S14: Best College Football Teams

I hadn’t done one of these in a long ass time, mostly because there’s only so much time you can waste on dumb shit like this for free. But with lower division playoffs in full process of elimination swing, and the retarded BCS settings about to be settled after this last weekend, I figured I’d throw up one more of the Bully List. I’ll probably try to do one final one as well after the BCS championship game, but let’s look at things as they stand now the beginning of December, 2010, America, Earth…

#1: OREGON DUCKS (11-0, 38.182 avg. margin of victory, #2 last time) – The Ducks are set to head into the BCS title game sometime next March if they can avoid slipping up against Oregon State this weekend in what they call the Civil War. Other than a 15 to 13 nailbiter at Cal, Oregon has not even been close most weeks.

#2: SIOUX FALLS COUGARS (12-0, 35.250 avg. margin of victory, #3 last time) – They haven’t been winning by 45 anymore, but even after two weeks of the NAIA playoffs, the Sioux Falls Cougars have not really been played closely in a game, giving them a good shot at winning their 3rd NAIA championship in five years. The NAIA semifinals are this weekend, with the top 4 ranked teams in that league the only ones standing. Sioux Falls will host Mid-America Nazarene, who just missed making this list for the first time.

#3: MINNESOTA-DULUTH BULLDOGS (12-0, 35.182 avg. margin of victory, #6 last time) – The Bulldogs, who went into the Division II playoffs as the #1 ranked team in the country at that level, barely cranked out a win last weekend hosting St. Cloud State, 20 to 17. This weekend, in the round of 8, they host #9 ranked Augustana of South Dakota.

#4: ST. XAVIER COUGARS (13-0, 34.692 avg. margin of victory, #4 last time) – St. Xavier is one of the other Final 4 of the NAIA powerhouses, and in the first round of those playoffs two weeks ago, hosting Cumberlands, they crushed 66 to 19. That’s in the playoffs. Last week, they only won 40 to 2 over St. Francis, and this week, they travel up to frigid Montana to play Carroll, who is also undefeated, and lower down on this list.

#5: MOUNT UNION RAIDERS (12-0, 33.667 avg. margin of victory, #11 last time) – The difference between Mount Union as a perennial D3 powerhouse and other teams in the playoffs is that they continue to stomp once the regular season is done. First round, they hosted St. Lawrence and whomped them 49 to 0. Second round, also hosting, they beat Delaware Valley, 31 to 3. This week, they host Alfred, who weren’t even ranked Top 25 in D3 going into the playoffs, but have won road upsets over SUNY-Maritime and Cortland State to get to the Division III quarterfinals. The championship game is actually played like two hours from where I live, yet I have never gone. Probably won’t this year either. This week they play #4 D3 team Mary Hardin-Baylor.

#6: WESLEY WOLVERINES (11-0, 32.364 avg. margin of victory, #10 last time) – Wesley was #3 ranked going into the D3 playoffs, and has crushed as well thus far, beating Muhlenberg 53 to 14 in the first round (much to John Prine’s dismay), and Montclair State 44 to 7.

#7: WISCONSIN-WHITEWATER WARHAWKS (12-0, 32.167 avg. margin of victory, #1 last time) – The Warhawks, #1 ranked D3 team, fell a few notches since the last time I did this. First round of the D3 playoffs, they beat Franklin 52 to 21, and last week hosted the Trine Thunder (who have for most of the year been on this Bully List as well) and won 45 to 31. This week, they host another consistent Bully List team in the North Central Cardinals of somewhere in Illinois.

#8: TEXAS CHRISTIAN HORNED FROGS (12-0, 31.917 avg. margin of victory, #12 last time) – TCU wrapped up their regular season by ass-raping New Mexico, 66 to 17, in New Mexico last weekend. Now they wait to see what bowl they’ll go to. Very anti-climactic is this BCS, like every team makes themselves a sales pitch and a group of executives go behind closed doors and then come back and tell all the sales pitchers who got the account and who didn’t. I am hoping Auburn loses to South Carolina this weekend, because I’d like to see TCU get a shot, although I’m sure even if Auburn loses, the BCS will screw TCU out of it and send them off to like the Sugar Bowl to play Virginia Tech or something.

#9: NORTH CENTRAL CARDINALS (12-0, 31.583 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) – #6 ranked D3 team, who hosted and beat St. Norbert, 57 to 7, then the same to Ohio Northern, but only 28 to 9. Now they travel up to Wisconsin to take on the mighty mighty warhawks.

#10: MARY HARDIN-BAYLOR CRUSADERS (12-0, 30.833 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) – This list is pretty much just Division III teams. The Crusaders are the #4 ranked team in D3, yet have to play the #3 ranked team this weekend in the quarterfinals. Thus far in the playoffs, Mary Hardin-Baylor, both games at home, beat Christopher Newport 59 to 7, and then Thomas More 69 to 7. In fact, the Crusaders did not make this list this year, having played a number of closer games the first half of the season. But their last three regular season games they outscored their opponents by a combined 202 to 18 margin. That’s three games. In fact, since barely winning at East Texas Baptist in the middle of October, 32 to 28, they have not won by less than 42 points.

#11: ST. THOMAS TOMMIES (12-0, 29.167 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) – #5 ranked D3 team, who last week in the second round of the playoffs needed double overtime to beat #12 Linfield by a 24 to 17 margin. This week they play Bethel of Minnesota, in the round of Division III 8.

#12: SOUTH ALABAMA JAGUARS (10-0, 28.300 avg. margin of victory, #5 last time) – South Alabama wrapped up their season undefeated, a perfect 10-0, after home wins against Henderson State and Arkansas-Monticello. Season done, so as all these other playoff-eligible teams on this list eventually pick each other off, the Jaguars will probably finish top five or so on the final list, simply by being undefeated.

#13: CARROLL FIGHTING SAINTS (12-0, 26.250 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) – Carroll is the #2 team in NAIA football, and their home is Helena, Montana, which will be rocking this Saturday afternoon – okay, maybe not – when St. Xavier comes to town, probably by bus.

#14: WILLIAMS EPHS (8-0, 23.250 avg. margin of victory, unranked last time) – The Ephs are the undefeated champions of the New England Small College Athletic Conference, which is an NCAA Division III conference, but considers itself the Little Ivies, and has a shortened season and no post-season eligibility. The NESCAC is also the only conference in all of college football where the member teams play nobody from outside the conference, ever. The NESCAC has allowed other sports champions to play in NCAA championship tournaments though, and they have done well in the whiter sports, but there is absolutely no way to know how Williams would compare to other D3 schools.

Gone from this list from last time: #7 Trine Thunder (lost at Wisconsin-Whitewater 45 to 31 last weekend), #8 Boise State Broncos (lost at Nevada last weekend, 34 to 31, haha fuckers), #9 Utah Utes (actually lost to both Texas Christian and Notre Dame since the last time I done did this), #13 McPherson Bulldogs (lost to McKendree in the first round of the NAIA playoffs), and #14 Wittenberg Tigers (lost to Ohio Northern in the first round of the Division III playoffs).