S14: Best College Football Teams

Wow, here I am three weeks in and still doing this weekly. I guess I’m a straight up sucker for looking at mostly meaningless sports-related numbers and shuffling them around in order. Probably goes back to when I was a kid collecting baseball cards and I’d spend every free hour after school just putting them in different orders. Thousands and thousands of these things. Separating them by teams, picking out the ones where you could see the dude’s number. Ridiculous obsessive compulsive nonsense. My oldest kid is the same way. She spent her allowance on yarn and knitting needles and has been knitting zombies and ninjas and grim reapers ever since. Is that shit genetic? Who knows? The brain, man, it’s something else.
Anyways, here be the top 14 teams in college football’s all divisions this week, with the determining criteria being they are undefeated, and then who has the highest average margin of victory. That shit should be obvious but I just want to state it outright as well though.

#1: SOUTH ALABAMA JAGUARS (4-0, 46.750 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – My apologies to the fine folks of the University of South Alabama, who just started up a football team this year. They went about it a little different than other start-ups in college football though, running a club team in previous years to ease into an actual team in NCAA Division I-AA (or Football Subdivider Championship Shit That Ain’t On Regular TV class). From what I see, it looks like they are playing all home games this year. Also, I have not found the full schedule, but hopefully they play North Alabama somewhere this season, and both are undefeated at that point. Fuck Alabama vs. Auburn.

#2: OREGON DUCKS (5-0, 41.600 avg. margin of victory, #1 last week) – Fell behind Stanford early on in their showdown last week in Oregon, and then fucking straight woodshed whipped their ass, 52 to 31. They could be a legit national title contender, which is odd for non-USC teams from the Pac-10 (currently ranked #3 in the AP Top 25).

#3: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (4-0, 40.000 avg. margin of victory, #4 last week) – The Warhawks - #1 team in NCAA Division III – went to Platteville and whipped up on Wisconsin-Platteville, 49 to 17.

#4: AMHERST LORD JEFFS (2-0, 37.500 avg. margin of victory, #3 last week) – So I thought they would be a one hit wonder from a small Division III conference that apparently only plays an inside the conference schedule. But then they went on the road and crushed Bowdoin 38 to 7. So the Lord Jeffs ride our Bully List for a second week. Go ahead whiteboys.

#5: TRINE THUNDER (4-0, 36.750 avg. margin of victory, #2 last week) – The thundering Thunder from wherever the fuck Trine University is at took a tumble in our Bully List, because they could only beat Adrian at Adrian 24 to 16. They are still ranked #10 in Division III though. Try harder!

#6: BETHUNE-COOKMAN WILDCATS (4-0, 36.500 avg. margin of victory, #7 last week) – The traditionally black Wildcats ran it up at Morgan State, 69 to 32, but still get no love from the I-AA poll, because all those guys who vote are racist. Three teams from the state of Virginia are in the top 11 of that poll though. Also, because of racism.

#7: MINNESOTA-DULUTH BULLDOGS (5-0, 35.600 avg. margin of victory, unranked) – Division II kind of slips under the radar in this thing because there are just so many goddamned Division III teams, and the bigger divisions are more prominent. But the Bulldogs are the #2 Division II team in the country right now, and romper stompered Minnesota State Moorhead last week, 56 to 7, to creep into the countdown.

#8: MOUNT UNION PURPLE RAIDERS (4-0, 34.750 avg. margin of victory, #6 last week) – This would be the #2 team in Division III football, and you could probably bet on them and the UW-Whitewater Warhawks playing in that national championship sometime in December. The Raiders played their closest game of the year last weekend, only beating Ohio Northern 27 to 0 at home.

#9: SIOUX FALLS COUGARS (5-0, 33.600 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – Sioux Falls is a traditional NAIA powerhouse, which is kinda like being a really smart kid in a really rural school system. They are ranked #1 in NAIA football, and scraped Nebraska Wesleyan across the grass for a 44 to 0 win last weekend, to get back in this stupid thing I do for the first time this year.

#10: ST. XAVIER COUGARS (6-0, 33.500 avg. margin of victory, #11 last week) – And this team of Cougars is your #3 NAIA team, who beat Taylor at home last weekend, 46 to 21. It was their closest game since opening weekend against Bethel.

#11: NORTH ALABAMA LIONS (5-0, 32.400 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – North Alabama is the #1 team in Division II, and with them and South Alabama, as well as both Alabama and Auburn undefeated, them Alabama motherfuckers is on some football shit this year. Fat, ignorant fuckers. The Lions only scored 28 last week, but gave up none, to Arkansas Tech, which I think is a collection of old Greyhound buses in the Ozarks.

#12: UTAH UTES (4-0, 31.500 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – #10 in the country in super college football, and prepping for a move to the Pac-10. They crushered San Jose State, 56 to 3 last weekend, and play against fellow undefeated team Texas Christian the first week of November.

#13: NORTH CENTRAL CARDINALS (4-0, 31.500 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – #6 in Division III football, they beat Carthage, 43 to 8. I really need to figure out a different way to do this because I am tired of just writing this same dumb shit over and over. Perhaps I will cut-and-paste Penthouse Forum Letters in the blurbs in the future. But I guess I’m almost done with this particular list.

#14: CORTLAND STATE RED DRAGONS (4-0, 30.500 avg. margin of victory, unranked last week) – When I ran across this #19 Division III football team at the grocery store, I had no idea what was in store for me. But as the Red Dragons were reaching up to get a jar of peanut butter from the top shelf, her tank top rode up high on her tight belly, and I could see a turquoise belly ring glinting in the fluorescent light. I love giving oral sex to a natural and wild vajayjay and looking up at her face with a sexy belly ring like the sights in a rifle, thinking of how I’m going to fuck that mouth in a few minutes, so long as I don’t get the lockjaws first.

Gone from the list from last week: #5 Dakota Wesleyan Tigers (lost to Midland Lutheran at home, 19 to 21), #8 McPherson Bulldogs (only beat Sterling, who I grew up with, 31 to 21), #9 Claremont-Mudd-Scripps Stags (only beat La Verne, 20 to 14), #10 St. Thomas Tommies (only beat Division III rival and powerhouse St. John’s Johnnies by one, 27 to 26), #12 Abilene Christian Wildcats (beat Texas A&M-Kingsville, 31 to 24, at Kingsville, not enough to maintain they spot), #13 Ohio State Buckeyes (won at Illinois, 24 to 13, just slipping out of the top 14 in margin of victory), and #14 Stanford Cardinal (got waxed by Oregon, 52 to 31).