#1: OREGON DUCKS (4-0, 46.750 avg. margin of victory, #1 last week) – The Ducks opened up Pac-10 play be beating Arizona State, 42 to 31, and are ranked #4 in the Division I AP poll. This weekend, they host Stanford (who is further down on this list) in what will probably decide who is Pac-10 champion this year while USC is in timeout.
#2: TRINE THUNDER (3-0, 46.333 avg. margin of victory, #4 last week) – Trine had last weekend off, and by virtue of not doing shit, moved up one notch in this list, and up to #10 in the Division III rankings.
#3: AMHERST LORD JEFFS (1-0, 44.000 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – Kind of unfair, as Amherst is in the New England Small College Athletic Conference, which just started play last weekend, and Amherst hosted and whooped up on Bates College, 44 to 0. They will likely not be on this list for long, although I love shitty little small colleges in New England with team nicknames like the Lord Jeffs. It’s a real world out there, with a lot of little strange real things.
#4: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (3-0, 42.667 avg. margin of victory, #8 last week) – The Warhawks were off last weekend, sit tight at the top of the Division III poll, and jump four spots in this stupid thing that I do for no real reason whatsoever other than I am a fucking idiot with a retard brain inclined to fret over trivial bullshit involving sports.
#5: DAKOTA WESLEYAN TIGERS (3-0, 41.667 avg. margin of victory, #5 last week) – The Tigers won 37 to 3 on the road at Doane last weekend, yet are still unranked in the NAIA poll. Yes, there is a poll for the NAIA, which I think stands for National American Interplaces Athleticshit.
#6: MOUNT UNION PURPLE RAIDERS (3-0, 37.333 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – It was only a matter of time before Mount Union made the list, as they have been the most dominant team in any division of college football over the last decade. At one point, they had lost only one or two of their last 100 games. They opened this season with three road games, leaving the cozy confines of somewhere in Ohio. The first week, they only beat Wisconsin-Oshkosh 45 to 28, so had to whip John Carroll 51 to 7 two weeks ago, and Wilmington College, 51 to 0 last weekend, to get on the Bully List. Usually, as I have tinkered with this dumb shit for three or four years now, they end up at the top before the Division III playoffs start in December.
#7: BETHUNE-COOKMAN WILDCATS (3-0, 36.333 avg. margin of victory, #2 last week) – If Bethune-Cookman can only beat a relatively normal Norfolk State team, 21 to 7, then now I understand why they aren’t ranked in the Division IAA poll.
#8: MCPHERSON BULLDOGS (3-0, 36.333 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – They have not scored less than 45 points in a game, have not won by less than 32 points, and are the #7 ranked team in NAIA football, and I still have no idea where they are. Actually, I assume they are in Kansas since that is in the name of their football conference. I wonder if they even play with 11 players?
#9: CLAREMONT-MUDD-SCRIPPS STAGS (2-0, 36.000 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – This team, which I think is a news service from the 1980s, did not play last week, and has only played twice thus far. Last game they played, they beat something called the Brooklyn Tigers. Sometimes I wonder if the interwebs is a completely made up thing and my life is a big experiment and they just put shit like this into the programming to see if I notice it inside all of my stupid parameter-driven nonsense. Nice attention to detail though, because the Claremont-Mudd-Scripps teams that are male are called the Stags, and the female teams are the Athenas. At one point, my oldest kid was practicing Greek religion, talking about all the Gods and Goddesses all the time. She would be stoked.
#10: ST. THOMAS TOMMIES (4-0, 35.250 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – St. Thomas is another Division III powerhouse, currently ranked #5, and are part of my favorite small college rivalry that I don’t know shit about. You see, they play in the Minnesota Intercollegiate Athletic Conference, and are the St. Thomas Tommies, and have a cross-state rivalry with the St. John’s Johnnies, in a match-up of super-creative nickname proportions.
#11: ST. XAVIER COUGARS (4-0, 35.250 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – Another NAIA team, from somewhere in Illinois this time, and ranked #4 in the NAIAs. One nerd football site I look at says they are 5-0 already, but the main nerd football site (some dude at the University of Wisconsin who does all these wacky computer formulas for every team in the United States, which I don’t use his computer shit; just his is the best and easiest place inside the interwebs that has all standings of all divisions of football) says they are 4-0, so that is what I will go with.
#12: ABILENE CHRISTIAN WILDCATS (4-0, 35.000 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) - #5 in NCAA Division II, and jump into the countdown on the strength of ass-stomping Tarleton State in Abilene last weekend, 65 to 3.
#13: OHIO STATE BUCKEYES (4-0, 34.750 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – The Buckeyes are the true definition of a Bully List team, as they’ve spent the first four weeks of their season mostly whooping up on lower tier Division IA teams, like Eastern Michigan last weekend, who they paid healthily to come to Columbus and get waxed 73 to 20. They are #2 in the country as well.
#14: STANFORD CARDINAL (4-0, 34.250 avg. margin of victory, #13 last week) – Ranked #9 in the country, and heading into a big game at Oregon this coming weekend. I wonder what retarded fucking uniforms the Ducks will wear this time? Man, Nike is really doing everything they can to force outrageously stupid football uniforms on the world.
Gone from the list from last week: #3 Lindenwood Lions (lost at Mid-America Nazarene, 26 to 20), #6 Maine Maritime Mariners (lost at Fitchburg State, 46 to 44, in what looks to have been a drunk-worthy game), #7 Salisbury State Sea Gulls (lost at home to Hampden-Sydney – which I used to live in a trailer park right down the road from – 32 to 28), #9 Wittenberg Tigers (won at Alleghany, but only 24 to 21, lowering their average margin of victory), #10 Utica Pioneers (beat Wilkes, but only 24 to 10; I wonder if Wilkes is actually the only thing on earth that separates the whole Wilkes-Barre thing?), #11 North Central Cardinals (only beat Wisconsin-Eau Claire, 20 to 6), #12 Alabama Crimson Tide (barely won at Arkansas, 24 to 10), and #14 Walsh Cavaliers (only beat Urbana at home by one, 34 to 33).
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