This begins the second round of my retarded self-indulgent tournament of awesome living human beings, to create a Hall of 100 (eventually) Living Human Beings aka the Learned Elders of Rojonekku who would be the 100 dudes or ol' ladies I would pay all my money were I a bazillionaire, to teach the homeless teenagers I and my co-conspirators take in all the wonderful things they know in this world, and fill their heads with hopes and dreams and retardedness and wildernesses and double tough batshit crazy. So let us - meaning me - begin - meaning start.
AFRIKA BAMBAATAA vs. TOO SHORT
I could listen to Too Short all night long, driving westwardly under a new moon with a bloodstream full of THC, and an oil can of Foster's in my non-shifting hand, but when it comes to Learned Elders, Afrika Bambaataa is the epitome of that. A street thug turned new-fangled musical artist turned spaced out cult leader. He is Sun Ra for the hip hop generation, and it is a shame that rap music is so hung up on the latest shit so that there is no room for Bambaataa to stalk around and say crazy shit in more publicly accessible forums.
Advantage: Afrika Bambaataa.
BILLY GIBBONS vs. JIM "DANDY" MANGRUM
If I had to pick between these two ten days in a row, I'd probably change my mind every day. Billy Gibbons is a one of a kind type rock-n-roll blues legend. But there is an interview I had in a shitty magazine I used to write for with Jim "Dandy" Mangrum where, in his middle-aged days, he bragged that he's never had a real job and doesn't even know how to use a hammer, and also how much he loves women. Now, I would not pride myself in such things, but I am a man of the earth by birth. If I could trade it all in to waste my life with drugs, alcohol, and pussy, I probably would. Especially if you offered it to me at like 16.
Advantage: Jim "Dandy" Mangrum.
JOHN RIGGINS vs. TIGER WILLIAMS
Hockey is awesome, especially legendary enforcer types, but I am not Canadian or Swedish or whatever the fuck. I am American.
Advantage: John Riggins.
STEVE EARLE vs. SWAMP DOGG
Oh man, I bet Steve Earle could put together a really great two hour radio show about Swamp Dogg. And I bet Swamp Dogg, when presented with Steve Earle, would want to sing over top of Steve Earle's music. In alpha male hierarchical status, that means Swamp Dogg is the alpha. This is no slight on Steve Earle, just the way things are.
Advantage: Swamp Dogg.
BILL MURRAY vs. LARRY FLYNT
Bill Murray is a funny motherfucker, but a Kentucky hillbilly who took mass media pornographic magazining to a whole 'nother level of the game is a dude that I can be like, "Yeah, he has done a thing that impresses my rural stupid half-ignorant over-educated ass."
Advantage: Larry Flynt.
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