Spring Chicken Ale II

AFFORDABILITY: Spring Chicken Ale number one was done in 2009, and called such a thing because I bought the ingredients and me and the ol' lady cooked it up right around the same time I bought our first pullets for our laying flock, that has thrived and dwindled. First things I bought were three reds and two leghorns from a dude who lived in a trailer near my grandpa's house. That dude reached into the tubs in his shed and pulled me out five gonna-be-hens, 100% correct. Ever since then, nothing has been able to give me 100% hendom, and shit, I do better by holding them up and feeling them soulfully than some of these fuckers who have sold me little chickens do for figuring the sex. Leghorns, though a commercial layer that is often disrespected by new agey backyard farmer types hellbent on do it yourselfing, are the greatest breed of chickens I have ever had thus far. They are small, personable, and lay big ol' fat eggs on the regular. We lost our second leghorn over the weekend, first one mauled by the dogs, second one nipped by them but enough blood was showing for the other chickens to peck her intestines out. We also made this second Spring Chicken Ale, which honestly has sat in the hall closet, undrank, because it's too lemony. Much like my chicken flock, this second Spring Chicken beer had too much of this and not enough of that, and isn't as good as 2009. I bought the ingredients for it the same time I bought the ones for my Freya's Magic Stick beer, and the new redneck dude who owned it kept pushing buttons on his cash register in between telling his kids to stop this or that or settle down, and when it was done being added up, red flags came out the top that said, "Raven, you are one dumb motherfucker." 1 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: Homebrews always are an unprotected drunken piledriver into a concrete sidewalk in the part of a medium-sized city where the outer layer is starting to be etched away by the chemical rains of the past decade, as opposed to the sports entertainmentery double chicken wing fall down together shit you see on TV wrestling nowadays. 5 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: We just printed out white labels using the same Jokewood font we used last year for the first batch, and I probably used the same comedically timed bad grammar that I did then as well ("lemonpeels" is one of the ingredients), so whatever. It comes off when it sweats and you rub your thumb over it too much, but maybe you should be drinking faster anyways. 3 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: When I talked about our last homebrew, I said nothing was my corporate master, but I lied. The government is my corporate master. Government is the worst corporation of all, because they can use the same trickery and propaganda and try to turn a devilish profit, but if things break down and they lose money, they just take the profit from you anyways. Or from somebody. I work for the government now, state government, in a research position funded by federal government. I got all types of shackles around my ankles, and the steady work for steady pay makes me think I'm straight pimpin' compared to the hodgepodge self-unemployed construction worker of last year, but damn. Sometimes I don't know. Even shit like paying for insurance for my family. We don't use it, so is it worth it? I mean if somebody got a broken AIDSbone or something, then yeah, I guess it'd be worth it. But right now, it feels like a slot machine I'm losing money to. And if I have to get my money's worth by having something ill happen to me, that's one demented slot machine. 1 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: You know I forgot to not only drink this homebrew but to finish writing these stupid beer reviews, and even quit drinking briefly, or at least cut back, but now am back. But I should let you know I drank a few of these Spring Chicken Ales months after I wrote the rest of this review, and somehow they were way better. That is the nature of the homebrew – a mysterious changeling of alcohol content that will invigorate your world because you’ll be like, “Oh snap! I made this dumb shit! And now my brain is wonky!” 4 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 2 & 4/5 STARS!