Ultimate 100: 100 thru 96

So here we go with Ultimate Dork-a-thon 2011...
#100: PAUL TAYLOR vs. PAUL KELLY - I do not know anything about either of these guys but they are both Brits, which I don't like to hear. What kind of Americanized racialism is that? Are they English, or Welsh, or Irish, or Scots, or what? Fucking Great Britain, evil colonial overlords of white people for a century now. I do like when weight is calculated in stones though. I weigh just under 16 1/2 stones myself, trying to get down to around 15 stones or so. The referee is that black guy. One thing I hate is UFC ring card girls who wear those ass-hugging go-go shorts, but have no ass. I can't figure out which is which yet, but the Limey Paul in yellow trunks has a distinct bad tribal tattoo advantage. Oh, Taylor is the yellow trunks guy. they are hugging each other against the cage now, trying to knee at each other. The Kelly Limey dude has an unfinished tattoo on his back which seriously is some new school font lettering that looks like it might be a website or shoot 'em up video game title or something. Why the fuck would you get something like that? I've actually been contemplating my back tattoo lately, as soon as I can find somebody cheap enough but halfway decent to do what I want to do, which involves a road map, cartoon crows leaning on a fence, and big garish letters that say SOUTHERN BY BIRTH RAVEN BY THE GRACE OF GOD. I figure if I'm going to blemish myself in such a grandiose way, might as well go huge with it, you know? You only get one body to defile.
The stupid back tattoo is also on the dude's fighting trunks, and has fang letters at each end, so I guess it's his fighting school or some shit. There is something to be said for outlaw biker gangs, who have a long enough history to weed chump asses out, so that some dumbass isn't on national TV fighting some other dude in a pseudo-homoerotic way with an unfinished MONGOLS MC tattoo or something on his back. You have to have a method for earning shit like that. The yellow pants dude has his nose all busted up and bloody, and I think as they sat there for a second, I realized the stupid back tattoo says WOLFSLAND maybe. The announcers are talking about how the first 30 seconds of this (we are in between round chill time) was maybe the best most furious action they'd ever seen. I must've missed it. I hate fucking things you are supposed to study up to understand what's great about it, especially when it's just two fucking limey fuckers with bad tattoos pummeling each other.
"Now, let's see what Taylor can do from top position..." There is just so much homoeroticism in ultimate fighting, it's really hard to ignore. It basically comes across as gay dudes too pumped up on testosterone to admit they are gay, so they gay bash each other in anger, but then after everybody is beaten up and somebody is the victor, they give each other an honorable hug, like, "Thanks bro, thanks for us beating each other from being gay, let's hug in the most manly of ways now that we have exorcised our homosexuality for the time being. Let's go get some protein shakes."
I should warn you, this is looking like it could easily degenerate into me just talking shit about how stupid fucking ultimate fighting is, even though it's supposed to be the HIPPEST HOTTEST MOST EXCITING SPORT for the all-important young dude demographic. I guess I am not a young dude, but I am also not a fucking sports nerd who thinks baseball with it's numbers and history is superior. I really dig the wacky sub-culture of professional boxing - the weird homemade concoctions famous cut men use, strange trainers who are like horse whisperers for the underprivileged who still look to box. I don't think UFC is really at that level as a culture, although there's far more MMA academies on this world now than boxing gyms, mostly because people understand the long-term effects of being pugilized into dementia.
Yellow pants dude's forehead got elbowed open and he bled all over the place, like a Puerto Rican wrestling match, and in between rounds, CUT MAN is in the house, with his gloves thick with homemade concoction, probably vaseline and yarrow root and weird other shit that he learned from a voodoo lady forty years ago.
Ahh, they start their third round with a respectful, "I'm not gay" hug and then go back to beating on each other. Doomfang tattoo guy is opening up the bloody forehead again, and there's four minutes until the round ends, which means there's a lot of time for this dude to bleed out.
I don't know, having got my ass kicked and bloodied up on a number of occasions, I'm kinda hoping this bloody yellow trunks dude can tough it out and do something, just because I always wished I could recover from the bloody beatdown, and never did physically during a fight, though usually a couple xanax and five beers made me feel like I could destroy the world again. Actually, I never got the shit talk kicked out of me, no matter how hard the shit got kicked out of me. It's a genetic thing I got from my father.
The final bell, and a loving hug between the dudes, battered and sweaty and bloody, and now they wait for the judges' verdict that the non-yellow pants dude won. One thing I will say though is that British dudes just look more natural all swollen faced and crazy from fistfighting. Our American gene pool is too watered around, or we try to hard to be pretty or something.
#99: PAT MILETICH vs. CARLOS NEWTON - Look, I don't pretend to know anything or everything about ultimate fighting, but I know of these dudes. Pat Miletich is a famous fucker for being a monster submission freak artists who trains motherfuckers in the rurals of Iowa in his fighting styles. Carlos Newton is a Canadian mulatto with a sweet voice who seems like he might run a health food store with his beard wife who's name means something in Nubian. Miletich just looks like an angry cop. Newton is really gay looking, and Miletich is a fucking Croatian Drago brutarian, getting elbow blows to the brain when backing off of normal lock-ups.
This is kind of boring. Somebody should do the Macho Man elbowdrop off the cage or something. It kind of sucks that wrestling got so cartoonish and stupid that ultimate fighting could be seen as awesome. They should have a blood-crazed jungle African ultimate fighter with only one name, or somebody sponsored by Mexican drug lords, or something. Fuck this vanilla, "We're going to be in the Olympics in 20 years" bullshit. Round 1 is over, and I should note that Miletich has the corny tribal tattoo advantage, which judging from the last fight, I am going to use as a criteria for not winning. Probably the longer you've been fighting ultimately, the more money you make, the more time you have to adorn your body with stupider but more intricate tribal designs. Carlos Newton doesn't look like he even has a tattoo, but he's pretty cut muscularly, head-to-toe, and like I said, looks pretty gay, which in athletic dudes can be confusing because often times they are just in love with themselves, not guys in general. He has that aura, meaning he's self-gay, and probably wouldn't blemish himself with a tattoo because he would see it in the mirror at night and be sad with himself.
The guard position is really just too much to really enjoy. Maybe I'm afraid of going gay myself or something, but I just am not comfortable with this being what happens for like four minutes in a row, with the end result being the dude on the bottom doesn't give up so the dude on top tries to sit up enough to punch him into submission. It's very caveman gay. I do not mind people being gay, but I would hope we're at a point where we can lovingly be gay with ourselves, not beating each other into sexual submission. Round 2 is over, and apparently this thing could go five rounds. Good lord, I hope not.
Cop guy poked Canadian mulatto in the eyeball, so we had a stoppage of action there briefly. But then while I wasn't looking the Canadian Mulatto grabbed the cop guy's head and chocked him out, and won, and then laid on the ground crying in delirious happies. My tribal tattoo reverse awesomeness decision-making is 2-0 so far. I'm gonna take this shit to Vegas if it keeps up.
Haha, Carlos Newton's nickname is "The Roman". And now he's screaming like a mongoloid baby freaking out on mushrooms he found in the wild as they strap the belt on him.
#98: KENNY FLORIAN vs. JOE LAUZON - I remember the Florian dude from one of the Ultimate Fighter seasons I watched. He was like the guy who seemed cool simply because he was kinda quiet and everybody else was obviously a dumbass, kind of like in The Three Stooges when they say, "Volunteers step forward," and everybody steps backwards except for the stooges. That's how Kenny Florian was tolerable. Joe Lauzon I do not know but he has the most godawful cauliflower ears on a little peapod head I've ever seen. If you don't know, cauliflower ears are what boxers/wrestlers/fighters get when their ears have been busted up in fighting and develop swollen scar tissue kind of, so that instead of a well-defined ear like normal human beings, they just have these tissuey lumps on the side of their heads that looks malformed chunks of bagel dough.
I thought when you measured yourself from fingertip to fingertip holding your arms out sideways, that was supposed to be equal to how tall you were. How do fuckers the same height have reach advantages? I mean, I know there's freakish variations from the norm and all, but that doesn't make sense, at least not according to Mr. Pryzbelewski from season four of The Wire.
Cauliflower kid had the Florian dude on the ground, and then Florian dude just started driving elbows into his the cauliflower dude's shaved skull, and really he's just fucking this dude up. This is more of my style of fight, just brutality and ugly people, no fake sport super-training retard chess bullshit. Florian looks like a roofer and Cauliflower Kid would look like a normal goober redneck kid except for those ears which sort of give away he's into some bizarre nonsense, and make him look even more goober-ish, like his mom is his aunt or some shit. First round ends, and that was actually pretty fucking exciting brutality, which says something about ultimate fighting. Tactical nonsensery is bullshit; just pummel bros, just pummel. They should have three-way fights. Or battle royals.
The Cauliflower Kid is tough because he taking some fucking 'bows to the brain; no wonder he's got them puff ears. And then basically Florian just gets on top of the Cauliflower Kid and keeps beating him in the face until they finally stop it. A combination of one dude beating the fuck out of the other in very bar-friendly manner, and the one dude looking like a goober asshole getting beat up make it the best fight thus far. Did not see noticeable tribal tattoos on either guy, so not sure if my gambling system was broken or not.
#97: RASHAD EVANS vs. SEAN SALMON - Evans is one of the UFC dudes who I do not find annoying as fuck. He seems like a chill ass bro who just beats on people for a living, which if I were given the chance and had the physical attributes, I'd probably do that shit too. I do not know Sean Salmon but he looks like he'd be Joey Buttafucco's younger cousin or something, but kind of retarded in a "my mom used to sniff airplane glue back in the days while she was pregnant" type of way. So I am obviously already rooting for Rashad Evans. It's very nice not knowing who won these matches. Also Evans is from Michigan (Michigan State University) and Salmon is from Ohio State University, so there's a natural collegiate rivalry here. Salmon has worse tattoos so he will probably lose.
Haha, Salmon is like this pudgy dude and he just did a jumping double kick thing at the beginning, looking like a community college performance of Karate Kid. Shit was funny. Evans is a fast motherfucker. And we're like two minutes into the first round and the Salmon dude is already breathing heavy. The announcers are talking up the MSU/OSU rivalry as they both wrestled in college. Man, I bet the Big Ten wrestling championships is some crazy shit to go see live. I may look into that, all those midwestern motherfuckers who still live and breath amateur wrestling, which has only gotten more popular I'm sure as guys know they can parlay that into ultimate fighting.
One of the sponsors with their logo on the ring apron is Mickey's Malt Liquor, I notice as the first round ends. That sounds about right. I imagine both are very popular with the skinheads that used to kick my ass in Richmond until I lived in the same building as one of them and we drank Mickey's together on the stoop enough times that the one crazy guy stopped fucking with me, at least within a couple of blocks of my house. That crazy skinhead fucker went to jail for emptying a 9mm in a party, and I doubt from my interactions - both friendly and afeared of - with that dude that jail really did anything but accentuate his hatefulness.
Oh shit! Salmon got knocked the fuck out with a kick upside the face. I mean like out. It's a minute later and the dude is still laid sideways with his eyes closed and feet curled. That's the type of shit that'll get it shut down, the head crash to the canvas after the knockout, two punches before the baldheaded ref can stop the fight, that's some dangerous shit for the brain. Pudgy Salmon wasn't even able to do the gay honor hug thing during the announcement of the winner.
#96: ROYCE GRACIE vs. MATT HUGHES - Oh shit, Gracie is like the creator of this ultimate fighting style brought to America, and dominated the early UFCs, which were always my favorite, when they had the one-night tournament. Matt Hughes is a crazy assed little Napoleonic wrestling insaniac who is really hard not to love, even if he does talk shit, because he's like your little volunteer firefighter friend who talks shit about everything, but you don't care because you know he's a chill dude when it's crunch time, and he'd lift a car off a baby if he had to. The pre-fight clips are hyping up Gracie as the history of the sport and Hughes being like, "Yo, this is the new history." I am sure this is a famous match, and I may even know from somewhere that Hughes won, but Royce Gracie is Royce Gracie. His family created this shit. That big goofy goomba white dude who yells "LET'S GET IT ON!" is your referee. So yes, let's get it on.
It is always weird to see Royce Gracie not wearing a karate gi, but they outlawed that shit years ago. When gis are outlawed, then only outlaws wear a gi. They are on the ground, the Gracie homeland, but Hughes is not afraid, and has the camouflage on part of his fighting trunks to prove it.
Matt Hughes has Gracie's arm bent backwards, and yet Royce is just laying there chilling, like he's thinking about what to do next. The dude is like, "whatever," with his arm bent backwards at the elbow, and no give up. I always wish a sports dude could be like that, where he hits a home run every time or some weird amazing shit that just can't be stopped, and everybody is "what the fuck?" but nobody can explain it, and then one day the dude just disappears to retirement in southeast Asia or something. Hughes got on his back and just started punching Gracie in the head, and goomba ref stopped it. Gracie's old ass dad is sitting ringside, and I'm sure this was all some sort of stage event to eliminate the Gracie influence from the Zuffa corporation's ownership of UFC. It's all some sketchy ass WWE/Illuminati/Godfather shit.
Hey look, there's Dana White's penishead looking self in the ring gladhanding it up with Matt Hughes, probably because he knows he no longer owes the Gracies tithes anymore. Fucking fixed ass shit. Kind of fitting I do it five match blocks because this is a good spot to stop. None of these dudes have cracked my top 5 all-time most awesome MMAers list yet, which I'll share with you at the end of each five-match review. #1: Oleg Taktarov - insane Russian guy who I think is actually KGB and running drugs in Africa now; #2: Tank Abbott - for obvious reason; #3: Cabbage Correira - because his head defies neuroscience; #4: I don't know, I can't really think of five right now, like I can think of a bunch of other dudes but nobody I really want to put my name behind as endorsing. Let's just let it ride and I'll think about it until I watch some more of this.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME FANS OF READING DUMB SHIT ABOUT FIGHTS YOU'RE NOT EVEN WATCHING!