S14: Worst College Football Teams

These are the worst teams in college football, as of this week, and I have nothing good to say about any of them. But I will make a half-hearted effort nonetheless, because this is what I do with my life.

#1: LIVINGSTONE BLUE BEARS (0-9, 44.444 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last week) – Lost at Fayetteville State, 59 to 6. You can get legal whores in trailers outside of Fayetteville. That’s the military influence on rural North Carolina. Seriously. It’s pretty goddamned cool. And even if it’s illegal, fuck it, it goes on. Things are only for-real illegal if you can’t get away with it.

#2: EDWARD WATERS TIGERS (0-6, 43.500 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last week) – They were at North Greenville and they lost 42 to 0. The bright side is 42 points is the least amount of points they’ve given up all year long. You go, historically black Edward Waters. I am going historically black for Halloween, with blackface and lambchop sideburns and an old suit with a solid gold chain watch that I’ll carry around and when I get near people, I’ll look at, rub my Frederick Douglass wig backwards and yell out, “Hot damn! It’s time fors another beer!”

#3: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-8, 39.875 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last week) – They lost to Benedictine of Kansas last weekend, and I am really bummed I have not finished this yet because I’d like to go masturbate. Culver-Stockton was named after Marthellus Culver and Richard “Dick” Stockton the 1st, who together were International Tandem Grappling champions from Nebraska for 11 years straight in the 1930s. They formed the college to teach cornfed bumpkins how wearing singlets and clutching at other dudes would help you grow up to be a solid man.

#4: VALPARAISO CRUSADERS (0-8, 37.750 avg. margin of defeat, #6 last week) – Only lost to San Diego, 30 to 10, last weekend, but still moved up two spots on the Shit List. A trip to San Diego was probably pretty nice for some religious school types from Indiana, which I think is where Valpo is from. Might be elsewhere. The whole midwest is like a rampant wasteland of flatness to me. I do not understand why everyone there just doesn’t dedicate themselves to demolition derbies on Friday nights and wrestling for Ian Rotten on Saturday nights.

#5: LOCK HAVEN BALD EAGLES (0-8, 37.500 avg. margin of defeat, #8 last week) – A 56 to 14 loss at Slippery Rock charged them back up the Shit List two spots. For as long as I’ve been doing these stupid things over like three years, Lock Haven has been terrible. Also, I have been sweating an awful lot lately. I am not sure why that is, but I think it’s my body finally working out some of the corporate copperhead poisons from not drinking beer so much.

#6: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-7, 37.000 avg. margin of defeat, #3 last week) – Oh man, after only losing by 9 at Oklahoma Panhandle State two weekends ago, Texas College hosted Southern Nazarene last week, and barely lost, 52 to 49. Understand in their previous six games, they had scored 50 points total, so they basically doubled how good they’ve been this year. Mad mad props to you Texas College Steers. I’m pulling for you. Raven Mack is your boy.

#7: PACIFIC BOXERS (0-6, 36.500 avg. margin of defeat, #5 last week) – They lost, 24 to 12, to Whitworth last weekend, but moved themselves down a couple notches. Most importantly is this sentence from their website though: “The clip of the amazing touchdown from Trevor Okamoto to Jordan Fukumoto is selected by D3Football.com as their Play of the Week for week eight of the NCAA Division III season.” I was gonna look it up inside the youtubes, but again, I really want to masturbate.

#8: DORDT DEFENDERS (0-8, 35.625 avg. margin of defeat, #9 last week) – Dordt lost at Midland Lutheran, 42 to 0, last weekend. Defender was cool but if I was gonna get all Ricky Schroeder on Silver Spoons and have a real live video game machine in my house, I’d get Moon Patrol. Or Spyhunter. Or fuck it, old school NBA Jams. I always played Detlef Schrempf and Sean Whatshisname that had 19 kids by 23 women.

#9: ANNA MARIA CATS (0-8, 35.125 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Holy fuck, they had gotten off this list for a couple of weeks. But last week in hosting Norwich, they dropped a tough one, 81 to 7. They also got spotlighted in one of those stupid and pretentious back page Sports Illustrated articles like two weeks back, so maybe it was the SI curse leaking into the back cover from the front. Still though, giving up 81 points is terrible, regardless of the situation or black magic involved.

#10: OLIVET FIGHTING COMETS (0-7, 34.429 avg. margin of defeat, #7 last week) – They lost against Albion, 42 to 24. Do you know why 2x4s are called that and not 4x2s? I don’t either. I was gonna make something up but then the stupid new kitten my children brought back from a yard sale was climbing into the boxes of apples on the living room floor that we still need to can before Halloween, so I had to go get my hand wet to flick water on the kitten.

#11: JUNIATA EAGLES (0-7, 34.286 avg. margin of defeat, #12 last week) – They lost vs. Moravian, 42 to 0, last weekend. Moravian vs. Juniata sounds more like some second-tier Scottish soccer rivalry to me. I read that Among the Thugs book and it made me really sad we are so commercialized here in America when it comes to major sports. Also made me want to start a 12-team soccer league where thuggery and drunkenness and chaos was encouraged, picking the absolute dregs of America to take part, like Philly and Boston and Oakland and Detroit and places where people are crazy and hopeless but still love sports.

#12: WESTERN CONNECTICUT STATE COLONIALS (0-7, 31.714 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – They played Montclair State last weekend and lost, 31 to 3. Most of my experiences in Connecticut have been sketchy, so I have very little love for that state. I know a bunch of rich white asses be living in parts of it, but mostly I seem to end up at truck stops with crazy Dominicans trying to fight me by the claw machine outside the bathroom, or in hotels where the desk clerk is a hot ass Puerto Rican girl that makes me want to have sex with a hot ass Puerto Rican girl except I know that Puerto Ricans are the worst of all western hemisphere brown people.

#13: SAVANNAH STATE TIGERS (0-8, 31.500 avg. margin of defeat, #13 last week) – Savannah State lost at Alabama State, 24 to 0, giving them two straight scoreless weeks. Looks like they have this weekend off, so good for them. Then they come to Virginia, my disgusting home state, to play Old Dominion’s upstart football team. I don’t have anything more to say than that really, but I needed to type another line so that the football helmet images didn’t get jumbled together.

#14: QUINCY HAWKS (0-8, 31.375 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – They lost at St. Ambrose, 44 to 7, last weekend, and that was a loss that was 44 to 7. The main thing for me about this is I’m pretty much done writing this thing that no one will read, so now I have to figure out what I want to masturbate about. Finally.

Gone from the list from last week: #10 New Mexico Lobos (30 to 20 loss to San Diego State, so they mathematically barely missed the Shit List cut), #11 MacMurray Highlanders (a game against Crown of Minnetonka ended in a 44 to 28 loss, so MacMurray still has time to return to this list), #14 Kentucky Christian Knights (a double OT loss against Lindsey Wilson, 40 to 37, so sad but not quite Shit List worthy).