#1: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-5, 49.400 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last week) – The Steers, who I think have never won in the entire three years I’ve dabbled with these lists, only lost by 4, 17 to 13, against Concordia-Selma last weekend. That may, unfortunately, be the highlight of some of their players collegiate career – the weekend they almost nearly won.
#2: EDWARD WATERS TIGERS (0-4, 45.000 avg. margin of defeat, #5 last week) – The Tigers had last weekend off, to go over game tape of their 64 to 0 loss to South Alabama the week before, and somehow, by virtue of not playing, they moved up three spots on this Shit List.
#3: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-5, 42.000 avg. margin of defeat, #10 last week) – A 63 to 10 loss to Baker at home helped the Wildcats surge up the list to #3. They have a lot of losing to do to move any higher though.
#4: OLIVET FIGHTING COMETS (0-4, 40.500 avg. margin of defeat, #7 last week) – A 61 to 14 loser to Wheaton at home. I looked up Olivet College to see what it was, since there’s another team with Olivet in their name later on this week’s list, and it’s some small ass town in Michigan. So now you know. I should go back to Penthouse Letters, huh?
#5: NEW MEXICO LOBOS (0-5, 40.400 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last week) – Haha, this is how bad New Mexico football is. They are hyping up on their athletics department webpage how, even though they lost to Texas-El Paso, 38 to 20, in New Mexico, there was one play where everything went great and they got a 101-yard kickoff return touchdown. Like, they are proud of that shit. And unfortunately, it does not look like there is a cross-state rivalry game Thanksgiving weekend against New Mexico State, who has also not won a game this year. What a shame.
#6: KENTUCKY CHRISTIAN KNIGHTS (0-5, 40.000 avg. margin of defeat, #9 last week) – A 52 to 12 loss to in-state Georgetown of Kentucky helped those lucky chosen Kentucky Christian Knights move up in our Shit List. I am used to like Tennessee or deep south Baptist Christian fundamentally freaky types, so I’m not sure what to expect from Kentucky uber-religious types. I would imagine it’s like West Virginia snake-handling tongue-speakers, but a bit more mellow, much like the land, which starts to level down a little from the claustrophobic insanity-creator style of West Virginia, out to the midwest on the left edge of Kentucky. Unless you are looking at the map upside down, which I suggest you do. All too often we only look at that shit with North America and Europe in the center, and at the top. Small cultural shifts like that, like viewing a world map with south to the top, it can change how you fuck up the world. And variety is the spice of death.
#7: HUSSON EAGLES (0-5, 39.800 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last week) – Props to Husson, who only lost to deaf ass Gallaudet, 13 to 6, thus pushing themselves away from the top of this list. There’s a lot of season left though, and not many all-deaf football teams left on their schedule. Maybe they play a blind team too though.
#8: LIVINGSTONE BRAMBLES (0-6, 39.000 avg. margin of defeat, #8 lat week) – 34 to 0 beatdown at home at the hands of Shaw University. Many older black people played Lords of the Underground “Funky Child” as well, wearing those weird print shirts that middle-aged successful black dudes wear that look kinda like a Hawaiian print shirt but mixed with a pimp’s hand-me-downs with a touch of Jesus.
#9: LOCK HAVEN BALD EAGLES (0-5, 36.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Lock Haven was on this list last year for the better part of it all, and the last two weeks of this season have not gone well for them. Two weeks ago, they lost at Mercyhurst, 41 to 0. And then last week, they lost to California of Pennsylvania, 58 to 0, and finally cracked this year’s Shit List. They do have awesome helmets though.
#10: ANNA MARIA CATS (0-5, 35.600 avg. margin of defeat, #12 last week) – Lost to SUNY-Maritime, 43 to 20, to slowly start their climb back up the Shit List, after their showdown of ineptitude with Becker two weeks ago.
#11: KNOX PRAIRIE FIRE (0-5, 35.600 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Welcome to the list Knox College. Though you scored more points last weekend than you have in any other game this season – 14, you also gave up more than you have given up in any game this year – 56. Don’t give up though Prairie Fire! No wonder they lose. “Yeah, we’re the Prairie Fire, you know, like when shit would catch on fire and spread through the olden times. That’s us. We kick ass, kind of, I guess.”
#12: QUINCY HAWKS (0-5, 35.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – A quality loss to Indiana State, 56 to 22. Indiana State did not win a game all last year I do not think, therefore the Hawks must really suck.
#13: BETHEL THRESHERS (0-4, 34.750 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – The Threshers (!!!) lost last weekend to Friends University, which would just have me singing that damn Whodini song all day long. Bethel College is the oldest Mennonite college in North America. Them Mennonites being making the bomb ass peanut butter cookies at the Nellysford Farmer’s Market. Plus those molasses cookies… goddamn. I actually have a Mennonite fetish to be honest with you. I saw one at a demolition derby one time that had crazy country girl eyes but was wearing her Mennonite get-up, but also had jeans on under the dress. I kept sneaking peeks at her. There was something there, I just didn’t need to pursue it, though I have no problem being a polygamist. I figure I could handle three wives easily. The real question is how to afford all the children you’d have, and you can’t be giving one of them a kid without giving another one a kid. Which brings me to another fetish, but not really sexual. I think pregnant women are sexy as fuck, because their ass and breasts are getting bigger. Like I don’t like pregnant porn; that actually is gross as hell. But them pregnant woman, all buxom looking, wearing those weird tight ass yoga pants pregnant lady things in either black or brown… dayum girl. She know what she wearing.
#14: OLIVET NAZARENE TIGERS (0-5, 34.600 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – They lost 45 to 14 to Walsh last weekend, and luckily for Olivet, Michigan, this Olivet Nazarene college is in Illinois, meaning the whole Olivet thing has a larger meaning than I care to look for. I was really hoping there was just some little ass place in Michigan where, by chance, two of the absolute worst football teams in all of America lived. No such luck.
Gone from the list from last week: #3 Concordia Falcons (not only did they beat Rockford last weekend, they shut them out, 23 to 0; congratulations Falcons, you are no longer one of America’s shittiest), #6 Bates Bobcats (edged Tufts, 21 to 20, to escape the Shit List as well), #11 MacMurray Highlanders (almost beat Northwestern – the small college version in Minnesota – but still lost, 37 to 34; the close margin was enough to help them get off this list this week though), #13 Haskell Fighting Indians (the Fighting Indians beat Trinity Bible College, 27 to 14 last weekend; congratulations native peoples playing the white man’s game of the egg!), and #14 Dakota State Trojans (lost to Black Hills State, 14 to 9, not enough to maintain their spot).
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