Corona Light

AFFORDABILITY: I would not normally buy Corona in cans because it is highly expensive, and plus I don't have satellite television to brainwash myself during ogling the Apache family on lucha libre into thinking Corona is the bestest beer imaginable. But at the store on the way home, they had tall cans of Corona Light for half price (still more than a tallboy of PBR though), and we were sorta broke but I had given blood, so it all made sense. It’s weird though, because if you are slumming down from a microbrew bottle, the $1.89 price tag seems affordable as fuck. But when you’re moving up from the aforementioned PBR or Miller tall can, usually right around a dollar apiece, then you’re almost doubling your price. And is Corona Light really double as good as PBR or Miller? I mean, there are the logistics of having it imported I guess, but still. This conundrum leaves me not sure if I got a good deal or I got ripped off or I am just a retarded ass white dude who thinks too much about dumb shit. 3 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Corona Light, much like Corona, if you drink hard enough will inebriate you. But there is something inherently skunky about it, and it doesn’t seem to work as well when there’s a high humidity in the air. Luckily for me, it was dry, and I had just given blood, so a couple tall cans caused the couch to reach up and grab me down into the cushions while watching The Office reruns, hoping to stay awake until Family Guy came on. But once you dangle the left leg and then tuck the right foot up under the couch cushions to where it’s all cool inside the back crack, it’s over bro. You are down for the count and you’ll wake up at like 3 in the morning with the bullshit overnight TV news in the background and a kink in your neck, pissed because you’ll only get three hours of regular bed sleep before you have to get up and start another day. 2 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: A tall can of Corona Light is nothing special, shiny and silver with that unmistakeable Corona logo but with a Light takced on with it. Seems odd that diet sodas are considered not manly yet a light beer is no problem. I know we are an obese ass nation of fuckfaces and could stand to lose a lot of dead weight, both as individuals and good lord yes collectively. But what happened to the proud beer belly, which is a round and solid buddha-like object of pride, not the flabby Little Debbie speckled goo blob that we’ve become famous for? Fuck a Corona Light, and all light beers, although it being Corona does make me think of watching lucha libre on the satellite television, and it being a light beer makes me think it would be more appropriate for women, which when combined with the lucha thing makes me think of Faby Apache. Mmm... Faby Apache. If someone can send me a youtube clip of Super Porky endorsing Corona Light on some wacked out local television commercial, then I might change this grade, but mostly I never change anything because this is a fucking blog stamped into the cyberworld as is, fuck editing. Editing is for assholes who get paid to write. 0 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Why can't corporations be fun evil like Mexican drug cartels? Like if Corona employed an army of Mexican midgets (most of which just have handicaps due to environmental poisoning by the company itself) to dig tunnels miles into America as a contractor for the drug cartels, that'd be awesome. But no, all they do is sell a bunch of their shitty beer and pay for expensive commercials where white people sit in beach chairs and do understated things to show how relaxed they are and all the brainless fat asses around me start to think about Kenny Chesney and how long it's been since they've been to Myrtle Beach, and Corona profits go through the roof and it becomes nearly impossible for me to find a halfway decent sized lime for my lemon cayenne pepper cleanse which I use more limes than lemons because well just because. As much as I used to in high school think Corona was a great alternative choice of getting drunk, at this point in my life it's nothing but the Mexican Budweiser. They should sponsor Juan Pablo Montoya. 1 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Corona Light is the perfect upwardly aimed white people beer. It is a fake vacation beer, yet light so that you don’t ruin your perfect skeletal remains of wild sexuality. Just thinking about people in their CLS/GLK/CS/R-Classes or whatever odd numbered engine starter BMW they have, hustling around amongst snake community commitments, and unwinding with this fool drink as they unbutton their shackle-master vests, it makes me sick. I might not ever buy a fucking Corona Light again, and although yeah yeah yeah I know salt of the Earth Mexicans love Corona, they are not the driving force behind this shit in America. In fact, they are a demographic that doesn’t get targeted so much as assumed, and their gringo diablo jefes sucking it down at a poolside retreat is the real bullseye here. If only it were a real bullseye, meaning real like something’s about to shoot, though I guess a for-real real bullseye is an actual bull’s eye... did people used to shoot at those things or do bull’s just have super-chronic vision? 0 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 1 & 1/5 STARS!