#1: FRANCE - Defending Copa Del Mundial Campeones and Group A frontrunner, I am completely not down with the Frenchies. I was not down with that Zidane Zhidane Zildjian dude headbutting that other guy in the last World Cup, and I am not down with their sneaky handball that got them in and the Irish out when it came to qualifying for this Cup, and I am not down with them. Thierry Henry is planning on signing with the New York MetroBulls for MLS after the World Cup, which also sucks, even if he is former awesome player of Europe of the year. I am not down with expensive washed-out foreign superstars coming to MLS to try and trick soccer into being an integral part of this balanced American consciousness. We have lost our Americanness, our ability to take dilapidation and shine it up right tightwise. Now we just look for shiny shit right away, and that's why America is in decline. We can't fix crap on our own anymore, so it has to be pre-fixed and shined up just right and cheap enough we can replace it right away under our credit limit if necessary. Shit, we Americans are as close to the French as possible, full of self import and condescending as fuck to outsiders, even when inside their world. Oh well, the French talk faggier than we do. Plus, I've never met a full-blooded Frenchman or woman who wasn't hard to get along with. Although when I was a kid, in my dad's stack of OUI magazines, there was a brunette French chick who was taking a bath in one of those by itself bathtubs like from the Old West, and she kicked it with a red sweater on and nothing on the bottom, and this was back when women still rocked the hair and had yet to be convinced they should try to physically replicate anime robot women to be sexually attractive, so she was pretty great in that magazine. And she was some sort of Frenchie. But outside of her, random porn mag chick, there's not much in defense of the French I can come up with inside my mind.
#2: GERMANY - During a brief intertwining of lives with family-in-laws who ended up bailing on us just as quickly because we weren't up to their uppitty snuff, the dude of that fam was sporting himself a German national team jersey from 2006. Chumpassdom. Plus, I'm not down with the German style of playing soccer, nor life itself. They are a robotic people, closer to cyborg status than the rest of us in this world could even imagine. Scientifically, they were forebearers in all the brainwashing arts that are so rampant nowadays during the Third Reich. I mean good goddamn, when a creative stroke of brilliance within your culture is the blip blooped tomfoolery of Kraftwerk, you are no longer ruled by blood and sinew and neurons so much as formulas and calculations and planned deviations that are expected from cold running the experiments a few thousand times beforehand, top secretly. Still, there are only like five teams that can actually win the World Cup, and usually a home continent team wins, but let's be honest here... Africa is fucked, both historically and in regards to this World Cup. Does the hemispheric partnership with South America have the advantage, or do colonial fucks from Europe? I don't know... unfortunately I think colonialism trumps down-with-yall-ships, and the asshole scat-loving robot athlete slave master Germans might be around for a while this coming month.
#3: ENGLAND - The limeys are the enemy, even though, unfortunately, America is like a second-tier version of the English national team. The English uniforms (no matter how soccer-gay I become, I will never start calling them "kits") are always the ugliest, most boring uniforms around, except for when America ups the ante, like we did this year, with our retard sashed unis. Unfortunately for myself, after months of hyping myself up for the World Cup, since last fall really, and looking forward to that opening U.S. game against England, our former motherland, which if America can win, puts us in a great position to not only get through the group stage but actually position ourselves better for the knockout stages, I will be travelling during the game. I will be in a fucking airplane going from Charlotte, North Carolina, to Las Vegas, Nevada, and the entire game will happen while I am in the sky, not really still in America, yet governed by it's rules and regulations. Isn't that why motherfuckers, according to historical myth, became Americans in the first place? Fuck. I am hoping Univision or something replays the game and I will just head straight to the hotel upon arrival and not look at TVs until I can watch the replay in its entirety. Or some dumbass will be like, "YEAH! WE FUCKING WON!" and his accent (or lack thereof) will ruin it for me. I hate fucking airplanes. And at least through Saturday night, I hate fucking England.
#4: ALGERIA - Working with an Egyptian guy has really taught me how naturally evil Algerians are, so much so that, currently, they might have surpassed Armenians as my least liked nationality on Earth. Of course, my Egyptian co-worker has also dropped a bit of Zionist conspiracies on me and told me that they were performing crazy surgeries and had built rockets from stone on the Arab peninsula, so who knows how much weight I should put into his words. But I do know that the Algerians drew the same group as America, so as a man who has decided to embrace the country I was randomly born into as the be-all end-all for me to pull for in the World football Bowl 2010, that means I hate them. Although I have to admit, if I get to watch them play in those green uniforms they have, I might not hate them so much. Maybe they could beat England to help my personal rooting causes. Of course, England is above Algeria on this list, and that is on purpose. Hopefully, they will wear green against England, who will be in their bullshit white uniforms, and evil Algerians with those big swashbuckler swords yelling "FALALALALALALA" will chop Wayne Rooney's left leg off right below the knee.
#5: SOUTH AFRICA - Speaking of green uniforms, is there something I do not know about why all the African teams are rocking strange green uniforms? I mean, I knew Nigeria always wore green, but it seems like most all of them are wearing green. Are we recycling Africans now? The whole Africa hosting the World Cup thing is kinda cool, but also bugs me because it's all the way down in stupid South Africa, where white people ruled shit with an iron shackle and golden gun for a long time, and most of the great soccer teams for Africa are up in the western part. So this makes me resent South Africa. Also, the fact South Africa will probably get worked into the knockout stages, as they always seem to get host countries into the knockout stages, even shitty South Korea and Japan when they co-hosted, that bugs me too. I might actually be rooting nearly as hard for Mexico to crush South Africa in the opener on Friday as I will for America on Saturday. One positive of it being held in South Africa is the giant black ghettos full of wannabe gangstas who will be robbing mad tourists over the next month when they wander a few blocks too far out of the safe zones.
#6: GREECE - Even though the Greek economy has gone to hades, I have no love for that country, nor it's soccer team. Maybe if they weren't all sitting around being hairy and eating olives and counting on endless government jobs with endless benefits, this wouldn't have happened. Of course, that seems to be the plan for economic resurrection here in America, so it's our future too. When it comes to international soccer of a national variety, I am a hater of the Euroteams, for no real reason than most maps you look at, that's the center of our earth universe. On top of that, Greece has boring colors in my opinion. Plus, they're only like the 14th best team in Europe. Plus, there's only so many teams I actively hate with any amount of emotion, so I have to fill out the list with teams I just don't care about.
#7: ITALY - Rooting for defending champions that you are not personally attached to is always a chump maneuver. Plus, they are Italians. Full-blooded Italians are some of the most impatient people on earth. Plus greasy.
#8: JAPAN - I don't support Asians playing soccer. They should be sticking to kung fu, or drifting souped up Civics on highway ramps in cities that are abandoned because the Mothra alarm went off.
#9: SWITZERLAND - I don't know man, fucking Europe.
#10: SOUTH KOREA - Like I said, I am against Asians playing soccer. Plus, I think it would be awesome if Kim Jong Il really was the son of god and became leader of the world, so I obviously support them in the Korea vs. Korea conflict. Too many of this world's leaders are boring political dogmatic types or religiously oriented. There aren't enough crazy artsy wacko type dictators.
#11: SLOVENIA - In the American group, so I do not like them. But as you can see from this listing of teams I shall be rooting against, I hope they come in second in Group C. And they actually have some fairly pimp uniforms.
#12: SPAIN - Don't let the bronze skin mislead you... Spaniards have the souls of Europeans, those that kill and enslave people for profit. Though their bronze-skinned women are awfully attractive, and make the blood rush to my penis. As pertaining to sport, Spaniards have the athletic genetics of browner people, yet the floppity whiny nature of the Mediterranean peoples, yet they love soccer, and they are supposedly one of the best on this earth at it. I ally myself with Portugal though, meaning Spain is a lesser country in my mind. Spaniard blood is not good unless you mix it with indigenous people first.
#13: SERBIA - Serbia is the only country you actually here of from the nineteen countries that broke apart from the former Yugoslavia. I find eastern Europe very interesting, because white people from there actually know what type of white people they are, and even go to war with each other over it. In America, we are just white people - a giant slushy hodgepodge of mostly European bloods, all mixed together into a clusterfuck of genetics that is dazzled by shiny things and cul de sacs. Because Serbia is King of these eastern European trash cultures (no offense), I can only assume they are hooked up with the Rosicrucians or Knights of Templar or some shady shit like that.
#14: DENMARK - Mostly, in my brain I put Denmark and the Netherlands together, and only like the one that wears orange. That is not Denmark.
2 comments:
I think there is a lot of sound through to this EXCEPT I'd switch out the Spanish team with the Mexican team. Man there are some real bastards on that Mexican team, and some things they did when they played against the USA were damn sinister. Meanwhile the Spanish team had really been building up over the years, to the point where I think they will win the whole thing this year...
I could never root against my Mexican brothers, Andy. Never. Their sinister play against us was like two brothers scrapping in teh back yard who shake hands and kick the world's ass together afterwards.
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