L.E.o.R. - Fall ’10 – Finals

So this is the final showdowns for the Fall 2010 Learned Elders of Rojonekku. The winners will be inducted into a living hall of fame, which means I’ll steal from multiple sources, add some cusswords, and post long biographical posts the day of October 15 (maybe) about the actual five. Then we do this whole thing again in the springtime, and on until we have 100 people, some of which will probably die along the way, so be removed since you have to be alive, and then I can continue to do this nonsense, in perpetuity, to continually keep it filled as much as possible. WHEN WILL MY MADNESS STOP?
Anyways, I decided to do these final showdowns comparing the pair using seven specific factors as to how highly they should be included into the Hall of Fame. Here are those factors: Learned Factor (being this is a living Hall of Fame, for the kids in my back roads ninjitsu life lesson “academy” of a couple camper trailers, I can imagine being incredibly endowed – financially – and building a college where I pay crazy motherfuckers to come teach crazy things to these kids; the Learned Factor is basically which person I’d rather pay to come teach at this insane college that does not exist); Death Factor (which one is closer to death or will be a more tragic death or probably should get this honor more being they can only get it while alivers on earth); Fight Factor (which one battles normal society or the status quo or squaresville fuckheads the hardest throughout the course of their life, either directly or subversively); Wikipedia Factor (I’ll just read the Wikipedia page and get a gauge on which one seems cooler from that tame ass mainstream mindframe; ideally none of these people would have a wikipedia page); Diversity Factor (do they add something to the genetic mix of the Hall of Learned Elders that no one else does?); Obscurity Factor (aka the Contrarian Factor, or how much do regular lame ass people know and love this person, so as to potentially annoy me with ironic t-shirts or ridiculous banter that causes me to re-evaluate my position in the future because if a complete and utter dumbass thinks the same way as me it’s time to switch gears); and the Personal Factor (final tiebreaker if necessary, which one has infused my personal life with the most direct awesomeness). So let us do this ridiculous thing, where the first one to 4 advantages in factors is the dude or chick who wins…

FIDEL CASTRO vs. GABRIEL DUENEZ
Learned Factor: This is the Hispanic battle, and if I had to hire one to come teach my runaway delinquent boys that hide out on the compound the ways of the world, honestly, I’d go with Duenez. I mean, Castro has ruled a country and now hangs out with dolphins, watching baseball on satellite TV; but Duenez started an obscure sub-genre of music and now is an old guy who repairs air conditioners in Houston. That’s real life shit right there. Advantage: Duenez (1-0).
Death Factor: I almost certainly would not even find out if Gabriel Duenez died until years later probably when some internet hipster world music fucker wrote about him on something I happened to read. So that is a negative. And Castro seems to be settling into that twilight mode where he is trying to show his softer side to drum up attendance at his funeral. Advantage: Castro (tied, 1-1).
Fight Factor: Castro overthrew a government. Duenez played slowed down cumbia music. Advantage: Castro (2-1, Castro).
Wikipedia Factor: Duenez has no wiki page, and Castro’s is long and boring. But I did learn he married a rich Cuban bitch and got to see Cuban money people up close and personal and blew threw a lot of money before getting all crazy nationalist and then turning on those people. It is good to stab the belly of the best from within the beast’s belly sometimes. Advantage: Castro (3-1, Castro).
Diversity Factor: Both are hispanics causing panics, but Duenez is Mexican. I think. At least he made his fame at the flea market in Monterey. I like Mexicans better than Puerto Ricans, and to be honest, I haven’t dealt much with Cubans, but I often imagine Cuban women to have hairy yonis and to be able to shake their ass really well. Still though, Mexico is like Candy Mountain in my brain. Although Duenez lives in Houston though. Whatever. Advantage: Duenez (3-2, Castro).
Obscurity Factor: Not even close. Advantage: Duenez (tied 3-3).
Personal Factor: Don’t get me wrong, I’m as anti-government as anybody, but communism is just another form of government. No government really works. Fuck them all. And I am ruled in my day-to-day life, all throughout it, by music far more than by laws, although the law has a way of getting the way of my good time fairly regularly. Just another reason to be anti-government though. Advantage: Duenez (4-3, Duenez).
WINNER: GABRIEL DUENEZ

GHOSTFACE KILLAH vs. LEMMY KILMISTER
Learned Factor: In a battle of musical heavyweights, and although Ghostface could drop some serious metascience regarding supreme alphabetics and mathematics and which herbs do what for this or that, no person can deny the immense body of knowledge in the brain of Lemmy Kilmister. Dude has seen it all on the personal experience level, and musically, was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix and has lived through multiple eras of hard rock music in the same shitty apartment in L.A., and understands music and the music industry far better than most non-Jews could ever hope to. Advantage: Lemmy (1-0).
Death Factor: Even though a rap career is short as fuck, Ghostface is still a young man by common standards. Lemmy is old as fuck, and what with all the things he’s put into his body, you cannot be sure it all won’t crash on him one day. Then again, he may have found the perfect chemical combo to live forever. Advantage: Lemmy (2-0).
Fight Factor: I would imagine if I gave both these men an army, Ghostface would do more damage. They should have a real life Risk game in some third world place as a reality TV show, where six people are given armies to overtake each other. I mean, that’s basically what we’ve gotten to as a people, isn’t it? Advantage: Ghostface (2-1, Lemmy).
Wikipedia Factor: While Ghostface’s wiki write-up has it’s moments (notably being referred to as “Ghost” for the most part), Lemmy’s has entire sections called “Sex Legend” and Drugs. Like if someone wanted to make up a rock-n-roll story they couldn’t do one quite as good as Lemmy’s real life. Advantage: Lemmy (3-1, Lemmy).
Diversity Factor: Ghostface is the only potential black dude left trying to get into the Hall of Learned Elders. There are a lot of white dudes still around. Advantage: Ghostface (3-2, Lemmy).
Obscurity Factor: Neither is an obscure figure, though a lot of Lemmy’s interesting life was before the age of the internet, so people may not know about the Hawkwind years, much less his youth going to see the Beatles play and being a roadie for Hendrix. There’s probably sites that have every available picture of Ghostface there is all collected together. I hate the internet, even though I am the internet. Advantage: Lemmy (4-2, Lemmy).
WINNER: LEMMY KILMISTER

MIROSLAV TICHY vs. OXANA MALAYA
Learned Factor: In the wacky foreigner battle, it’s not even close when it comes to Learned Factor. Malaya is still in her 20s, while Tichy is an old pervert recluse with a giant beard. Advantage: Tichy (1-0).
Death Factor: Like I said, Malaya is in her 20s, and Tichy is an old ass dude. Advantage: Tichy (2-0).
Fight Factor: Again, Tichy took semi-perverted pictures of people with a camera that looked like scrap cardboard, so that people posed in ways they never would’ve normally. That’s fairly subversive, especially when combined with his anti-society beliefs. Oxana Malaya basically was left to run with street dogs by her drunken parents. Her outlaw status is more environmental conditioning than personal war against normalcy. Advantage: Tichy (3-0).
Wikipedia Factor: Malaya actually has a wiki page, but it’s pretty short, which is to be expected. Tichy’s was pretty damn interesting though, as he has become somewhat known for his work. But in the details of what he did, it’s very much a creative compulsion with no attachment to the final product – more just something he had to do because it was in his brain. I always love that type of shit, especially as I try to think up ways to actually pay bills with my bizarre desire to put words in different orders, which always sucks the life out of me and causes me to not write, which in turn makes my inner-me violent and reckless, causing me to write again, and usually with no real possible monetary outcome. I hate this world. Advantage: Tichy (4-0).
WINNER: MIROSLAV TICHY

JACKIE TYSON vs. JIMMY VALIANT
Learned Factor: This would be the battle between rural Virginian crazy white dudes who fit the lyrics of “Longhaired Country Boy” by Charlie Daniels Band. And while Jimmy Valiant knows many things about specific nonsense, namely the twisted and sordid world of professional wrestling, Jackie Tyson was a long-hauling truck driver for years, and also has experienced probably the same amount of sordidness as Valiant. Plus, Tyson lives nearby and actually comes to my house and schools me on shit, like how to sharpen a chainsaw chain or what plant you can use for a pot scrubber if you don’t have money or how to breed chickens or how awesome it is to get high and sit on the front porch and watch the guinea hens run around in big giant circles when it is mating season for them. Advantage: Tyson (1-0).
Death Factor: I don’t even want to think about Tyson dying, because I might even end up being the one to find him. One time I went to his house and usually his gate is chained up but it was open, so I drove up the mountain, started yelling so he knew it was me, because I know how he is, knocked on the door, again yelling “It’s Raven! It’s Raven!” and he still swung the door open in a mad fit of paranoia with a long-barreled .357 pointing right in my face. He said, “Goddamn boy, you almost got yourself shot!” Hahaha. Real life is awesome sometimes. Advantage: Valiant, so I don’t have to find Tyson (tied 1-1).
Fight Factor: Both of these guys are such good ole boys, it’s hard to imagine them for-real fighting. But Jimmy Valiant did have an epic war with Paul Jones’s Army back in the day. Epic. Advantage: Valiant (2-1, Valiant).
Wikipedia Factor: Of course, Jackie Tyson has no wiki page, and Jimmy Valiant’s – like most wrestlers – page is fucking stupid as hell, hung up on dumb trivia and lists of crap that mean nothing. Still though, he wins by default I guess. Advantage: Valiant (3-1, Valiant).
Diversity Factor: In regular diversity factors, they are both just white dudes. But if you look at their genres, Valiant is a wrestler. I have spent far too much time in my past watching bizarre old wrestling, and for what? Tyson is a real life dude, and that’s what I’d like to have represented in this internet bullshit more than a bunch of goddamned wrestlers anyways. Advantage: Tyson (3-2, Valiant).
Obscurity Factor: Again, not even close. None of you even know who Jackie Tyson is now after I’ve talked about him. Advantage: Tyson (tied, 3-3).
Personal Factor: Although in recent years, since I’ve lived where I does now the past decade, Tyson has been a strong personal real life influence, throughout the course of my life, few pop cultural individuals have tweaked my brain quite like Jimmy Valiant. As a kid, he was probably my hero, more so than any football or baseball player. And plus, for a good part of my childhood, from like age 5 until like age 13, none of us back home really ever saw Tyson except for strange quick drunken flashes, and then he was gone again. Advantage: Valiant (4-3, Valiant).
WINNER: JIMMY VALIANT

CHARLES MANSON vs. DAVID ALLAN COE
Learned Factor: In a showdown between prison guitarists, I have to give the Learned Factor to Charlie Manson. Holmes had a wealth of strong salesmanship back in the late ‘60s, and I am sure has only added to his bizarre repertoire in the forty years he’s spent in maximumly secured oppression ever since. David Allan Coe has been softened by freedom and the political correctness of this outside world. Advantage: Manson (1-0).
Death Factor: As much as I’d like to imagine Charles Manson is going to live until he is 300 years old, until they basically are forced to release him from prison because he’s served his actual sentences, or the American government that holds him captive disintegrates around him, thus becoming free again through sheer perseverance, this probably isn’t going to really happen. Actually, fuck that, it will. If you don’t believe in ATWA, it won’t believe in you. Still though, he is old. Advantage: Manson (2-0).
Fight Factor: Not even close. Manson wanted to abduct and kill cops but remove their uniforms and leave them in the seats of the cop car to look like they were just vaporized. That’s some next level fight factor right there. Advantage: Manson (3-0).
Wikipedia Factor: David Allan Coe’s wiki page is surprisingly short, and just leads you to shit to buy eventually. Manson’s is a meandering history of the dude that leads, eventually, to all sorts of strange tribute sites, which in turn causes me to look up strange cults and then go to Acid Sweat Lodge and finally just listen to Black Sabbath in the back yard real fucking loud. Advantage: Manson (4-0).
WINNER: CHARLES MANSON