Cerveza Caguama

(I found an unpublished beerz review from when I was still doing them, and this is it)
AFFORDABILITY: I saw some friends we went to the beach a few years back drinking the Cerveza Caguama, and I thought it was just like a more budget version of Mexican people beers (or white people beers for white people who want to feel like they are Mexican or at least in Mexico or some bullshit like that). I had never really seen it anywhere except that time at the beach, but all of a sudden there it was in the beer aisle at Kroger, and two bucks cheaper on sale than any other Mexican beer. It was probably a night where I had bought the ingredients for tacos or enchiladas or some shit like that. If you have a spot where you can get blue corn tacos for tacos, that is the deal right there. First off, blue corn is not yet genetically domineered by Monsanto (who our beloved leader's picks for Supreme Court have all been attached at the hip to, so if this is the liberal addition era to the high court, I guess not being able to replant seeds or exist as an independent agrarian-based business is no longer a liberal issue; makes sense though, because that type of business is traditional and conservative; too bad conservatives are assholes too who also only backbone up big megabusinesses like Monsanto), so it is always going to be organic or at least not chemically fucked into putting third eyes on your sperm cells. But the Cerveza Caguama was a part of that completely balanced ethnic breakfast for dinner, and an affordable component as well. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Like most Mexican beers, once it gets warm outside your skin, especially in the humid areas of the south I tend to find myself fucking around upon, you can blow through Mexican beer like it's nothing, and not necessarily get drunk. Ideally they would develop some sort of IV pouch of Mexican beers that you could just run straight into your blood stream while you sit there in the yard, for a quicker infusion of alcohol content to not be stifled by sweat loss. You could probably even mix in a little water to keep yourself hydrated, or better yet a couple tincture bottle squirts of homemade opioids. So I think the Cerveza Caguama worked it's number on me, but it's hard to say because most likely I was walking around bare-chested and sweaty, although lately I've also taken to wearing Hawaiian shirts unbuttoned because when you are a grown man with a large beard and not terrible but noticeable beer belly with stupid words tattooed across it in an ironic non-gangsta fashion, that is a style you will end up thinking appropriate to wear. There are many cyber-people who would read that and cringe or laugh, but usually the type of person you'd want to have in your back yard sharing foods and drinks and drugs with, they would welcome such a style heartily, and you don't really want those cyber-people types snarking up your back yard with their shorthand jargon and Mr. Show references. 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Cerveza Caguama means beer turtle or some shit like that, so there is a turtle design that looks like they tested it demographically and all the 7-year-old girls loved this one the best and the ultimate goal of Cerveza Caguama is to get young girls to like the way Mexican beer looks so they end up going on spring break to Mexico resorts and spending all their parents' money on letting strange dudes suck tequila out of their pierced umbilical cord remnants, which hopefully go in and not out because seeing a puckered out belly button with a hoop pierced right through the fat dog tick center flesh of it would be fucking gross. Seriously though, I have never seen a beer label or packaging that looks more like the design you'd find on a child's flotation toy than Cerveza Caguama. On one hand, that is funny, because it is different; but on the other hand, it's fucking stupid. 3 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: I looked up Cerveza Caguama on the wikipedias and hit one of those strange internet searching matrixes that you can never tell is for everybody or specifically designed to fuck with just you, being computer advertising programs are all sorts of tricky and nebulous and packed with all sorts of programmer hahas and lulz tricks, that only those nerdbergs really know about. So I typed in "Cerveza Caguama" and all it did was go to "beer bottle" which leads me to believe that "caguama" is perhaps landscaper language for "bottle". But that would mean that this beer, when translated to English, is Beer Bottle, which in itself might be about the funniest programming joke ever played on stupid whitey. So ultimately, since I figure all Mexican beers are indirectly made by Corona, just like all American beers are indirectly made by Budweiser, I hope that Corona saw that white Americans loved the Mexican beer as a fake vacation psychological trigger mechanism. But they also saw how much white Americans loved cheap ass shit in the form of illegal immigrant labor. So I hope it was some supreme insider goof on white Americans to make a cheaper fake vacation beer called Beer Bottle, to take more of our money south of the border, which I have no problem with really. America kind of sucks, other than the money, and I would ideally send all mine to Mexico to buy five tiendas, a nice villa on a beach, and protection from satanic drug gangs, with hopefully enough left over to hire famous luchadors to just kind of hang around my house, wearing their masks and suits. 8 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: It is beer. Mexican beer. Cheap Mexican beer. No one should expect much from such a combination of noun and two adjectives. 2 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 4 & 1/5 STARS!