NFL WEEK 4: NFC South & East - 1st Quarter

Three weeks into the NFL season and the hubbub is how they are going to expand to 18 games. Yet, looking back through these first few weeks, and the overall ebb and flow of teams who look awesome then suck, and the abundance of 1-2 and 2-1 teams, I think I may be in the minority of wishing they would not expand further. Seems like we’ve somehow already found a way to make regular season games more meaningless, and throwing an extra two weeks into the mix is only going to make more early week games stupid and more of the late season. But they will do it anyways, because the NFL is going to squeeze the shit out of the golden goose, until people stop caring. Fucking dumbasses.
Anyways, this week we take a stroll through the NFC East and South. The NFC East has a pretty high opinion of itself usually, but this year seems more overrated than ever before. The NFC South, well, it’s the NFC South – a clusterfuck of teams where two are always really good and two are not so good. Tampa Bay is trying to confuse things this year but they will either come back to earth or either Drew Brees or Matt Ryan will get injured. But I digress. Let’s go through these divisions…

#1: ATLANTA FALCONS (2-1, 3rd overall) – By virtue of a shitty field goal kicker in New Orleans, the Falcons are by default the Kings of the South, National style. At this point, the NFC is basically a bunch of teams that might be good or might be not so good depending on injuries, so it’s gonna be more survival of the fittest than dominant team. The Falcons are perfectly capable of being the fittest survivor. Somehow I have a Matt Ryan jersey, and I feel like a chump when I wear it because people might think I’m a for-real Falcons fan. But my life is nothing but chumpiness. THIS WEEK: at home hosting the falling apart and winless San Francisco 49ers in an old NFC West rivalry.

#2: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-1, 12th overall) – Haha, Garrett Hartley really fucked his deal up. They brought old ass John Carney back into New Orleans camp this week, and that Hartley dude was still having to hang around even though he blew it last weekend, big time. It’d be better to just get cut and hope to catch on with another team somewhere than have to stalk around silently, the smallest dude on a team, everybody hating you, expecting to get finger-raped in the shower, not taking a shower, going out to your car and it’s been flipped over onto its roof by the practice squad offensive linemen, going home and your wife is gone, with a note that she’ll be a Devery Henderson’s house for a little while, don’t wait up. Man. THIS WEEK: welcoming the Carolina Panthers into the Superdome for an ass-kicking.

#3: DALLAS COWBOYS (1-2, 13th overall) – You know, I did this thing a long time ago called the Psychic Champions of the NFL where I took the team that won the first NFL season ever and basically they had like a boxing title that switched to the other team whenever the titleholder lost in the regular season or playoffs. In all those years, you’d be surprised how the more popular teams of the NFL have held it the most, and it really reinforces the psychic championship factor. Why do I bring this up? Because the Cowboys, after winning one game finally, are still considered a somewhat righted shit that could win it all in their home stadium. They are usually right there in that psychic shit, that’s why I bring it up. It’s actually been kinda creepy since I kept up with that nonsense, because the whole team in the conference championship game that will obviously lose is very apparent, although the Saints run last year went against all that. I would assume a Steelers vs. Cowboys or Packers Super Bowl this year, from my seven-headed tentacle beast data. THIS WEEK: cocaine and hookers, no game.

#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (2-1, 14th overall) – I am all about some Mike Vick era. Shit man, if they wear those throwbacks they wore in the first week, I might even root for them against my own Redskins. Then again, Philly people are dirtbags. Not God-fearing country dirtbags like I’m used to either but urbanified dirtbags, who ain’t even black. It’s scary. THIS WEEK: Donovan McNabb’s legbone, much drunkenness, getting ready for the Phillies playoff games.

#5: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (2-1, 18th overall) – My preseason bullshit I did at Heavy.com, I calculated the Buccaneers to go 2-14 on the year. I would imagine they’ll beat my prediction. Your loss, suckers! No first overall draft pick! THIS WEEK: no game for the Bucs.

#6: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (1-2, 19th overall) – Oh man, so much to say, so many thoughts running through my head, so much frustration because of something I have absolutely no control over whatsoever. The fact this team constantly feels like it is better than its record shows, and how they always feel there is just a piece or two needed to be Super Bowl champions, all that is a sign of how deluded Dan Snyder is, and how my beloved Redskins will never be worth a shit again, ever FUCKING EVER until he is no longer owner of the team. This is why I have a pancreatic cancer Dan Snyder voodoo doll. Really. It might seem trite and not cool of me, but really, I have been emotionally married to the Redskins long before I knew that dude was even a human being. And he has pissed and trampled on my emotions for over a decade now. Self-preservation requires that I black magic him towards death. THIS WEEK: marched like Christians into the Eagles (who will be playing the role of lions) den.

#7: NEW YORK GIANTS (1-2, 26th overall) – It is fun to see the Giants suck. There really have been few head coaches who are more unloveable than Tom Coughlin. And Eli Manning, he’s like all the personality suck of being a Manning, but without the great fantasy numbers to cause you to forgive him once every four years when you end up with him on your team. THIS WEEK: Sunday night football for them again already? They play the Chicago Bears at the new Meadowlands.

#8: CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-3, 31st overall) – The Panthers have finally gotten bad enough for Bill Cowher to officially announce he wants to coach again. He has sat snug, much to Panthers’ ownership chagrin, as John Fox always did just good enough to not justify getting shit-canned at head coach. Luckily for everybody except John Fox, the Panthers are a train wreck this year. This should mean Bill Cowher, head coach Carolina Panthers by April of 2011. Mark my words. THIS WEEK: At New Orleans. Crushed.