We will make this round a simple best of three questions format...
ATSUSHI ONITA vs. JIMMY VALIANT
Where do they live? Somewhere in Japan vs. Shawsville, Virginia.
Do they have a beard? Not that I know vs. yes, a long ass one.
Advantage: Jimmy Valiant, two to none.
CHAZ BOJORQUEZ vs. GABRIEL DUENEZ
Who is older and more obscure? Duenez.
Were I rich, who would I more likely commission to do something for me? Bojorquez.
Am I rich? No.
Advantage: Gabriel Duenez.
JACKIE TYSON vs. JOHN RIGGINS
Which has cut down a tree in my back yard? Jackie Tyson.
Which has taught me awesome things in real life and once almost shot me with a .357 because he is really paranoid and I thought I was a neighbor crackhead trying to rob him? Jackie Tyson.
Who was on a football team I watched on TV when I was a kid? TV heroes are gay.
Advantage: Jackie Tyson.
CHARLES MANSON vs. TED KACZYNSKI
Who is smaller? I don't know; they're both small as fuck.
Who has the better beard? Upon arrest, probably a push, but I'd bet Manson keeps better facial hair in jail. Still, no photos to prove this.
Who wrote a better manifesto? Again, a push, because The Unabomber Manifesto was a nice piece, but very intellectual. Manson was a word-of-mouth oral manifesto manifester. There is something to be said for that.
Who would I rather receive a letter from if I wrote both of them in jail? Oh, without a doubt, Manson.
Advantage: Manson.
LARRY FLYNT vs. OXANA MALAYA
Who subjugates women? Flynt. (This would not be considered an advantage, in case you were wondering. Women can be objectified, but they should be treated well so as to enjoy their rampant sexualization as much as you enjoy it.)
Who wants to live amongst wild dogs? Malaya. (This is an advantage.)
Who is more obscure, thus making me feel like more of an obtuse internet hipster fuckface, and after all, isn't that what this is ultimately all about? Definitely Malaya.
Advantage: Oxana Malaya.
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