Anyways, this week in my power scale metascientific index, we plug in the North division filters, and shall shenanigan our way through those eight teams, discussing trivial items, and perhaps making a point or two, and maybe even entertaining somebody, but mostly just wasting a whole lot of fucking time. And away we stroll…
#1: BALTIMORE RAVENS (4-2, 3rd overall) – The Ravens are 3rd overall in the NFL according to my highly infallible system, even with two losses. Granted, there are no for-real knock-out teams obvious on the landscape yet, but the Ravens are sort of a boring team to watch play football. Some would have you believe this is throwback smashmouth football, but I would tell you otherwise. It’s just boring. They should change their uniforms to orange to match the Orioles. And I saw a picture one time of Ray Rice’s thighs and it was kinda disgusting. It actually made me want to vomit. THIS WEEK: they host the worst team in professional football – the Buffalo Bills.
#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (4-1, 4th overall) – Man, more than any other team, there is always some sort of nonsense going on with the Steelers. Either Roethlisberger has done something with his penis or Polamalu is too pretty, and then this week after getting fined for obliterating some sort of Al Qaeda operative who played for the Cleveland Browns, James Harrison is like, “Man, fuck this, I’m quitting.” Those black alternate uniforms with the yellow helmets they wore last weekend, that shit is the bomb though. Speaking of uniform colors, and matching a baseball team, one of the great things about Pittsburgh major sports teams is they all rock the same colors. I do not understand why other cities don’t roll with that style too. I guess every franchise wants to pretend their dick is the hardest and the main game in town, but come on man, you could paint the entire city of Pittsburgh black and gold and it would rep the city year-round. Solid. THIS WEEK: on the road at Miami, who are playing surprisingly well, although not that surprising because Bill Parcells is a sneaky fucker, in what should be a pretty good game.
#3: GREEN BAY PACKERS (3-3, 15th overall) – Once again, the Packers are cursed with injuries, and are not going to fulfill the destiny Packers leadership has promised all the fat clogged artery cold-natured fans of their once they were officially like, “Okay Brett, fuck off.” The Packers should rock an alternate helmet that is green with the white G on it. Everybody should rock alternate everything, and you of course have to sell alternate green jerseys for your team if you are in a northeast city with a bunch of fucking Irish people. Actually, I guess if retarded Nike is going to take over NFL uniform deals in the coming years, judging from how Nike has screwed up everything they’ve done with college uniforms (see Oregon Ducks), I would imagine we’re only about three years away from NFL teams having 12 different uniforms per year, mixing and matching 3 helmets with 5 jerseys and 3 pants plus special socks on big games. Fucking Nike. THIS WEEK: Sunday night football from Lambeau Field, hosting archrival the Vikings and arch-nemesis Brett Gunslinger. It will be a thing, I am sure.
#4: CHICAGO BEARS (4-2, 18th overall) – In case you are the type like myself who likes to delude yourself into thinking reality ain’t real because some wacky numbers you saw seem better than what’s real, let me assure you, the Bears fucking suck. They are a weak weak weak 4-2. I have a lot of specific hatred talking points for the Bears in my brain, but it’s Redskins vs. Bears week, so I will save that shit talk for Armchair Linebacker. THIS WEEK: hosting my beloved Redskins. I’ll be at my moms’s house too so I’ll have to watch it in my non-home environment.
#5: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-3, 21st overall) – The Vikings/Cowboys game last weekend was an elimination match, or so they are saying, between two prominent overhyped franchises. Ultimately, I think the perfect ending to Brett Favre’s career would be for him to Ol’ Gunslinger it up for one more year – in Dallas, with all those weapons and Tony Romo being outed by Jerry Jones during the offseason so as to shame him out of the NFL. The Ol’ Gunslinger, with the Cowboys, it’s a match made in Heaven. And hopefully there’s an earthquake and that garish stadium and that retarded QB and that freak-faced owner all get sucked into an oil pit fourteen sedimentary layers into the earth. THIS WEEK: at the Packers like I said.
#6: CINCINNATI BENGALS (2-3, 22nd overall) – Carson Palmer, alleged superstar QB, has certainly not really fulfilled his superstar destiny. But on the bright side, so far as I remember, nobody has gotten arrested this year, or thrown from a moving truck, or did something overly ridiculous as a primadonna WR to call attention to themselves even though no one cares anymore. My favorite thing about the Bengals was when T.J. Houshmanzadeh played for them because he was Hindu and I imagined him having actual bengali tigers living in a mansion and fucking the flyest bitches ever from Bollywood, two at a time. Now Houshmanzadeh plays in Baltimore, and he has a ponytail, which means he’s involved in some sort of bullshit with Prop Joe in my mind now. My mind is a fucking stupid, twisted, mixed together mess of pop culture, creative aspirations, and schizophrenic illusions. THIS WEEK: travelling down to the ATL to take on the Falcons.
#7: CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-5, 27th overall) – The Browns, who are starting a 13-year-old as their QB right now, had multiple offensive scoring threats just get leveled off the field last week at the hands of the Steelers. It was ugly, even if all you watched were the highlights. The Browns, they are not so great. THIS WEEK: who cares? They are playing the Saints in New Orleans, which hopefully bodes well for my one fantasy team with Drew Brees, as half of both my teams either got injured or are on bye weeks.
#8: DETROIT LIONS (1-5, 30th overall) – The Lions seem to be pretty much doomed, no matter how hard they try not to be. Like seriously, it’s sad to see played out on a yearly scale, almost seems unfair. Like the NFL should let them have an expansion draft just to beef themselves up by taking players from other teams or something. They seem like they may be moving in a better direction, but there is something cosmically out of alignment regarding this team, causing them to never get over that hump. I mean, they had the best fucking RB of our generation in Barry Sanders, a guy who made Walter Payton seem forgettable, and still somehow all they got out of his ENTIRE CAREER was a playoff win or two. I don’t think they even made an NFC Championship game. Sad. THIS WEEK: taking a chill for a week, to come back ready to fight for susu, or whatever ancient white people word that old who walked a long ass ways was yacking about during the preseason.
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