Grolsch

AFFORDABILITY: Being from a house of homebrewing and herbal tincturing and Ethiopian honey t’ej making, I thoughted Grolsch only came in the cap top doohickey bottles with the rubber gaskets and all, but apparently they be making normal sized six-pack bottles of the pop top variety as well. It wasn’t back breaking moneywise, but for something that didn’t look like I expected it to look like, there’s a pre-judgement charge involved, so it cost the Grolsch its financial positioning. Plus, if you rock green bottles, you shouldn’t rock big white labels, but that’s for a later category I guess. Still, I didn’t feel proud with this on the checkout aisle conveyor belt, and if you can’t feel proud buying a beer, what the fuck are you doing with a dick, know what I’m saying? 1 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Grolsch was disgusting. Fucking disgusting. They should be ashamed of pretending to be a good beer, and probably no one would give a shit about them if they didn’t make those awesome pop top bottles that college age drunkards leave on their mantle like it’s a fine wine or some shit. 0 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Grolsch is stupid. Stupid label, stupid taste, and it looks like a softball jersey font. I would abandon the rest of this stupid Grolsch beer review, but I’m halfway into it already, so I’ll force myself to complain about Grolsch a little longer. Green is a great color though. 1 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: I think Grolsch is Germans or something, but I can't rightly care because the beer was not so, how you say, good. I don't know if Grolsch is German but I think I remember reading that, and usually anything that sucks that's definitely European I blame on the Germans when it doesn't sound French. 0 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Terrible. Worse than getting oral sex from what you think is a woman but find out is a man in that half second between feeling your orgasm about to happen and having it actually ejaculate. Not that I'm anti-gay. Is not liking trannies actually being anti-gay though? Man, this fucking modern world has too many blurry lines for my nearsighted moral vision. 1 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 3/5 STARS!