feel free to hire me on as a story consultant as well. I know you don’t actually pay people for that type of thing, but shit man, who pays for anything anywhere nowadays anyways? Just send me some old DVDs that I can in turn sell at the flea market for gas money. I’ve always wanted to be a flea market porn movie salesman, at least for a day, just to see who opens the “ADULT ONLY” plastic bins to thumb around in there. 1 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Well, wintertime is a time to appreciate living like a New Englander in the regular old middle South, and I can appreciate it with their fool ass yankee beers as well, although I'd much rather have some for-real gangsta ass microbrews that crusty punks and minor league hockey thugs alike can get down with. Samuel Adams seems like fake bourgoisie beer to me, like the piece of shit white trash dude who manages a cell phone store and wears button down shirts over his tribal tattoos and times his haircuts and shavings with his week of vacation so that the second weekend of his full week off he looks like Seth Rogen, if only for a couple of days, before getting it tightened back up late afternoon on Sunday, then back to work. That guy drinks mad Samuel Adams, and has an untrustable smile. 1 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 2 & 1/5 STARS!