NFL WEEK 2: AFC North & West - 1st Quarter

I am doing a slightly compromised version of my weekly NFL rankings thing over at Heavy, which you should check out if you want (it will be in the weekly recap), but I decided to continue doing my original more cussed out/whacked out version as well. Which is what this will be, hopefully on Thursday mornings or Wednesday mornings, or who the fuck knows really. But it will be here. After the first week, your directionally connected pair of inter-conference divisions with the worst combined record were the AFC North and West, so they will start our tour this year. In fact, this year, we will cover the football in four quarters (obviously we are in the first quarter, as we will be the next three weeks as well), and into overtime (the playoffs), so understand, these rankings are faulty and misleading until at least the second quarter. But I have to pretend I'm doing something, don't I?

#1: BALTIMORE RAVENS (1-0, 1st overall) - Yes, at this point the Ravens are #1 in the league overall according to my scientifical system, mostly because they beat the Jets on the road and the Jets were incredibly overrated by Las Vegas oddsmakers coming into the season. The Ravens should be good though, and with an actual solid supporting cast of players on offense for the young Hero of all of Delaware (except the part near Philadelphia) Joe Flacco to toss the ball around to, they could be kicking up some Ws come the playoffs. THIS WEEK: on the road again, at the Cincinnati Bengals, in what usually is a brutal grudge match, and can only be made better by Ray Lewis wanting to paralyze Terrell Owens.

#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-0, 5th overall) - Oh man, that Steelers/Falcons game made me want to abuse cough syrup, it was so boring. Cough syrup and painkillers and mind-dulling drugs like that are great for making really slow and not exciting things seem way more exciting. Personally, and I probably should not be admitting this so openly, but I've become a big fan of mixing hydrocodone with watching PGA golf. THIS WEEK: on the road at Tennessee in what should be another slow and ugly affair.

#3: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (1-0, 9th overall) - Imagine my surprise to wake up on Tuesday morning and find out the Chiefs beat the Chargers. Imagine how much I started laughing at Norv Turner. I think this will probably be the year that people realize Philip Rivers is a piece of shit. And somehow I just wrote an entire Chiefs blurb without actually really talking about them. THIS WEEK: they get to go to Cleveland, which - not letting the Chiefs week one win fool you - will be one of the least wanted games of the week. They still have to play it though, so that everybody can get to 16.

#4: CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-1, 21st overall) - Actually got to see a good bit of this game, and it was hilarious to have a Hail Mary at the half for the Bengals with both Ochocinco and T.O. already in the locker room. This season can only end ugly for the Bengals. At some point, Carson Palmer's going to crack and just join the Klan. Also, mad super duper props to the Bengals for adding that Rey Maualuga dude to Domate Peko, giving them two crazy longhaired tattooed Samoan dudes on defense. I wanna party with those guys. THIS WEEK: Baltimore, like I said.

#5: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (0-1, 24th overall) - They lost to the Chiefs. This was supposed to be the year they absolutely dominated the AFC West. Of course, so was last year, and they had to count on a complete Denver Broncos collapse to achieve their division title, so whatever. Norv Turner teams are always underachievers. They could probably underachieve and still win the AFC West again. THIS WEEK: back home in San Diego, hosting the Jacksonville Jaguars. They should win easily, which probably means they will either barely win or outright lose.

#6: OAKLAND RAIDERS (0-1, 27th overall) - The Jason Campbell era gets off to an inglorious start. I watched that 30 on 30 documentary Ice Cube made about the Raiders in Los Angeles, and had a real hard time not just freeze framing it on Al Davis and staring at his shrivelled up old body sporting gaudy jewelry. That dude is one of a kind. I would not be surprised if the NFL helps pay to keep him alive just so he can ruin his franchise even more and they can laugh inside the big mahoganey doors of the NFL Overlord office and be like, "YEAH! WHO THE FUCK ELSE WANTS TO SUE US NOW!?!?" THIS WEEK: Oh, the Raiders are hosting the Rams this weekend as well. That will be the least wanted game of the week, yet someone will win, in early posturing for next year's number one draft pick.

#7: DENVER BRONCOS (0-1, 29th overall) - I feel bad for Kyle Orton. A bearded chronic alcoholic seems like the perfect fit for a Colorado sports team. And yet somehow, it seems nothing but personal frustration is in his future. It's too bad. THIS WEEK: Denver is at home against former AFC West rival the Seattle Seahawks. I hate the Seahawks, and hate Denver ever since they changed their uniforms to the newer ones. I am full of hate, for all types of things, and for very little reason usually. It is how I am.

#8: CLEVELAND BROWNS (0-1, 31st overall) - Basically my concern with the Browns rests entirely on Joshua Cribbs getting like 39 TDs on offense and special teams, being he is on both of my fantasy stupid fake football teams. Beyond that, I could give a fuck about the Browns. They could blow up in a dirty bomb and so long as they didn't cancel the Redskins game, I wouldn't care. It's easy to see why people were so mad at Lebron when you see what the Browns are bringing to the table. I bet they wish Jake Delhomme had taken his talents to Miami. THIS WEEK: solid home opener against the Chiefs. Unfortunately this is not 1987, so no one will care, except those crazy dudes who smuggle kegs into the game in the Dogg Pound section.