S14: Worst College Football Teams

And let us look upon the worst forms of collegiate football known to American men and women in the academic semester of fall 2010 thus far not even to October. I can tell you from looking at search terms that get to my stupid fucking blog that far more people are looking up their terrible college teams than their good ones to get here, most likely because nobody else gives the worst so much weekly gloss. What can I say? I love the downtrodden. Well here they are, thus far…

#1: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-4, 60.750 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last week) – To the Steers credit, they only lost by 59 to Northwestern Oklahoma State last weekend, shaving their average margin of defeat down by about half a point. Plus, they had only scored 3 points in their first three games, but rallied for 20 last week. (Yes, that means the other team scored 79 if you know maths.) Congratulations guys!

#2: HUSSON EAGLES (0-4, 48.000 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last week) – Well, they lost 47 to 21 at SUNY-Maritime last weekend, but come home this week to host the unwon Gallaudet Fightin’ Deaf Dudes this weekend. IT’S HOMECOMING IN BANGOR FOR THE HUSSON MIGHTY MIGHTY EAGLES! If they can’t win this gimme game, then they go to Anna Maria next week, which is like the absolute worst team in college football other than Texas College.

#3: CONCORDIA FALCONS (0-3, 48.000 avg. margin of defeat, #6 last week) – Somehow, by not playing, poor little Concordia University from Mequon, Wisconsin, moved up three spots in this stupid thing. A pair of home games against Rockford and then the traditionally not-so-good Maranatha Bible College the next two weeks gives the CU student body a good chance to give themselves alcohol poisoning though.

#4: NEW MEXICO LOBOS (0-4, 46.000 avg. margin of defeat, #3 last week) – Statistically the worst team in Division IA college football. Luckily for them though, they started Mountain West play and “only” lost at UNLV, 45 to 10. Their game to close out the year against TCU might end up being the worst blowout in IA all year long. Also, what the fuck is wrong with football in New Mexico? New Mexico State, as well as a small college called New Mexico Highlands, are all without wins and all regularly blown out. Those other two are just off the top 14 for this week.

#5: EDWARD WATERS TIGERS (0-4, 45.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – I’m not sure how many Historically Black Colleges there are in the NAIAs ranks, but Edward Waters is one of them, located in Jacksonville, Florida. Because of this, they have a hodgepodge schedule against teams from various divisions of the NCAA as well as NAIA. Last week, South Alabama stomped them 64 to 0 though. Thus, they cracked our Shit List.

#6: BATES BOBCATS (0-1, 44.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Just opened the season last weekend, getting stomped by Amherst. You would assume they wouldn’t get stomped that badly every week though.

#7: OLIVET FIGHTING COMETS (0-4, 40.500 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Three home games in a row for Olivet College has resulted in losses of 37 to 7, 52 to 9, and 61 to 14 (last weekend against Wheaton). I mean, I guess they’re scoring a little more each week, so maybe there’s something to be hopeful for. I guess. Also, the Fighting Comets is some straight up 1950s bullshit.

#8: LIVINGSTONE BLUE BEARS (0-5, 40.000 avg. margin of defeat, #8 last week) – It’s homecoming this week in Salisbury, North Carolina, for the Blue Bears, with Shaw University coming to town. They have not scored more than 8 points in a game all year long, but at least held St. Paul’s to only 27 points last weekend in South Hill, Virginia, where I used to go kick it with an older woman sometimes back in my high school days. She found Jesus and I went away to college and whatever, that’s how shit goes. One of the sad aspects to the CIAA having so many members now is that the equally unable to win Chowan Hawks team doesn’t get to play against Livingstone this year.

#9: KENTUCKY CHRISTIAN KNIGHTS (0-4, 40.000 avg. margin of defeat, #14 last week) – They actually didn’t even play last week, but somehow stayed pat and moved up five spots on the Shit List. They have a very special Thursday night game this week at Georgetown College in a showdown of Kentucky schools very few have heard of.

#10: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-4, 39.250 avg. margin of defeat, #5 last week) – A relatively respectable 21 to 7 loss at Avila last weekend helped the Wildcats not be so fucking terrible on this list. And there are still dudes looking up how bad Culver-Stockton football is coming to my blog. Hey random guy showing up here, won’t you please tell me a specific example of just how bad this team is? Thanks for sharing.

#11: MACMURRAY HIGHLANDERS (0-4, 39.250 avg. margin of defeat, #11 last week) – Hosted Bethany, and only lost by 31 points, thus holding tight at the #11 spot. I was gonna make a Highlander chop off your head joke, but that’s too obvious, so instead I’m gonna hurry up and finish this so I can masturbate.

#12: ANNA MARIA CATS (0-4, 38.750 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last week) – Well, they moved down the list 8 spots, but did it by losing to Becker, 42 to 31. That was probably their best chance this year at actually winning a game.

#13: HASKELL FIGHTING INDIANS (0-4, 36.750 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – So they didn’t even play last weekend, but this NAIA team cracked our list. I looked up the Haskell Indian Nations University to see what it was all about, and it’s open only to registered members of native tribes, has no tuition, and total fees to attend a semester come out to less than $250. This makes me believe that starting my Rojonekku University is not such a pipe dream.

#14: DAKOTA STATE TROJANS (0-4, 36.250 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – The Trojans make the list after losing to something called the South Dakota School of Mines, 41 to 14, at home in Madison, South Dakota. In fact, the Dakota Athletic Conference is an NAIA group of 8 teams all based in either North or South Dakota. I bet there are some crazy ass white dudes on those teams, small town sheltered bursting at the molecules insane whiteboys.

Gone from the list from last week: #7 La Verne Leopards (only lost 30 to 3 against Linfield, decreasing their average margin of defeat enough to escape the Shit List), #9 Chowan Hawks (only lost 20 to 13 at home against Virginia State), #10 Western State Mountaineers (lost a nailbiter at home against Nebraska-Kearney, 13 to 6), #12 Valparaiso Crusaders (only lost by 2 at home, 21 to 19, against Drake; I love how none of these teams are winning their way off the Shit List – they just don’t get blown out quite so badly), and #13 Becker Hawks (beat Anna Maria at home – the highlight of these guys’ year).