S14: Worst College Football Teams

Instead of pretending to care about shit or know shit about all these crappy teams, I will just lay out their latest loss, their total getting fucked by others scorewise the last three games, and maybe say something else if I feel like it.

#1: EDWARD WATERS TIGERS (0-5, 43.800 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last week) – Lost to Webber last weekend, 45 to 6. Last three games, outscored 153 to 20. Took the top spot on the Shit List, knocking Texas College off the mantle of worst team in college football for the first time this season, at least as long as I’ve been paying attention.

#2: LIVINGSTONE BLUE BEARS (0-8, 43.375 avg. margin of defeat, #3 last week) – Lost at Winston-Salem State, 58 to 0. Last three games, outscored 150 to 3, and generally an embarrassment to historically black colleges and universities football everywhere.

#3: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-6, 42.667 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last week) – Their game of the year last weekend, travelling to Oklahoma Panhandle State University, and only losing 23 to 14. Last three games, outscored 119 to 47, which isn’t that godawful bad. Have been the statistically worst team in college football all season long, until now. Congratulations Texas College – you are no longer the worst!

#4: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-7, 41.571 avg. margin of defeat, #7 last week) – Holy fuck, lost to Lindenwood last week, 90 to 19. NINETY FUCKING POINTS! Outscored last three games 177 to 43. And sadly enough, this is the second time this season they’ve lost by 70 points or more. Good lord.

#5: PACIFIC BOXERS (0-5, 41.400 avg. margin of defeat, #5 last week) – Lost at Linfield, 66 to 14. Outscored last three games, all within the state of Oregon, 183 to 21. That’s pretty ugly. I always thought “pacific boxers” was what you called it when you ain’t got no underwears on. I really enjoy not wearing clothes underneath my clothes. I have a normal job nowadays and one of the downsides is feeling like I need to wear underwear every day.

#6: VALPARAISO CRUSADERS (0-7, 40.286 avg. margin of defeat, #11 last week) – Got one of the heftiest Division I ass-whoopings of the year last weekend, losing to Jacksonville, at home even, 86 to 7. Outscored last three games 185 to 28. Obviously not as good as their basketball team.

#7: OLIVET FIGHTING COMETS (0-6, 37.167 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last week) – Lost at Kalamazoo last weekend, 33 to 13. Outscored last three games 135 to 27. Small town Michigan life this time of year is most likely pretty crisp, and all I can really think about is breasts, and wanting to look them on the interwebz, probably because I’m not wearing any underwear, which gives the devil one less layer to get inside my soul.

#8: LOCK HAVEN BALD EAGLES (0-7, 36.857 avg. margin of defeat, #6 last week) – Lost to Gannon last weekend, 42 to 7. Outscored last three games 149 to 13. Why would a team have their nickname be the “bald” eagles? I mean, I know, but also, what the fuck?

#9: DORDT DEFENDERS (0-7, 34.714 avg. margin of defeat, #14 last week) – Lost at Northwestern (of Iowa), 48 to 3 last weekend. Outscored last three weeks 136 to 10. Doomed Dordt Defenders, who have not scored more than 10 in a game all year long. Perhaps, as their name suggests, they are a defensive minded team first.

#10: NEW MEXICO LOBOS (0-6, 34.000 avg. margin of defeat, #10 last week) – Have not played since they lost the battle for most inept team in New Mexico to New Mexico State, 16 to 14 two weeks ago. Outscored last three games 99 to 44, but really are a Mountain West Conference bottom feeder and looking at an ugly 0-12.

#11: MACMURRAY HIGHLANDERS (0-6, 33.833 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Lost at Greenville (of Illinois), 50 to 7 last weekend. Outscored last three games 125 to 48. Can only actually win a game by chopping the head off the opposing head coach with a sword.

#12: JUNIATA EAGLES (0-6, 33.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Lost against Gettysburg last weekend, 56 to 21. Outscored last three games 149 to 37. School name sounds like a white girl whose parents were hispanophiles. Or the name of a mid-sized crossover by Volkswagen.

#13: SAVANNAH STATE TIGERS (0-7, 32.571 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Lost at Florida A&M last weekend, 31 to 0. Outscored last three games 138 to 35. Also have a statistically terrible basketball program, which makes me wonder if this school was just started in the last five years. Starting a college seems insane, but I guess they all had to come from somewhere.

#14: KENTUCKY CHRISTIAN KNIGHTS (0-7, 32.571 avg. margin of defeat, #12 last week) – Lost at West Virginia Tech, 62 to 37, which was their highest point total of the year thus far. Outscored last three games of the football 148 to 80, and have scored over 30 points the past two weekends. Yall boys from Kentucky Christian University might just get you one yet.

Gone from the list from last week: #8 St. Mary Spires (lost at home to Bethel, 42 to 26), #9 Western Connecticut State Colonials (lost at Kean, 35 to 14), and #13 Quincy Hawks (lost against Iowa Wesleyan, 62 to 50).