Dos Equis Lager Especial

AFFORDABILITY: Lately, there has been alternating weeks building up to the Cinco de Mayo fake white people holiday where various Gringo/Mexicano beers have been on sale in the bottle format, to where a 12-pack of Dos Equis was just barely more expensive than a shitty 12-pack of Miller or Budweiser, which is amazing to me. Also amazing to me is Mexican dudes in America who still buy the $10 12-packs of Tecate or Modelo cans, just to stay in touch with their roots. Or if they don't, they drink Bud Light. Proud Mazatlan warriors, reduced to below minimum wagers, trying to send money back home to their fat wives to buy a couple of tiendas that hopefully don't get ganked weekly by los narcoterroristos. Them motherfuckers are crazy. Just by mentioning them inside the internets, they might abduct me and leave me dead at the elementary school cemetary tombstone of my Chinese uncle. 5 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: All Mexican beer seems to be of the chemistry that it will only get you drunk if it is hot enough for it to taste like brown tittie nectar, and then you will drink it with such enthusiasm that you are bound to start wobbling during your walk back and forth between horseshoe pits. This is why playing partners is so good, because you don’t have to move back and forth, and when it is your turn to throw, you can properly dial yourself in by balancing your right calf muscle against the stob itself. Without the weatherly heat, Mexican beer doesn’t work right with my gringo bloodstream. But since it is getting onto summertime, we will say 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Dos Equis labels are a chill thing, gold and red with sweet faux cursive letters. But the green bottle freaks me out. I used to live across the street from a dank ass Mexican joint in Richmond, Virginia, and many many of the brown bottles were crushed well before I hit the age of 21 in that place, soaking up third grade beef and second-rate Iceberg lettuce shreds and lard-enriched re-refried beans. The green bottle brings to mind fake good beers for white people, like Heineken or Rolling Rock, and confuses me. I know they need to distinguish between bottled brands internally, and I guess keeping the label that pimp Dos Equis style seemed like a no-brainer. But I think I would've kept the brown bottle and flipped the label colors, like an alternate jersey for a football team from the main label, and went with that. Thus is the problem with the green Dos Equis bottle - it is outside of their team colors, which makes it seem new-fangled and fly-by-night. 2 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: You've seen those commercials, where somebody injected the Men's Wearhouse owner with Ricardo Montalban's blood, gave him two hits of X and let him loose in the VIP section of Las Vegas Strip night clubs to make commercials. If that's the real owner of Dos Equis, then holy fuck, that's great. Unfortunately, I would probably guess that Anheuser-Busch owns them and some snarky grad school advertising idiot savant came up with the whole thing. Still though, for the sake of feeling good about the world as it seems to exist as opposed to how it might exist, I will assume the crazy Latin businessman success story is the real deal. And I will pretend he paid Kim Kardashian and Britney Spears to have sex with each other while he watched in his top floor Presidential Suite one night, with glass dildos that had diamonds of three different colors embedded in the middle. Because that's how a guy like that would roll most likely. (This also makes me wonder what exactly is the world's most expensive dildo, because they make all types of ridiculous overblown things for the ultra-wealthy, like ATM machines that dole out gold bars - saw it online - or $1200 cupcakes with gold flakes or $25,000 bottles of wine or all sorts of tomfoolery for people to be as big stupidly big ballin' as they could possibly be, just because. So I have to imagine some sort of jewel arrangement surrounded by handblown artisan glass dildos must exist somewhere.) 6 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Dos Equis is double Xes, one shy of triple X, which in concept is a good thing, but if you actually try to look at it, usually leaves you feeling empty and hollow and uninspired to ever have sex with another human being for the rest of your life, unless it's a human being you have conquered into slavery and you really don't give a fuck about destroying them psychologically and then disposing of them to utilize a new one for your gratifications. But let's pretend the Dos Equis double Xes are to percolate in your head, while you get drunk with someone you enjoy sexual relations with, not a random individual. I have never understood the random sex principle, because if you can find longer term people (even if it's a couple weeks) to get your creative freak on and fulfill all sorts of personal nonsense that most normal humans would be afraid to ask of random strangers, why wouldn't you? But let's pretend that the Dos Equis double Xes are the percolation for you and this other person to conjure up the third X and get down and loosey goosey on the living room floor for about five hours on a Friday night. And in that case, nothing but high marks. 7 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 4 & 4/5 STARS!