After yesterday's ending rant about Communism, I felt dirty, and was afraid the internet thought police would put the clamps on me, and make my internet not work. I love how when all this shit goes on in the Middle East, they're like, "We'd never do that in America." But you know, there's shit that is on the internet that you can't see in America, already. It's not like anything at all shoots into your computer. There's filters in place, everywhere, not just alleged oppressive regimes in other countries. But whatever, I am getting off track before I even get started.
I decided after being all "Castro is awesome, Yay Communism!" that I would bring it back and make today's criteria the simple test of which person I've spent more money on or over or because of. It's that simple. I mean, I'm no communist. I excitedly waste money on dumb shit like everybody, play the lottery at times because I think massive wealth is the true ticket to a life of leisure and easiness, and lust after material objects like a motherfucker. So today's criteria at to who is better is who I spent money on...
AFRIKA BAMBAATAA vs. ANGELA DAVIS
Day three (tied 1-1): Not sure if I ever bought an Angela Davis book, but I have a couple of Afrika Bambaataa & The Soulsonic Force 12-inch singles. Plus, if you want to stretch that into somehow being tied to the birth of hip hop music, and give him a cut of all the tapes, records, CDs, whatever the fuck else I've bought from that, dude has a pretty good slice of my leisure income throughout the history of me earning income and being leisurely. Advantage: Afrika Bambaataa, 2 to 1, advancement achieved.
BILL MURRAY vs. BILLY CHILDISH
Day three (tied 1-1): I've bought Caddyshack, for like $5 at Best Buy, but that was as much for others as it was for Bill Murray. I also bought the Ghostbusters set when it was on sale one time, for like $10, and you'd have to figure that was purely for Murray, because without him, that shit would've fell flat. I actually made my parents take me to that back in the day when Farmville only had one shitty little theater on Main Street. It had been playing for weeks, and everybody had seen it, and it was the last night - a Wednesday in the summer, and I was bugging my parents the fuck out about it, "Let's go see it, let's go see it, it's the last night." There was no cable TV in the country back then, and seriously it might have been like 10 years before I saw it because that's how the world worked back then. They said no, so I was outside, angry, throwing my baseball against the she wall, and my mom yelled out the upstairs window, "We'll go to that movie, Raven." Shit was dope, and the movie ruled. Still though, that was my folks money, not mine. I've got four or five 7-inches by Billy Childish projects, plus two LPs. And I think I might've paid $10 at the time for the "Something Went Wrong" 7-inch because it was a few years after it had been out and blown up by Sub Pop and I came across it and was like, "Oh shit. I got to get this." So I did. Advantage: Billy Childish, 2 to 1, advancement achieved.
BILLY GIBBONS vs. BOBBY BEAUSOLEIL
Day three (tied 1-1): Bobby Beausoleil has been in jail my entire life, and though he does wonderful art from inside those prison walls, I have not bought anything by him. I have every good ZZ Top album ever made (which is most everything from before synthesizer overlords tricked them into that run in the '80s). Shit, I have multiple copies of certain records (ZZ Top's First Album, Tres Hombres, Fandango). So this one is not even close, though now I want to look into buying a Bobby Beausoleil painting. The ol' lady and I, although we are of average means like anybody else, have decided it probably better to gift each other art instead of stupid gadgets or useless items that become outdated in one month. Art does not lose value, and makes your life better. Advantage: Billy Gibbons, 2 to 1, advancement achieved.
CHAZ BOJORQUEZ vs. CORMAC MCCARTHY
Day three (tied 1-1): Shockingly, I have never actually bought a Cormac McCarthy book. He is the rare case of someone I have exclusively checked out of the local library at this point. Our local library system is a smattering of like 10 different libraries, and it's a great library. The local one is the center of our little town, and we've made so many friends and connections through simply going to the library. They actually have the book I had a story in last year in the local library, displayed prominently, and the one bitch librarian told my wife, "We might be the only ones in the country to have it!" thinking she was funny, but being a bitch. Same lady also called me "Chuck" because my first name was Charles, although nobody calls me Charles in real life, much less Chuck. I would get mad at her for it if I cared, but really it's kinda funny, this sad old weird lady being catty about everything, and giving me a name that's not mine. I let her roll with it, because ultimately it has made her look stupid, as everybody else is like, "Why does she call him Chuck? That's not his name." Back to the point though, I have purposely bought any and all art mags that I see Chaz Bojorquez inside of. And following the previous match-ups blurb, he is at the top of the list of people I would want a piece of art from hanging from a roofing nail in my wood paneled living room. We've really gotta refinish the living room. Advantage: Chaz Bojorquez, 2 to 1, advancement achived.
DAMIEN ECHOLS vs. DAVID ALLAN COE
Day three (tied 1-1): I have only rented Paradise Lost, so there's a big goose egg on the Damien Echols slate for this criteria. I have bought DAC albums, tapes, and CDs, not to mention seeing him multiple times performing live, which has led to the purchase of massive quantities of alcohol, some drugs, and who knows what else this has caused me to do with my money. Some of those shows were long stories of near-fights, actual fights, and drunken chaos. Advantage: David Allan Coe, 2 to 1, advancement achieved.
DEXTER MANLEY vs. DIEGO MARADONA
Day three (tied 1-1): I've never actually bought anything Diego related. Haven't really bought anything Dexter Manley related either, although a few years back when my Confederate Mack website and zine was still going strong, I got my mom to get me a customized Redskins jersey for my birthday, which had the #72 in honor of Dexter Manley's awesomeness, but with CONMACK for the name. That shirt probably cost her like $180 or some bullshit at that time, and it's 3XL which means it looks like a nightgown on me, and I'm a pretty big dude. So I guess Dexter wins. Advantage: Dexter Manley, 2 to 1, advancement achieved.
GARY SNYDER vs. GAYLORD PERRY
Day one: I bought a lot of baseball cards as a kid, every pack my meager allowance would allow. I knew the best spots to get them cheapest, and still have a box of like 2000 of them laying around somewhere in this compound, collecting mildew and mites. But that was for the overall obsessiveness of it, trading them with other dudes in school, shuffling them around at home, reorganizing them over and over. Gaylord Perry was a happenstance part of that entire experience, and I don't think he was anything other than an old dude on the Mariners to me back then. I have bought multiple Gary Snyder books since I first found out about him. Hell, I've bought like 10 copies of Riprap/Cold Mountain Poems over my life, because I always end up giving it away to somebody I think should have it, and needing a new one. I guess now I prefer the Red Pine translation to Gary Snyder's, but I still hold that book dear. I've even bought Kerouac's Dharma Bums multiple times to pass around because of Snyder's Japhy Ryder character in that book. Advantage, Gary Snyder, 1 to 0.
GHOSTFACE KILLAH vs. GLEN STEWART GODWIN
Day one: I have never in my life bought cocaine, so I can't imagine I have accidentally given Glen Stewart Godwin money along the way. Ghostface Killah is about the only rapper left who I'd actually buy his CD when it comes out, so long as it's not one of those "We had to throw a CD together real quick before the holiday" Def Jam releases. And actually, I'd probably just steal his shit off the internet at this point. But if he had a book come out, I'd buy it in a heartbeat, probably even as a hardback. Advantage: Ghostface Killah, 1 to 0.
GRADY STILES III vs. GRANDMASTER CAZ
Day one: Most of the freaks books I bought back in the day were because of Jo-Jo the Dog-faced Boy, not Grady Styles Jr. But that world was exposed to me, thus learning me on the existence of this lobster claw family. I have bought shit related to Grandmaster Caz, most notably copping a VHS copy of Wild Style back in the day, plus the album, which I think I gave to Boogie Brown years ago. I can't remember. Advantage: Grandmaster Caz, 1 to 0.
H.D. DENNIS vs. HARRY CREWS
Day one: H.D. Dennis is one of those Jesus-crazed roadside artists of the rural South. I have never been his way, though if I did, I would certainly buy something inside he and his wife's country store, hopefully a handpainted Jesus sign of some sort, preferably cryptic in nature. But I have bought Harry Crews books, including a collection of interviews called Getting Naked with Harry Crews that is on the milk crate beside my bed RIGHT FUCKING NOW! I like to pop it open and get inspired to fuck shit up with words from time to time. Advantage: Harry Crews, 1 to 0.
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