But I digress. Let us wander through the AFC East and South, using my metascientifical ranking system to position them in a power ranking sort of way, just not quite so fucking stupid, at least in my own brain. IT IS SEMI-SCIENTIFIC!
#1: NEW YORK JETS (3-1, 2nd overall) – I have to say that the Rex Ryan N.Y. Jets with full swagger, getting back their miscreant Santonio Holmes WR this week after other miscreant WR Braylon Edwards got a DUI last week but still played and basically helped win the game, plus the mouthy swagger of the defense, I like this shit. New York football has meant the Giants far too often, and the Giants have always been a vanilla ass team. I mean fuck, when they won the Super Bowl a few years back, Jeremy Shockey pretty much was riding the bench because he was TOO MUCH OF A DISTRACTION to Eli Manning’s adult contemporary huddle stylings. Ever since L.T., their black defensive monsters have all been cuddly and marketable. Fuck that. New York City is supposed to be grimy and fucked up and your window into every type of perversion known to the American continent. Of course, NYC has been scrubbed up and sterilized a good bit, and neither of the New York football teams are in New York proper. Still though, this 2010 Jets seems like something that could drum up that grimy pride. And for that, I am thankful for Rex Ryan’s fat fucking ass. Good job Papa Buddy. THIS WEEK: hosting the Minnesota Vikings on Monday night football. Now with the Brett Favre cock pics being a story, it is more interesting than it was before. I wonder if Ryan leaked that shit to the press?
#2: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (3-1, 5th overall) – So they traded Randy Moss. Whatever. There is no room for any star on this team other than Tom Brady. And at some point, Bill Belichick is gonna think he can get by without even Brady, just like he done in Drew Bledsoe back in the day, and he’ll replace him too. Bill Belichick is the biggest fucking ego in the NFL. To seem him lose and suffer is to embrace freedom. Ironic that he coaches the Patriots; probably part of a covert mass consciousness campaign by the Department of Defense though. THIS WEEK: off like a motherfucker.
#3: HOUSTON TEXANS (3-1, 7th overall) – They seemed like they were good, then like maybe not. Who knows? They are the Texans so have yet to carve an actual identity. Even if they make the playoffs, they still will not have an identity. They should just hire Earl Campbell to be the GM. He couldn’t do worse than Matt Millen did. I saw a dude at the Burger King the other week in an authentic throwback Earl Campbell jersey. I contemplated running over him and taking it. Shit was pimp. THIS WEEK: hosting the New York Football Stupid Fucking Giants, in what should be a boring as fuck game.
#4: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (2-2, 10th overall) – Haha, eat shit Peyton Manning, with your stupid fucking face, pointing in nineteen directions, cocking your foot all high in what would be a false start for any other QB in the league, running around like an Armenian in a round room being told to go sit in the corner. I hate you Peyton Manning. THIS WEEK: looking to stay above .500, hosting the only undefeated team left in the NFL in the Kansas City Chiefs, in a battle of a not-so-great team with the best record and a great team with a not-so-great record.
#5: MIAMI DOLPHINS (2-2, 15th overall) – The Dolphins are another team that seems okay but lacks an identifiable identity. I keep waiting for Parcells to just freak out and like choke somebody or start showing up on the sidelines. Yet at the same time, this 2010 NFL is pretty lacking in identity as well. It’s become like the NBA in that everybody could beat anybody, and really nothing matters until you figure out which of the 23 equally capable teams makes the playoffs, to see which of the 5 possible winners wins. Yawn. THIS WEEK: cold chilling, gangbanging the Kardashians, maybe get a DUI or two, visit the old college.
#6: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-2, 25th overall) – David Garrard continues to do just enough to not be replaced, as does Jack Del Rio each season. They have mastered the Norv Turner Method for Continuous NFL Employment. THIS WEEK: on the road at Buffalo in a game that will surely be played.
#7: TENNESSEE TITANS (2-2, 26th overall) – Jeff Fisher is the longest tenured head coach in the NFL. But if he’s such a goddamned genius how did he end up with Vince Young and Kerry Collins as his QB alternatives? THIS WEEK: at Dallas in a late Sunday afternoon CBS game, where we can see if these Cowboys are for real for two games in a row or not.
#8: BUFFALO BILLS (0-4, 30th overall) – Boy, the Bills traded Marshawn Lynch for a draft pick. They’ve really just given up at this point. I know they have C.J. Spiller who could be the next Adrian Peterson. Except he’s playing in Buffalo, so he more than likely will just end up being the next Marshawn Lynch. THIS WEEK: up above I talked about it that they was playing the Jaguars and nobody will really care.
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