My mathematical metascientifical scoring scale that really doesn’t take shape the first part of the year, looking it over top to bottom this week, I can rest comfortably that my pseudo-science is 100% up-and-running now. This shit is money now that we are in the 2nd quarter of the NFL season 2010 the year of our what it is, and better than any power rankings you will find anywhere inside the interwebs. I mean that with all my pig heart.
Second quarter cycle through the NFL league, we will go directional, and the absolute worst total record of member franchises after last week’s game is without a doubt the West divisions. So let us dissect, briefly analyze, and wise quip about those 8 teams…
#1: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (3-1, 12th overall) – If you’ve followed the Chiefs immense drafts the past five years, it’s not totally hard to believe they’re overachieving this year. Even before Bill Belichick disciples took over all prominent positions in this organization, they were stockpiling draft picks and filling their roster with the young and hungry under Big Perm Edwards. The main problem for the Chiefs is that Matt Cassel has not turned out to be Cinderalla. He is Drizzella or Ruella or whatever the fuck Cinderella’s half-sisters were named. What the fuck was up with Cinderella anyways? If that was her step-mom and step-sisters, where was her dad? Had he died already? If he had, why was Cinderella kicking it in the mansion with those asshole bitches? Shouldn’t she have bolted by then and living in the outskirts of Memphis with an alcoholic landscape company operator, and singing in the church choir? THIS WEEK: At Los Texanos del Houston, in a battle of early season AFC teams that I guess might finally be good but maybe not.
#2: DENVER BRONCOS (2-3, 15th overall) – The Broncos seem like they will be just barely not the worst but not quite good for years to come. It’s like Josh McDaniels suffers from Norv Turner disease, just he’s one level below him, which unfortunately means that the Broncos will never finish better than 2nd in the AFC West. And before you read other people talking of pro football be like, “We should change the NFL playoffs so that these inferior western teams do not get automatic berths and home games because it is not just at all,” let me just say that it’s perfectly fine the way it is. Ebbs and flows, and though the two Wests have mostly been ebbing for a long ass minute on the NFL timeline, ultimately what does that matter? It’s a great honor to be King of the Retards and invited to host a big football game in January to be shown late afternoon on Sunday and close out the first week of the playoffs. THIS WEEK: The Broncodors are hosting those dastardly New York Jets a Mile High into the Sky this coming weekend, and you can bet your bottom dollar that Mark Sanchez is gonna join the Mile High club. Of all NFL starting QBs, Kyle Orton seems like the most straight up bro of them all, so I always wish him success, especially when he grows that sparse drunkard white guy beard that he usually does.
#3: ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-2, 19th overall) – Okay, somehow the Cardinals have a winning record. They started the season with Matt Leinart as their QB and Derek Anderson the back-up, yet Leinart was run off in the preseason for being a whiny bitch, and Derek Anderson got benched for being a Derek Anderson. Now an undrafted Mormon is leading their team, and they actually beat the Saints last week. More importantly, does Kurt Warner approve of Mormonism? Is it an acceptable offshoot of Christianity or a twisted cult? Mormon colleges are pretty good at converting Samoans and getting them to play at their colleges, but what if Jesus-happy native Americans aka Indians had a football game against Mormon Samoans, for the right to open an offshore island casino to fund a mega-church outside of Phoenix? Is Reverend Gene Scott still alive? Is Jack Chick just one guy or a group of people? What the fuck? THIS WEEK: The Cardinals are off on a bye week, wandering through the desert. I wish the NFL wasn’t so stodgy and corporate and the guy who runs the Los Zetas Cartel in Mexico bought the Cardinals like this weekend, with cash, and he changed the name to Arizona Zetas, and when they played the Cowboys in Arizona later this year and there were too many Cowboys fans in attendance and the Cowboys won, they found Jerry Jones head at an elementary school the next morning, but never found the rest of the body. And the head was still smiling because the skin was like a djembe drum.
#4: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-2, 21st overall) – I imagine Marshawn Lynch returning to his west coast roots is going to reinvigorate his career and he’ll rush for 40,000 yards and 59 TDs the rest of this year. I imagine that because I had no good RBs and got him on one of my two fantasy teams, both of which are 2-3 and fucking suck. Whatever though, the real life Redskins are actually winning just barely more than they lose, and that is more important to me. I WILL NOT HAVE MY LOYALTIES COMPROMISED BY DORK FETISHES! THIS WEEK: The Seahoohas come off their bye week to take a trip to Chicago to play the Bears, perhaps the worst 4-1 team the NFL has seen in quite some time. Still though, like many NFL match-up thus far this year, one of these teams will inevitably have to win, and seem like they are good by doing so.
#5: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (2-3, 24th overall) – There really is no more loathsome head coach/starting QB pair in the NFL than Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers. I mean, you might think the Cowboys, but Wade Phillips is like Ralph Wiggum all growed up and Tony Romo is just your average superstar athlete repressed closeted homosexual waiting for his career to end so he and Mike Piazza can have a reality TV show together on Bravo. Norv Turner is just annoying, and Phillip Rivers is the worst man-child there is. He has flown under the radar for long enough, but him being from N.C. State in college, I have heard secondhand stories about what a self-important bitch he is in real life. It is always good to see dudes like that suffer in their future endeavors. THIS WEEK: They are at the Rams, which should be a win, which means it might not be. This is referred to as the Norvell Turner Dilemma.
#6: OAKLAND RAIDERS (2-3, 26th overall) – Unfortunately for Raiders fans, that win last week over the Chargers has infused Al Davis with enough life force to live an additional three years. THIS WEEK: Oh snap! Raiders at 49ers in a battle of storied franchise with some pages missing from the book this year.
#7: ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-3, 27th overall) – Sam Bradford looks younger than my oldest kid, who is an 11-year-old girl. I cannot take the Rams seriously. And aside from him and Stephen Jackson, they have not a single person I have heard of on offense. Seriously, most of their offensive starting line-up looks like Madden created names once you are 15 years into a franchise mode game. THIS WEEK: They be playing the San Diego Superchargers, whose QB Phillip Rivers will hopefully be imitating the St. Louis Arch with his mouth yet again.
#8: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-5, 29th overall) – I watched that Sunday night game against the Eagles and I was really struck by the Mike Singletary/Alex Smith dynamic. I was also struck by how intimidating Mike Singletary looks in his Malcolm X prescription glasses yelling at people on the sideline. Hopefully he reads passages from Soul On Ice to the team during meetings. THIS WEEK: Raiders – 49ers – at whatever Candlestick Park is paid to be called at this point in time. Man, wouldn’t it be great if it turned into a giant grudge match and there were fights galore and at some point during the game Mike Singletary and Tom Cable were standing at the 50-yard-line, slugging it the fuck out? Yeah, that would be the best.
2 comments:
Will SanFran ever let Brian Westbrook do anything at all?
I would imagine there's not much left in those legs, judging by how he played last year. That dude is crazy anyways considering he had multiple concussions last year. I was reading some shit the other day about the reason they are so strict about it now is because studies show if you get a second concussion while the first one has not gone away, you pretty much are guaranteed to not only have brain damage but die early.
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