(7s) Fred Durst List #7 - Dana White

Dana White is a complete fucking fool, and it makes perfect sense that MMA is sheltered inside the madness of Las Vegas, where such a personality can be comped and propped up by sycophantic tip seekers and visiting hicks in awe of seeing someone from the TVs. A very obvious attention whore who has made himself a bigger star than the guys who actually shorten their lifespans for this new-fangled MMA sport, which - and I say this completely as a compliment - is brutal as fuck and hardly a testament to athletic superiority so much as aggressive dominance. Dana is one of those fortysomething white dudes who came up on hip hop and is really serious about his hard-to-take serious emtity, who uses rap lingo and wears t-shirts that look fucking stupid. (Actually, MMA is a terrible trendsetter for hideous t-shirts, sort of morphing together the over-sponsorship of Nascar with graphic designers who are apparently all ICP fans to one degree or another.)
The thing that bothers me about Dana White most of all, other than him looking like a giant walking penis, is how he acts like this indignant protector of the true honor of mixed martial artistry. The fact of the matter is UFC is the only main game in town anymore in that field, and they set the pay scale for dudes. And when you see the amount of purse money given to dudes, you are like, "Whoa, these dudes are paid like a motherfucker, they have no right to complain." But they also have to pay for all that other shit - the training, the retarded supplements, the bad tattoos - that go along with getting to that spot. And the dudes winning the opening matches, they really ain't making shit to speak of when you figure they only get a few fights a year, and are allowing themselves to have their bones tweaked and brains pummelled. But then when an Anderson Silva acts a fool, or Brock Lesnar says some stupid shit after a fight, Dana White acts all insulted, like guys who are basically beating on each other and twisting at each other's joints until somebody quits or is broken or blacks out are supposed to be gentlemenly nobility, and wear fucking monocles and have cups of tea and speak in polysyllabic words as much as possible. What the fuck man? Fucking shut up.
I actually just got the first disc of season five of The Ultimate Fighter, having took a long ass break since I watched season four, because I started to get convinced that Dana White's whole "you have to realize the opportunity you're being given here" combined with ring girls with weird shaped butts in those really strange UFC go-go shorts that no one could fuck, and the general no female contact attitude combined with grappling on mats with partially exposed men, it just seemed like a really elaborate way to turn alpha males into gay men to me, and accelerate the demise of the human race. Or it could be Dana White's way to narrow down the field of recipients for MMA groupie action so that he gets his pick of the whore every event (which happens like every five days it seems nowadays). Although, it would not surprise me at all, probably in another ten years when he's older and his creepiness is less guarded, that Dana White would be caught up in a gay sex for UFC positioning scandal. He has those sketchy, shady eyes of a closeted pervert. (This is not to say gay people are naturally perverts, but to use your power for gay favors or non-gay favors is a perversion, and when you are a weird shaved-head to hide the balding pattern dude with a weasel face who is fucking big, HGH-ed up mongoloids who love Jesus and popping elbows out of their socket, then yeah, that's fucking perverted.)
It is hard to actually feel like once I'm famous I could smash people with bottles, because I don't actually keep that much hate inside of my twisted little heart. So with my "one chunk at a time" blog writing style, it took me a couple months to actually put together this seven-list, so a lot of it's probably no longer relevant, either to pop culture, or even my own personal animosity. But I can say, looking back across these seven dudes, I'd most likely at some point in any given month want to smash them with an empty forty bottle. Dana White though, man, he'd annoy me far more often than that though, as he's always popping up in his pseudo-hip fashion on the internet or talk shows or whatever, and reminding me of what a little Napoleon complexed out bitch he is.