L.E.o.R. - Spring '11 - Day Two - 80 to 40

I am really tired of the Charlie Sheen meme, so in today's analysis of who should or should not advance in the Learned Elders of Rojonekku process, I have decided the simple criteria is which of these has most likely not hung out, met, or interacted at any level with Charlie Sheen, face-to-face, hand-to-hand. While the idea of a guy just saying whatever shit comes to mind is intriguing (naturally... have you read this fucking site?), I just don't buy this dude. First off, you can't ever trust cokeheads, because they are always up to something. Always. Secondly, it's fucking Charlie Sheen. He had it handed to him from the beginning, so it's not like he's some noble salt of the earth truth sayer busting the coconuts of the masses with the realest of real talk.
So let's get through this nonsense today. And remember, the 80 to 40 round is best of 3.
AFRIKA BAMBAATAA vs. ANGELA DAVIS
Day one: Bambaataa is a legendary pioneer of hip hop, while Davis is a former Black Panther. Davis has remained fairly militant, though tempered down, and always political in nature. Bambaataa wore space outfits from the future, but old looking, and you would have to imagine a guy who ran with a gang in NYC in the late 1970s and decided that Kraftwerk was the greatest shit ever has probably done plenty drugs. And you would have to imagine if you make "Planet Rock" then you probably have snorted lines in the VIP room of various clubs. Though their realms of popularity seem disparate, pop culture is a strange fucking amoeba, and even if they did not split an eight-ball at some point, I would imagine it wouldn't take more than one person to connect Afrika Bambaataa with Charlie Sheen in a Kevin Bacon manner, but with shared cocaine use instead of being in movies together. Advantage: Angela Davis, 1 to 0.
ATSUSHI ONITA vs. AUBREY DU GREY
Day one: Onita is a Japanese hardcore wrestler famous for blowing himself up, who also ran for government office. Du Grey is a British science dude who thinks that humanity can cure itself of aging, and we can all live forever. And as much as it's hard to imagine either of these dudes ever actually sharing a party floor with Charlie Sheen. But at the same time, thinking you can cure people from aging ever again, and calling old age a disease, is not too far from thinking tiger blood makes you impervious to everything. Advantage: Atsushi Onita, 1 to 0.
BILL MURRAY vs. BILLY CHILDISH
Day one: As much as I love the crazy guy, there's probably not that fine a line distinguishing Bill Murray from Charlie Sheen. I would imagine they have crossed paths before. It may have been uncomfortable dealings, as it can be when two lifelong unrepentant substance abusers interact with each other, both used to their own way of recklessly endangering themselves in amusing ways. You'll get ruffled feathers in those instances, and chances are Billy Murray and Chuckie Sheen have done things together, or shared women, or talked about women they shared, or some Hollyweird drunkard bullshit like that. Billy Childish is a rock-n-roll pervert poet scumbag from Scotland. Charlie Sheen might seem similar to that in nature, but he'd never lower himself to Billy Childish's level. Advantage: Billy Childish, 1 to 0.
BILLY GIBBONS vs. BOBBY BEAUSOLEIL
Day one: Bobby Beausoleil has been in jail most of Charlie Sheen's life. ZZ Top was fairly big in the '80s when Charlie Sheen first became a young star as part of the Brat Pack. You gotta figure, even though the types that watched those movies (and the soundtracks themselves) were full of that whiny synthetic new wave type stuff, a young Charlie Sheen doing cocaine with River Phoenix and one of the Coreys is gonna pretty stoked to be backstage at a ZZ Top concert in 1986. And you would figure meeting Billy Gibbons would be part of the package. Advantage: Billy Childish, 1 to 0.
BUSHWICK BILL vs. CAROL NESMITH
Day one: Carol Nesmith is a gamecock breeder who has also spent long periods in jail for his philosophical beliefs. And if Charlie Sheen dabbled in cockfighting, it was probably somewhere more exotic like a high-dollar outfit in the Philippines or in Puerto Rico, not in fucking Alabama. Also, The Geto Boys got big briefly, and you gotta figure Charlie Sheen, much like ZZ Top in 1986, wanted to go backstage at The Geto Boys 1993. And he did. I imagine the conversation was uncomfortable, and Sheen probably made jokes to his entourage about the black midget rapper. But still, they met. Advantage: Carol Nesmith, 1 to 0.
CHAZ BOJORQUEZ vs. CORMAC MCCARTHY
Day one: Cormac McCarthy, like all great writers, was never heard of by most people until he had a famous movie made from one of his novels. In order to cross over into that Hollywood world, you have to schmooze. It is painful, but you do it, because it is the choice you have made. And though Chaz Bojorquez is a famous L.A. underground artist, and very well could have had gallery shows with Sheen in attendance, for some reason I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I am pretending that his art remains pure, while Cormac McCarthy's does not. It is purely a personal judgment. Advantage: Chaz Bojorquez, 1 to 0.
DAMIEN ECHOLS vs. DAVID ALLAN COE
Day one: Damien Echols was a metalhead kid who went to jail for not murdering a bunch of kids, and is a cause celebre at times, and other times just some dumb southern kid in jail, probably trying not to get raped anymore than he already has been. And being I've turned Charlie Sheen into a big music lover at this point, I am going to pretend he's seen David Allan Coe as well. Advantage: Damien Echols, 1 to 0.
DEXTER MANLEY vs. DIEGO MARADONA
Day one: At first glance, this would seem like a tough call, as both Manley and Maradona are notorious sports drug addicts. But Manley dug into a nice crack addiction that caused him to pawn off his Super Bowl ring. That's an entirely different beast than cocaine, and most hardcore cocaine users consider themselves some sort of upper crust who would never fuck around with low class crackheads. Diego Maradona is probably a more famous Charlie Sheen than Charlie Sheen - insane, wildly delusional, and all of it brought on by slutty women, alcohol, and cocaine. I would imagine of everybody I went through in today's battles, the one I would expect to have literally done cocaine with Charlie Sheen the most would be Maradona. Shit, Diego Maradona actually almost makes me think better of Charlie Sheen, because perhaps he'll get to that Maradona level at some point. But all it takes is five minutes on the interweb to be like, "Man, fuck all this stupid Charlie Sheen shit that thinks it's funny but is not" again. Advantage: Dexter Manley, 1 to 0.
EL HIJO DEL SANTO vs. ESTEVAN ORIOL
Day one: I really want to give Estevan Oriol the same credit I gave Chaz Bojorquez, especially since I am actively trying to purchase a print of an Oriol photograph (to no avail thus far). But when the fuck is Charlie Sheen gonna be fucking around with Mexican lucha libre? Cypress Hill's former manager turned L.A. artist, and best friend of one of the more famous L.A. celebrity tattoo artists (Mr. Cartoon)? Yeah, I could see Charlie Sheen crossing paths with him. Advantage: El Hijo Del Santo, 1 to 0.
FIDEL CASTRO vs. G. GORDON LIDDY
Day one: Both are moral political leaders. But Charlie Sheen is a secret Hispanic who grew up rich. A fake Hispanic rich kid is gonna be trained to hate him some Castro. Hell, Communism goes against everything that allowed Charlie Sheen to become Charlie Sheen. I would imagine if not Charlie, then Martin Sheen and the G-man have hobnobbed at Bohemian Grove get-togethers or secret Illuminati conventions at seven-star resorts in western Pennsylvania, where you are given complimentary Land Rovers to drive around. Advantage: Fidel Castro, 1 to 0.