Fat Weasel Ale

AFFORDABILITY: Fat Weasel Ale was part of the odd selection of pretend beers at Trader Joe's. Actually, I made my 11-year-old kid pick for me between the Fat Weasel and the Black Toad something or other. She chose Fat Weasel, and I can't fault her for that. The beer wasn't that expensive, plus we got a giant bottle of Grade B maple syrup, and I was super-stoked to see they actually had the crystallized non-sweetened ginger pieces again, because the baby (who is truthfully a toddler) has not been down with the lack of ginger. But what can you do when distributors change their system and stupid fake health food stores in fucking soul suck Short Pump can't get it no more? Nothing. You just wait and hope your consumer product provider decides it's worth their time to go back to providing you with your stupid fucking fix. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: It destroyed, with authority. It were a slam dunk of my bloodstream into giddy feelings of fake euphorics. 5 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: There is a weasel in some sort of Hawaiian old person beach outfit, with a beer. And the label looks like a stamp. But the stamp can't mail anything except my sobriety the fuck away. It's no lazertits.com or anything, but it's okay I guess, especially considering I got it at the stupid Trader Joe's. 2 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: The Fat Weasel is brewed by a Steinhaus Brewing Company, some sort of squarehead operation based in New Ulm, Minnesota. I used to play the dirt track racing video game on my computer screen, but then the processor or something would get too hot whenever we played graphics intensive bullshit and crash out. Then it started doing it when I played bassy music through Itunes too much, like for more than four minutes (Yelawolf was killing it, literally), so I did some research and realized the hand-me-down computer I was handed me down upon had this as a standard problem. I looked up the internet solution to this problem, but the internet doesn’t solve as many problems as it causes, but using my super-scientific mind, I fixed the problem. I opened the computer and blew out all the dust, laid it back on the desk on its side so the airholes have full exposure, and then took an old oscillating fan and plugged it in and cut it on half-speed and leaned it against that bitch. Haven’t had one problem since then. In fact, Yelawolf’s “Box Chevy (Part 3)” is bumping right now, and that was what used to kill it kill it make the screen go black. And once it goes black, it don’t go back, until you let it cool down and do a scandisk on it right quick. Anyways, one of the tracks on the dirt track game was in New Ulm, Minnesota, and I’ve yet to test the video games with the new oscillating fan style with an actual game, so tonight might be the night. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: The Fat Weasel was a high alcohol cheap ass fake beer from Trader Joe’s. I had to ride through Short Pump to get it, but luckily that soulless type of trip was enjoyable because me and my oldest daughter were coming home from watching the CAA college basketball men’s semifinals, and enjoying ourselves right nicely even though VCU had lost and now stupid Larry Sanders will probably go into the NBA. My daughter had asked me whether she should knit Larry Sanders a basketball bag, and I had to break it to her that you can never tell with famous people, and the thing you spent a lot of time and care into making, they make think is stupid and not keep or maybe even throw away. It made me proud my 11-year-old daughter loves basketball and can enjoy it, yet still be sweet enough to think of knitting a basketball bag for her favorite player. We are doing good with our children, but they will be doomed once they realize the rest of the world is a giant piece of shit. Oh well. All you can do is what you do. She helped me pick Fat Weasel over some other bullshit fake animal beer though, and I will always remember that. Until I forget. 4 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 3 & 4/5 STARS!