S14: Worst College Football Teams

This is your college football Shit List thus far the fall season of inter-collegiate athletics. These are the absolute crappiest forms of organized football being played in America today, and all of them will carry this with them for the rest of their lives, as they sell insurance and operate internet start-ups and work at their father’s law firm and become addicted to prescription drugs and grow old and mostly white but sometimes black together.

#1: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-3, 61.333 avg. margin of defeat) – Texas College is notoriously the worst team in the worst level of college football there is – the NAIA. They opened this year at home against Belhaven, and lost 53 to 3. Sadly enough, that’s their highlight, that one field goal, because since then they went to Ouachita Baptist (which I think is a church group) and lost 70 to 0, and then to McMurry and lost 64 to 0. Steer Football Fever… CATCH IT!

#2: HUSSON EAGLES (0-3, 55.667 avg. margin of defeat) – The year has started ugly for the Eagles from Bangor, Maine, and Division III independent team, with three straight home losses, 38 to 0 to Otterbein, 51 to 0 to Springfield, and then they finally scored a touchdown last weekend against Salisbury, but unfortunately still lost 84 to 7. Luckily for them, two of their remaining opponents are on this year’s first Shit List as well – Anna Maria and Becker. Someone will have to win those games.

#3: NEW MEXICO LOBOS (0-3, 49.667 avg. margin of defeat) – My dislike of Brian Urlacher and his state trooper haircut is so immense that I am thankful his alma mater is the shittiest Division I football team going right now. They lost to Oregon to start the season 72 to 0, which is usually the type of ass-kicking reserved for IAA teams. Fuck you Brian Urlacher.

#4: ANNA MARIA CATS (0-3, 48.000 avg. margin of defeat) – Man, I am so thankful I did this this week, because Anna Maria and Becker are in the same conference in Division III football, yet for some reason did not play last year. Both were on this list towards the end of the year (and maybe even at the end, but I don’t feel like looking it up), but did not get a chance to see who was worst. Well, after being outscored the past two weeks by 116 to 0, Anna Maria is travelling to Becker, this weekend, for the most mightiest of showdowns ever. For one of these two teams, this will most likely be their only win in three years. And I hope, oh god I hope by some odd chance that someone has followed these things on my blog and knows how immense this will be. This is why the internet was invented, to shine a spotlight on little strange corner of the world cockroaches like Anna Maria vs. Becker, September 25, 2010.

#5: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-3, 48.000 avg. margin of defeat) – I know that Culver-Stockton is a great team, because they regularly show up in my search terms as having brought somebody to my stupid fucking blog. Well, here you go again Mr. Random Dude Googling Culver-Stockton Football to see if the world knows how truly bad something you probably know firsthand really is. It doesn’t. I’m not a good gauge on the real world.

#6: CONCORDIA FALCONS (0-3, 48.000 avg. margin of defeat) – This would be the Wisconsin Concordia team, in case there are like nine of them in Division III. They host Maranatha Baptist Bible College in three weeks, which is a notoriously bad program that has yet to win this year as well.

#7: LA VERNE LEOPARDS (0-1, 45.000 avg. margin of defeat) – Took me a while to find anything about them after the initial data because I was looking up “LaVerne” instead of “La Verne”. I guess that makes a difference to them, but damn, when your team is the leopards, I don’t know, doesn’t seem like much to be proud of.

#8: LIVINGSTONE BLUE BEARS (0-4, 44.750 avg. margin of defeat) – They just restarted football last year, playing in the historically black college and university Central Intercollegiate Athletic Association, and basically getting their asses handed to them regularly. I have a hard time not just calling them the Livingstone Brambles though.

#9: CHOWAN HAWKS (0-3, 44.000 avg. margin of defeat) – Well, Chowan is also in the western division of the CIAA along with the Livingstone Brambles, so they will have to play at some point this year. See, that’s the type of dumb shit I make a road trip for, to watch two absolutely terrible small black college football teams play somewhere in Pennsylvania or North Carolina on a Saturday afternoon in October. And then I go to the drag races nearby, and get stabbed by Mexicans, although that’s just what I call them. They probably were actually Salvadorans.

#10: WESTERN STATE MOUNTAINEERS (0-3, 43.000 avg. margin of defeat) – A little misleading for the Division II team, as they went out of their class to play IAA Montana Grizzlies in Missoula at the beginning of the month, and got waxed 73 to 2 in that affair (and you have to assume the Grizzlies gave them a safety at some point so that they could punt the ball more safely). Western State is a consistently good football team, and I have to figure them playing out of their league means they just want their guys all fucked up and beaten down to start the year so they come out and completely obliterate their actual Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference competition. Or maybe they really do suck.

#11: MACMURRAY HIGHLANDERS (0-3, 42.000 avg. margin of defeat) – What can you say about the pride of Jacksonville, Illinois, that hasn’t already been said? Nothing like Highlander football in northern Illinois on a crisp Saturday afternoon, far enough from the hustle and minorityness of Chicago to relax and enjoy a warm cup of apple cider and feel good to be an American still.

#12: VALPARAISO CRUSADERS (0-3, 41.000 avg. margin of defeat) – A IAA team that most people only know from occasional NCAA basketball tournament appearances. The Crusaders logo is like a cartoon drawn by a drunk hipster kid who took a time machine back to 1957. I am sure it has been incorporate nicely into many comedically drunken fraternity party screen prints.

#13: BECKER HAWKS (0-3, 40.333 avg. margin of defeat) – Forget the 78 to 19 ass-kicking at home three weeks ago to start the year. Forget the near win on the road against the MIT Message Board Administrators, losing 21 to 13 two weeks ago. Forget the 55 to zero stomping at the hands of the Worcester Polytechnic Institute Engineers last week (yeah, that’s a real team). For you the mighty Hawks of Becker College in quaint Leicester, Massachusetts, there is only this weekend, when the equally impotent Anna Maria College comes to town for the game of the year. Order your kegs from Hannaford’s now bros; it’s on.

#14: KENTUCKY CHRISTIAN KNIGHTS (0-4, 40.000 avg. margin of defeat) – It’s only the third year of football for Kentucky Christian University, which sounds like some shit I want nothing to do with. I mean, fucking Americans get mad about mosques being in the middle of giant clusters of cemented cities full of millions, yet we have all these podunk ass Christian colleges floating through small towns that train people to have that blank look in their eyes. It freaks me out just thinking about it. This country needs more mosques, not less. You motherfuckers better hope I don’t get wealthy because I’m gonna open a goddamn Intifadah University with a golden dome made of Russian machine guns over top our basketball arena. Seriously. And then in a purposeful moment of irony, I’ll blow the whole thing up with an improvised explosive, but I’ll attached Bible verses to my media manifesto.