S14: Best College Football Teams

May not do it entirely all year long, much less weekly, but I was fucking around the other night and calculated the best and worst college football teams thus far in the young season for 2010, so I figured I’d make a pair of stupid posts about them. These are the teams winning by the most, called the Bully List, because they be fucking people up without remorse.

#1: OREGON DUCKS (3-0, 58.667 avg. margin of victory) – In three games, the Ducks have beat two inferior teams at home 72-0 and 69-0, and gone on the road to Rocky Top to tear up the Tennessee Vols. They open up Pac-10 play (and hopefully a run to the title with USC out of the way by their own legal undoing) at Arizona State this weekend.

#2: BETHUNE-COOKMAN WILDCATS (2-0, 47.500 avg. margin of victory) – Early HBCU frontrunner in the IAA MEAC… I just like writing nonsense like that with a bunch of abbreviations and acronyms and shit. Sports fandom is a very serious nonsense gibberish to outsiders, and at this moment, it seems completely ridiculous to me. Why do I do shit like this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

#3: LINDENWOOD LIONS (3-0, 47.000 avg. margin of victory) – Not only is Lindenwood again a terror of the bizarre NAIA league, but their win last weekend was against a fellow top 10 team in Missouri Valley, who they barely beat 45 to 27.

#4: TRINE THUNDER (3-0, 46.333 avg. margin of victory) - #12 Division III team in the country, from somewhere in Indiana, where I would bet small college football is really popular until just after Halloween, when everybody is like, “Fuck this shit, basketball season is starting.” It’s very strange that there still exists a predominantly white people enclave in this country where basketball is immensely popular.

#5: DAKOTA WESLEYAN TIGERS (2-0, 45.000 avg. margin of victory) – This is some bullshit. Dakota Wesleyan isn’t even in the NAIA Top 25. They must not really exist or something. Andy Kaufman’s kid has pretended them into existence as part of his pop cultural studies class in college.

#6: MAINE MARITIME MARINERS (2-0, 44.500 avg. margin of victory) – Well, their first win was on the road against one of the most consistently notoriously terrible college football programs since I ever started doing this in Anna Maria, so the ol’ Mariners may not be around in a few weeks.

#7: SALISBURY STATE SEA GULLS (3-0, 43.667 avg. margin of victory) – There is some disparity in the interwebs about whether they go by Salisbury State (which could never be taken seriously) or simply Salisbury at this point, but the fact of the matter is they beat a team called Husson, 84 to 7, at Husson (wherever that may be), last week. And yet with NCAA Division III being such a giant clusterfuck of teams like it is, they’re still not ranked.

#8: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (3-0, 42.667 avg. margin of victory) – The Warhawks are ranked in Division III football though, at the very top. They played their closest game of the young year last weekend, only beating Campbellsville on the road by 30 points. In Division III football, there are the Warhawks and there are the Mount Union Purple Raiders. Those two are like the Ohio State and USC of Division III.

#9: WITTENBERG TIGERS (3-0, 41.333 avg. margin of victory) - #6 ranked Division III team, and another yearly power in that underclass of college football. I imagine you could get a good book out of just being drunk and travelling between small college Saturday afternoon showdowns throughout the state of Ohio. Of course, I am of the belief I could get a good book out of just being drunk and travelling anything. The key has been to find a rich benefactor lady to help cover the life costs that not having a for-real job would create by me doing such things. But all it takes is one. One benefactor and/or one book. WORK, BRAIN! WORK!

#10: UTICA PIONEERS (3-0, 39.000 avg. margin of victory) – A domineering team thus far this year, yet not ranked in the top 25 for Division III. This leads me to wonder about the types of guys who actually are forced to vote in the Division III poll. Like, I’m dorky enough just looking some of this shit up casually, but to be completely immersed in it to where you have to have a valid opinion on the matter… it’s a scary world out there for some folks, trapped inside of terrible microcosms. Then again, maybe it’s not so bad. Like, I might end up being invited to vote in the poll by the end of the year simply because I know more then 12 NCAA division III teams by name.

#11: NORTH CENTRAL CARDINALS (2-0, 38.500 avg. margin of victory) - #8 in Division III, and I love reading those polls because it goes like #6: Central (Iowa), #7: North Central (Missouri), #8: Indiana (Pennsylvania), #9: North Central (Illinois), #10: Trinity (Illinois), #11: Trinity (Texas), #12: Central (Ohio), #13: Trinity (Wisconsin), #14: Bilderberg, #15: MK Ultra, #16: Sirhan College, and so on.

#12: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (3-0, 38.333 avg. margin of victory) – Hey! A football team you’ve heard of finally! They are #1 in the NCAA’s premier class of allegedly amateur athletics, and I fucking hate them, just because I hate everything that is either good or popular or both.

#13: STANFORD CARDINAL (3-0, 38.000 avg. margin of victory) – Ranked #16 in the AP poll, and it’s a down year for the Pac-10, so if they can upset Oregon, they could win one of these two “USC doesn’t count” years coming up. Head coach Jim Harbaugh has solidly established himself as a solid dude at the collegiate level, so much so he is no longer the head coach flavor of the month every off-season in the NFL.

#14: WALSH CAVALIERS (3-0, 38.000 avg. margin of victory) – Your #8 ranked NAIA football team, from somewhere in the bowels of Ohio. It was founded by something called “the Brothers of Christian Instruction.” I like that because I am a big fan of just making shit up and pretending it’s all serious business.